A year ago in Italy

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Days 18-20 have come and gone also. Nothing new. Ordered some more medication. And a safe sharps disposal box for needles. Other than that, not much to report.
Per the request of several friends, I decided to post my pics from my trip to Italy last summer with Amy. Most of you will recall that I spent 2 weeks in Ukraine teaching English and then Amy and I spent about 6 days in Italy on our return trip. As I look back, I realize how lucky I was, not only to go on such a trip, but to go with my best friend. I know that some girls get to do trips with their girlfriends after being married, but most never get to do one like this. It was such a fantastic trip and the person I would most want to adventure with (besides my Joey), is of course, my BFF, Amy. So...without futher ado...here are some highlights from our tour of Italy.




This is Amy in Sorrento eating some gelato moments after we arrived. Look at all those Hydrangeas! Aren't they incredible?


This is where we ate breakfast at our hotel. It was right on the coast and BREATHTAKING! I can't imagine a more beautiful place!

Taking pics of the cliffs. SIGH....

A picturesque square down the street.

More of the beautiful square

Taking a walk down to the ocean.

All around Sorrento and Pompeii there were stands making fresh lemonade, orange juice, slushes, etc. Look how big the lemons are! As big as my head!

Inside Pompeii ruins

Pompeii and Mt. Vesuvius. They say the mountain is less than half the size it was before the eruption that obliterated the city.

Me and Amy in Pompeii

a preserved body in Pompeii...one of 6 in the world

A lone picture in Florence. It was a whirlwind day of shopping and arting, but wonderful none the less!

Throw a coin in Trevi Fountain and insure your trip to the eternal city!

The Pantheon

Yummy! Carbonara at my favorite place in Rome! Becky, you remember this place down by the Vatican?

The Pieta...one of the greatest sculptures ever created

The Mouth of Truth from ROMAN HOLIDAY fame!

The ruins in Rome

Picnic at the Colesium

Recreating my pic with Becky from 2004!

Colesium at dusk

Outside the Vatican. (where, incidentally, we joined the wrong tour group (still not sure how that happened), got yelled at and nearly thrown out of the museum! But all ended well with a day of art. Silly Romans...

In Saint Peter's Square

Goodbye Rome!

Days Fifteen-Seventeen

Well, there isn't much to report day to day right now. My folks were here for the weekend, so I got to relay all my good feelings about where we are now to them in person, which they were VERY happy to hear about. I'm nearing the end of my perscription of birth control pills, so I had to refill today. Couldn't get through to my pharmacy. I called them 18 times before I got a person instead of a recording. CRAZY, huh?
This weekend we went to a wedding for a family friend. One of my best friends growing up, Leslie Chadwick Mayo, was sister of the groom and I was excited to see Leslie and her little girls in real life instead of on my monitor for the first time in a couple of years. She, of course, was beautiful as always and her oldest, Katlynn, reminds me so much of 5 year old Leslie. It's funny how that happens. :)
Besides the fact that we were at a beautiful wedding at these gorgeous fountains in Dallas, AND the fact that I was able to visit with lots of family friends from Lubbock, there was one undeniable highlight. And that was my sweetie, Joe. Now, many of you know that Joe and I met at ACU. What you may not know is that he was a well known fella in a little club called Gamma Sigma Phi. When Neil (the groom) found out I was marrying Joe a couple of years ago he said, and I quote, "THE Joe Varney?" When Mom told Neil he should invite us to the wedding he said, again I quote, "How cool would my friends think THAT was? If Joe Varney was at MY wedding?" Now apparently, Joe became somewhat of a living legend in the years after graduating. A intramural team was named "Team Joe Varney" and the pledges of later years were aware of the Varney name because of it. Well, at the wedding Joe finally was introduced to Neil, who stood up, shook Joe's hand and said, "Joe Varney...the man. the myth. the legend. Can't believe I'm finally meeting you in person!" It was hilarious! All these GSP guys were there and wanted to shake Joe's hand. One walked up to us and said, "Just wanted to pay my respects to a great GSP alum. Your composite picture was up in my house my junior and senior year." No idea who that guy was. So for one night, my hubbie was a minor celebrity and couldn't wipe that grin off his face. It was great!

Day Fourteen

2 weeks down and about 10 days to go to official start date. Whew....it's been a long wait! But in other news...
THIS IS MY 100th POST!
I can't belive I have been blogging for so long! Amy and I realized the other day that I never blogged about Itlay last summer and it being a full year ago now, I should do that! I will start looking through my travel journal and my pictures and do that in the next few days!
Thanks for reading!

Day Thirteen

Okay. So now there is a gameplan. I will be on day 26 before I actually start my injections. Crazy, right? I thought it would be more like day 5 or 7. The doctor's office called me today and set my Phase II appointment for July 23rd (2 weeks from yesterday). I asked about when they would be doing the extraction EXACTLY and she said we won't know for a while. They have to wait until they see how my body reacts to my medication. If I react well (like my doctor expects me to), they will take my eggs earlier in the week (like the 11th to 12th). If my eggs aren't moving like they should, it'll be later in the week (like the 16th or 17th). I'm concerned, of course because of what that'll mean for my school schedule. I asked her, "With bedrest after getting implanted, I'm gonna be missing some work, since I am due to go back for inservice on the 18th." She told me that I don't have to be on bedrest at all! What!?!?!? She said there is no basis for bedrest scientifically. Hmmmm. I'm still going to rest for a couple days though. Per Doctor Joe and Doctor Mom's orders. So...all that to say, if they take my eggs early in the week, they will implant me 3-5 days later and it is reasonable to believe I will be at school on the first day of classes! Hooray! I may still have to miss part or all of inservice, but that's no big deal to me. So...now we wait a couple more weeks and get this show on the road!!
*****
Just got a phone call from the doc's office again. I am no longer with Dr. Kevin. I am now with Dr. Nackley, who is a female doctor. Hmmm. The nurse said Dr. Kevin will be out of town for about 3 weeks and it is all during August. So they have moved me to Dr. Nackley so we can go forward. She wanted to make sure that was okay with me before we start. I asked some questions and she assured me the Dr. Nackley is an excellent doctor and she would have no quams if it was her. So we are switching docs! Crazy times, eh?
OH! And in case you are interested....WHEN this works and I get pregnant, I will be due sometime between May 9th and May 15th 2009. Perfect!!!

Day Twelve...the sequel

So here's the deal...
I talked to the IVF coordinator and she broke the news to me. My egg retrieval date will be between AUG 11-17th. Yeah...a month away!!! That means I don't even start my injections until next week or the following week even! This means several discouraging things for us....
#1. No Orlando for Labor Day. We won't be done yet.
#2. No inservice week for Rachel. I will either be on bedrest or being implanted AND on bedrest during that week. Not good, since that is training week.
#3. Maybe no first 2-3 days of school for Rachel. Sounds good in theory...More summer, right? No. It means days I've saved for maternity leave will be used for things I should have been able to do this summer, and I'll miss meeting my babies at school and have to leave it to someone else.
#4. I'm going to have to set up my room way before school starts since I won't be allowed to lift or move big stuff after/during extraction and implanting.
So...while it's not tragic info, it's not what we wanted. I've cried 3 times today as I have once again had any control I felt I had snatched away. I feel like God is really trying to make a point to me...YOU DON'T CALL THE SHOTS. I DO. It's a little hard to handle. And it makes me sad that my whole summer I couldn't do anything but wait, and then wait some more, and then be stuck here for doc stuff...finally. I feel like I've lost my summer completely. As Amy said, "It better work now!!" It will.
And hey, for my sanity, please don't tell me this all in God's timing. I know it is, but it doesn't make this easier to swallow right now. Just acknowledge it sucks right now to be in my shoes, but that it'll be worth it when I have a baby.

Day Twelve

Well...
we are still waiting. I hate that I when I call either doctor's office I get moved to a voicemail to speak to the person I need. I hate that no one has returned a call to me yet even tho I started calling at 8am. I hate that this is a major priority for no one but me. And I hate that there is nothing I can do to change it. Joe has been sweet and called both places as well. He found out that the paperwork WAS sent yesterday from Dr. Graves to Dr. Doody. Then he spoke to someone who can't do anything, but did know that the info was recieved at Dr. Doody's office. Now it has to go back and forth 2 more times. At this rate it'll be August before we get started! AAAARRGGHH!!! It's so frustrating! I think I'm the most angry about the fact we have paid in full to both offices and they are not moving on this. Even tho I know it's not reality, I feel like it's "we have your money...so we can do what we want." BLECK!!! I'm also thinking we need to cancel our trip to Disney World in September because of possible doctor visits, and the fact that I don't think I'm supposed to fly in my first trimester. Joe won't concede until a doctor tells us that, but I just feel like every plan we had for this has fallen apart. And it's a real possibility that this is going to still be going on into the school year. I DON"T WANT THAT!!!! It's like I wasted my whole summer just sitting around waiting. And by the way...daytime TV is beating me down. Too many commercials about getting pregnant, being pregnant or having babies. It's hard to watch.
I promise I'm not as forlorn as I sound. Just need to vent somewhere. :)

Day eleven part II

Small update:
Just heard back from the IVF coordinator. The hold up is that they still haven't gotten the referral from Dr. Graves!!! What?!?!?! He assured us they would send it LAST WEDNESDAY! They have an extremely busy office, but still...this is ridiculous! I'm ready to get movin! So looks like it'll be another week before we can start. Bummer....

day Eleven

So...still waiting. I'm starting to wonder if they have forgotten about us. I emailed the IVF coordinator (you remember her right, the no name girl?). I emailed yesterday to touch base and check if we were on the radar yet. No reply. Still. I'm going to call up there tomorrow....under the pretense of filling my prenatal vitamin perscription, but really so I can find out what the hold up is.

I'm feeling very positive today still, despite all the waiting. I have found it so much easier to talk about when people ask me questions since last week's doctor visit. I've really appreciated those of you who email me and tell me you are praying for us. I've fooled myself into believing that no one is thinking about this but me. Probably because I have nothing to preoccupy myself with right now, but baby thinking. But I know that when someone faces something terrible in their life, it's so easy to forget that they are suffering because we are obviously more involved in our own day to day pains and happinesses. So for those of you who DO remember me, especially those of you who don't see me on a regular basis, but still remember to pray for me, worry with me, and wish a baby into my belly, I thank you so much.

On a lighter note, my best friend from high school, Carrie (or sister Mary Carolyn as she's known to us ;) sent me some pics of her kids that I HAVE to share. I saw them a few weeks ago when I went to Lubbock and these were taken then. They remind me that all things are possible. Carrie suffered with infertility as well, was given a 45% chance of ever concieving and she just had # 3. Here are my cuties....

Day Ten

We are still waiting to hear back from my doctor. It's starting to get tedious! Pray that we will hear something back today so we can get moving! I am anxious to get this ball rolling! In other news...God is faithful to one of my fellow infertiles. My friend Heather from my support group finished her in vitro cycle last week and found out yesterday that she IS PREGNANT!!! Yay! I am so happy for her and pray that she has a successful and easy pregnancy with a healthy baby. Praise God!

day eight and nine

Didn't have a lot of time to blog about the past 2 days. Saturday we had a last minute change in plans and ended up just me and Joe with nothing to do for a whole day! That NEVER happens anymore! We slept on the sofa bed on Friday night and stayed there, watching movies until 2pm Saturday. **Did you remember that in FREQUENCY (starring Dennis Quaid and Jim Caviezal) the mom is Juliet from LOST? Or that young Gordy is none other than Michael Cera? Crazy, right????***At 2 we got up and got showered and dressed and headed out for a big date. We went to see WALL-E and out to dinner. ***WALL-E...such a social commentary on the direction of mankind and Earth in general. While it was cute and, of course, impresses me to no end how they can make a thing with no personality in real life seem lovable, the most interesting thing about this movie was when you consider what has happened to the world AND to it's people because of technology and an abuse of it. Pretty thought provoking.
I digress...yesterday we spent in Granbury with the Tindells and their family. We worshipped outside in a city park, swam at the "feach," walked thru the street market, and ate some great bbq and potatoes. Great day! We topped it off by seeing WANTED. Weird show. Really weird. Don't bother.
On the IVF front...still waiting to hear back on when we can start everything. Nada so far. I'm still happily just taking my pills and day dreaming about my big baby belly to come. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well!

Day Seven

Well, still no word on when we will get to see MY doctor and start the actual 5 week process, and with only 6 weeks left til I go back to work...well...let's just say our plan hasn't worked out like we thought. But as I'm constantly reminded, God's timing is perfect and we will bow to his leading.
I told Joe last night I haven't felt this at peace and this happy in months. I am really looking forward to the result of our months of agony and am anticipating decorating a nursery and preparing for a baby soon. Maybe more than one!
Thanks for your constant prayers and Happy 4th!

Day Six

Nothing new to report. Still taking birth control pills. Still feeling good after yesterday.
Happies...
1. Finding pictures from college in the junk drawer.
2. Painting on a canvas I made myself
3. Making homemade rolls.
4. Hearing from an old friend
5. Anticipating DESIGN STAR on HGTV this weekend!!!

Day Five

Today was a L...O...N...G one. Joe and I went to meet a different doctor, Dr. Graves, at 11am. He is the doc who will be doing Joe's sperm extraction and we have to have the go ahead and a date scheduled for Joe's procedure before we can go forward with my doctor. So we got there at 10:30, expecting a quick look at the chart from his tests and a "Okay, let's do this." Nope. After 2 hours in the waiting room, we finally got into a room. Then we waited for about 20 minutes. Then we met a very jovial man named Joe who took Joe's info and filled out some papers with us. Then we met Dr. Nathan Graves. Now, we thought it was odd that there was a place for us to put our church preferance on our paperwork. (it is STILL odd, I guess.) He noticed we were Church of Christ and told us he is too. (cool, right??) We chatted with him about our situation and he really made me feel good about things. He told us "You have sperm. You gotta be optimistic about that. Lots of guys come in here with none." He also told us that Dr. Kevin Doody (the doctor we've been seeing who will be doing our in vitro stuff) is world reknown and is known to be the top in this field in the US. He said people from other countries come to have him do in vitro for them. He also said that he (Dr. Graves) has 2 children from in vitro, both done by Dr. Kevin. Later on we found out that Dr. Graves is also the urologist who donated the free invitro in conjunction with the center we are going to. Isn't it nice to have stumbled (with God's nudging) into 2 christian doctors to guide us through this? Joe had an ultrasound done to make sure there were no blockages or cancer for us to be concerned with first. We got the green light! After more chatting about the will of God and how he works in mysterious ways, Dr. Graves assured us that he's not going anywhere and he'll get us on the calendar asap. AND that "you've got sperm, and I'm gonna find it." Hooray!!! After that we met with another very godly person who will be our point person at Dr. Graves' office through this. Her name is Kay and she assured us that we will make it through this fine, with God's hand on every step. Then the floor was temporarily yanked out as we had to shell out another couple of thousand dollars for this section of the journey. Hopefully, we are all done writing 3 and 4 zero checks now. So....all in all...good day.
Happies:
1. Christian Doctors
2. Having Joe with me for a whole weekday!
3. Chicken fried steak at 3:00 (we were at the doc's office for almost 5 hours. We missed lunch...)
4. Mid-day movies (Hancock...not what I expected. Not great, but not terrible.)
5. A sunny outlook after having an Eeyore cloud over me.

Day Four

So, today is a little better than yesterday. I had a hard night last night, but today things are in a little better perspective. I talked to the IVF coordinator finally (she called me today after being out of pocket since I started my meds 4 days ago!!!). She answered lots of questions and I'm feeling better about where we are. I have had a constant stream of people reminding me that God's timing is perfect and he is doing this for a reason. The timing WILL work out better due date wise...making me due in early May, and thus able to take the whole end of school off and not go back til the following school year. Even if the baby/babies were to come a little early.
Today was really great. Amy and I went to lunch with our friend Heather. Heather is a fellow teacher we met in our support group. Strangely enough, she taught at the same school I teach at! The school has been open 9 years. She taught there the first 2, I have taught there the past 7. We just missed eachother! Heather is on the tailend of In Vitro. She was implanted last Thursday and will know Monday if she is pregnant. How exciting! I have to admit, I'm jealous. I wish I was that far along already! After lunch, we took Heather to see BABY MAMA at the dollar theater. That movie is so funny! And what is better than 3 infertile gals going to see a movie about infertility?!?! It was great to laugh at our own sorrows together.
Now...following Mom and Amy's direction, and Joe's wish for me to be more positive...I will write 5 things to be happy about today. I bought a necklace with a poem on it that says to count the positives. I wear it every day and I am going to start following it's advice.

"Count your blessings instead of your crosses.

Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes.

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears.

Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your health instead of your wealth

And love your neighbor as yourself."

1. Fish and Chips with malt vinegar. If you've ever been to England and had this in the newspaper from a chippy...man, you know what I'm talking about. Lucky for me, RJ Gator's makes it about as good as you can find in the states.
2. Tina Fey makes me laugh when I look at her. She is the funniest woman in entertainment right now. I LOVE HER. Period.
3. Stencils are fun! I have bought a bunch of letter stencils and am busy making some of my own tonight. I have this new painting idea and I am prepping to try it out. If I ever get to the paint step, I'll take a pic for you!
4. Blogging. My husband may not understand why, but he does acknowledge that blogging does something good for me. When I started crying last night, he told me to get up and go blog it. He knew it would make me feel better to let it out here. Speaking of which, my Joey was great last night. He understands my heartache and will stay up and hold me, take me for french fries and frosties at 1am and fall asleep with me on the floor so I can watch TV and calm down. What a great husband I have.
5. Inspirational thoughts. Yesterday I quoted a Casting Crowns song called "Praise You in This Storm." One part I left out really comforts me today..."every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side. And tho my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." How great to know that God is standing here catching every tear that falls. That he knows every single tear. Awesome.

Day Three Part II: It's still raining

Its 11:45 and I am crying. Again. I cried for the first time today as Joe and I prayed together at bedtime. I want so badly to believe, but I'm finding it too hard right now. It's hard to expect a miracle when you see the cards stacked against you. It's like even the little stupid things that should be easy are going awry. As if being infertile wasn't hard enough.
"I'd've thought by now, Lord, you would have reached down and dried our tears away. Reached in and saved the day. But once again I say AMEN and it's still raining..." It's pouring. And I can't find my umbrella. But as I told Jeremy several weeks ago...from words painted on a board in Canton, Tx...SOMETIMES TO WEATHER THE STORM, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
I'll try my best, Lord. If you can't quiet this storm, at least draw me in and quiet my fears.

Day Three

"Anything that can go wrong...will."
Who knew that statement was talking about Rachel's ability to have a baby? We were in the waiting game for starting injections/having our "phase II appointment" to officially kick off our cycle. Between my calling back and forth between the bank and the doctor's office this AM to approve my mammoth payment, I got an email from the IVF coordinator (who apparently has no name...she's always referred to as "IVF COORDINATOR" both when spoken and written to me.)Her email said that they are waiting on info from Dr. Graves. Who??? Yeah, we were supposed to go see THEIR urologist to confirm that Joe will have TESE performed for the ICSI. They neglected to tell us that when were were twiddling our thumbs these last 2 months. (I'm a little ticked, can you tell?) So I called Joe, Dr. Graves, my doc, Joe again, Dr. Graves again, my doc again. We are going to see Dr. Graves on Wednesday morning. BUT....the IVF coordinator says it'll be next week before they get word back from him to my docs office, THEN they will schedule my phase II appointment to do a sonogram and start my Lupron shots. (so pray hard that we can do that by Wednesday of next week.) I asked about the timeline and she said it won't be until July30-Aug2 that they will do my retrieval! I thought that was the week we would find out if it worked and take my preg. tests! So basically, not only are we delaying starting, but the process is a week longer than we thought. I'm so frustrated and upset and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm afraid of what happens if it doesn't work. I thought I would have a week or two to get over it before I go back to work. Now I will be at work when we find out if I'm pregnant. It sucks. It really sucks.

Day Two

I am taking birth control pills. Again. And when I'm actually TRYING to have a baby. Wierd, huh? I have to regulate some of my hormones and such, so I am back on "the pill" for a few days here before I start my injections.
I am being pessimistic and worrying about the outcome of all of this, but Joe keeps reminding me I can choose to dwell on those what if negatives, or I can choose to follow the positives. He said he wants to hear me talking about when we are parents more often than talking about failure. Something to shoot for, right?
Today we went to the doctor's office after church to turn in all our paper work and money. It was the most money EVER to be put on my card...just over $11,000. And that's just the prepay amount. There will be more. And, we paid over $2000 for medication for me. You folks who are able to get pregnant the normal way, you are saving SO MUCH MONEY! Count that a blessing!!
Anyways...my bank wouldn't allow the transaction, probably since I NEVER put anything more than $100 or so on my card. So I have to get it approved by them tomorrow before the transaction can go through. All this to say...we are tied into this whole heartedly now. Pray for each day to go smoothly and each step to go better than expected from us and the doctors. It's gonna be a long 5 weeks...

Day One

Day One
I was instructed to call my doctor when my cycle began so we can make our "Phase 2 Appointment" and basically give them the heads up that it's time to start. That appointment is when I will get my IVF schedule and be taught how to do my injections. So I called this morning and am waiting to hear back from them now. I'm scared, I'm sad that I can't be pregnant on my own, and I'm nervous about where we are headed.
Babies are on my brain the past few days. I have just found out another friend is trying, a girl in my support group had her implanting done on Thursday in HER IVF cycle, a girl I cried with in a bathroom in Albuquerque is now pregnant, and last night I attended the visitation of little Nathan. It was amazing to finally talk to Taylor in person and for us to know eachother immediately. I couldn't let go of her when I hugged her. It broke my heart. Little Nathan's blanket and onsie laying next to the few pictures they have of him. The memory book Taylor began after he died Tuesday. The little casket. It's so tragic and it's like all the pain of having children or NOT having children has been piled on this poor family. The pain of infertility to the joy of pregnancy finally, only to have their hopes dashed again. The full weight is hitting them now as they bury their baby today.
All that being said...pray for those of us suffering through these childbearing struggles. It is a difficulty that cannot be explained. And pray for Taylor and Josh. That God holds them tightly in his hands during this time and that somehow, and some point they find the strength to start the process all over again, so they can have the family they dreamed of.

Taylor

A few weeks ago I blogged about my friend taylor who was pregnant with a trisomy 13 baby. Yesterday she gave birth to little Nathan and gave him up to God a few short seconds later. Pray for her and her husband Josh as they reach the end of this long, hard pregnancy, preparing to lose the baby they have suffered so hard to conceive. If you want to read her words, I highly recommend you do. She's an amazing girl.
tstapes.blogspot.com

Short post...

I am about to venture into daily postings, so for those of you who read this EVER, get ready...I plan to journal every day of In Vitro right here in Blog Land....

In the meantime, there are a few updates for you. First of all, this weekend was wonderful. After my emotional start to the week, I needed a pick me up. I spent the night Thursday at my friend Amy's and we went shopping, ate chocolate and stayed up late giggling at Arrested Development and Americas Best Dance Crew (which if you are not watching...you MUST...MTV 9pm on Thursdays!!!) Then Friday she and I went to the "FEACH" aka the fake beach in Granbury. It was FANTASTIC! I can't wait to go back this week!! Friday night my friend Jeremy from ACU came in for the weekend to interview for a job. It was so great to spend some time laughing with my friend. For some reason, he and Jamie and Brent really understand me and make me laugh at myself.

Now the new news...

Got my hair cut and COLORED! First time ever...a girl I grew up with did it and I let her have free reign. It's very rocker chick...so super fun for the summer!

Secondly, you remember all that flagstone we bought? Joe and some buddies dug the holes for the path and the patio on Saturday. We plan to finish everything out this week/weekend. Here's where we are right now...

I'm Scared

It's 12:30 am and I have been crying for the past 45 minutes. Well, off an on for the past 24 hours really. Mostly trying to keep myself busy and occupied while Joe is at work, but as the day to start InVitro nears, I am getting more and more afraid. No. Afraid isn't a stong enough word. Terrified. I'm not scared about taking the meds or giving myself shots. I'm not nervous about being poked and prodded, harvested and implanted. I'm worried about that dreaded day 6 weeks from now. The yes or no day. If it's yes...HOORAY and praise God! But what if it's NO? What if I'm that one person you know who just can't get pregnant. EVER. I'm so afraid that that is my future. Not the sunny, happy family I always thought I'd have. Just years ahead of debt and more debt and more debt. Years of waiting for children who won't come. Years of waiting to ever have money to do anything else we had planned for our lives. Joe is trying to destress me. He's trying to remind me I need to not worry about the future, we're not trapped, our whole life isn't riding on this one moment in time. But that's easier said than done. I feel like this is one of those life defining moments and I'm terrified of what the definition will be. I wish I could let it roll off my back and follow that "if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'LL make it okay" montra. But right now, I'm just not strong enough for that. I'm afraid. And I can't go anywhere but forward, knowing this is the right thing to do, but not that the right outcome will be there in the end.

we're losers...

We didn't win the invitro from the southlake church. :( Oh well. God is providing for us. We are thinking about what we want for our future family/life right now. It may include more schooling, it may include more debt, it may include a move. Who knows? We've got some thinkin' to do!
We have spent the past few days in Lubbock with my family and it has been SO fun! I will post pics and stuff from our trip too. I know many of you were waiting to hear if we were getting our free treatment, so wanted to pass along the news.

Things to be happy about...

Of course I must start with the obvious...SCHOOL ENDS TOMORROW!!!I know, I know. "You're life is so hard....must be rough having summers off." Yeah, you spend 7 hours a day with 5-7 year olds and you will need a 10 week break too! So excited to have the time off!

Now...a few things to be excited over ala Rachel Varney...

1. Sweet Melanie is having a boy!!! Meaning when I get pregnant with a girl (oh, it's gonna happen, folks...), I will be the first girl in the gang. All your boys will want to marry my gorgeous mixed race daughter. ;)

2. We bought a bunch of flagstone at a very VERY low cost so we can add a patio and walkway in our backyard. Lots of work, but such a low cost, who cares!

3. I went to Walmart for a few essentials and mosied through the clothes. (sometimes there are rare gems in there.) Today was one of those jackpot days. They had 2 dresses on clearance (both the last of their kind. both in MY new, smaller size!) and both only $3!!!! How cute are these???

4. And lastly, I have a strange prayer request. There is a church in Southlake that is giving away a free in vitro cycle (all fees paid) in honor of Father's Day. It has been all over the news and papers and they are only taking applications for one week. Joe and I have applied and are praying we are the lucky winners. The church will choose 10 couples based on the applications and then on Father's Day will draw a name at random from a hat. Strange thing is...it is in conjunction with the Fertility Clinic we are going to AND we put off starting until the end of this month when we should have been starting in April. Could God be setting this up for us? Maybe. If you are interested, our application "journey story" is below.

Our Journey
Joe and I met in the fall of 1997 in freshman Bible at ACU. Through 4 years of friendship in college, followed by 3 more in the adult world, we became best friends and trusted confidants for each other. Little did we know that God had a bigger plan for us… to be husband and wife! After a few short months of dating, we were engaged and ready to start our lives together. Joe and I knew when we married we wanted children and were nervous that we would have twins. Joe has a twin brother, and I also have a twin brother. While Joe is one “naturally,” I am a fertility baby. My brother and I were conceived on fertility medication as my parents both had complications with having children. After a year of marriage, I was ready to start our family, so for Valentines Day, Joe gave me a great gift- permission to go off birth control! But after almost a year and no pregnancy, I began to worry that there was something wrong with me. So in January, we began testing. We were shocked and devastated to find out that it was not me, but Joe and that not only could they not find the cause, they could not do anything to better our odds. As we continued to go to appointments and do more and more tests, the news got worse and worse. I found myself angry with God and unable to cope with my sadness and grief. One Sunday in January, our new preacher spoke about his own struggle through multiple miscarriages. I fell apart, as did my husband. I had several weeks of public breakdowns emotionally. Baby dedications, Mother’s Day and baby showers suddenly became torture. Then a dear friend of mine, married only a couple of weeks, became pregnant while on birth control. It was almost too much to bear. It seems like everyone we know is having babies and we are being left behind. Luckily, God has blessed me in many ways over the months. My best friend is also going through infertility and she has been an incredible comfort to me, as well as joining a local support group of women facing this struggle. God continues to shower us with people to support us and has helped us find money along the way as we go through so many doctor visits. So now we sit on the edge of major debt (I am a teacher and my husband is in management at a financial company in Dallas), still wondering if God will bless us in this way or not. My spiritual journey has intensified over the weeks and I feel like our marriage is stronger because of what we have been through so far. Joe and I are a bi-racial couple so we have often joked about adopting kids of other nationalities so none of us look like we belong together. In reality now, we face possibly not being biological parents, but adoptive instead. While that is not what we want, and not what we had planned, God may have a little one waiting to be loved by us that we haven’t met yet. We will accept whatever the Lord’s answer is, but we are so anxious to find out if it’s yes or no. If it’s pregnancy or adoption. We’re ready to be on the other side of the struggle, saying God DID bless us, and it was worth the wait.

Another Blessed Weekend...sort of...

This past weekend I got to spend time with my best pals...Jeremy, Jamie and Brent. We flew Brent in from Charlotte since Saturday was going to be a rough one for him. Jeremy and I have both had our own share of struggles lately as well, so we comiserated, laughed, and enjoyed the wonderful friendships God has blessed us with in eachother.

We travelled to Seguin to see Jeremy's directorial production of CINDERELLA. Even tho I missed over half of it (dumb Austin traffic), it was still ADORABLE!

We ate BBQ in one of Texas Monthly's top ranked joints, saw Indiana Jones (yipes!) and sang at the top of our lungs to random songs from each ipod in the car. GREAT fun!

Oh! And check out the Super Awesome gift Jamie and Brent made for "Mr. Hailey" from all of us. With 4th grade craftsmanship like this, how could he NOT be honored?!?!?
It says: JEREMY Always Remember To dream dance sing play imagine

Now, real low point of the weekend....Friday night my throat starts to feel swollen. Take some ibuprofen. Feel better. Can't breathe real well and don't sleep much tho. Saturday we go in and get me some allergy medicine and throat lozanges. I progress thru the day having more and more difficulty swallowing and feeling like my throat is closing up. Sunday I can't stand it any more. I tell the gang "I want to go home" as I fight tears welling up. I'm pretty certain it's Strep Throat. (remember our first encounter with that, Mel?) I leave immediately (and tearfully as I am not yet ready to say goodbye to my friends AND can't even hug them since I assume I'm contagious.) I drive 4 hours home and straight to the doctor. Yep. Strep. I get 2 perscriptions and go straight to bed. OH! But we are having a bon voyage party for my friend Tanya who is leaving for Japan on Monday at my house that night! WHAT??? Joe, bless his heart, did everything. He cleaned, he cooked, he hosted. I said hello, sat pathetically a little away from our friends and went to sleep while everyone was still here. Oh...and I cried 2 more times. Once at the pharmacy and once when I told our friends I have Strep. I must have been really sick to cry so much. But now I'm on the mend and back to work. 8 more school days!!!

One more thing. In my support group we read something that applies as much to me as it does to Brent or Jeremy or any of us facing difficult things in life. I wanted to share it with you all too. It's a quote about the sovereignty of God.
"His plan includes all promotions and demotions. His plan can mean both adversity and prosperity, tragedy and calamity, ecstasy and joy. It envelops illness as much as health, perilous time as much as comfort, safety, prosperity and ease. His plan is at work when we cannot imagine why, because it is so clear and pleasant. His sovereignty, though it is inscrutable, has dominion over all handicaps, all heartaches, all helpless moments. It is at work through all disappointments, broken dreams, and lingering difficulties. And even when we cannot fully fathom why, He knows. Even when we cannot explain the reasons, He understands. And when we cannot see the end, He is there, nodding, "Yes, that is My plan."

Because HE Lives

This song touched my heart this morning. I have had a good 3 week stint with no downward dips in my emotions. Yesterday was a little tough, but I powered through! This morning we got to the verse about newborn babies and I realized how true the words I sang were.


God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,Just because He lives!

Mother's Day...THE PREQUEL

So...my sweet boy and our best friends did something incredible this weekend...we hid. It being Mother's Day and all, Amy and I didn't want to deal with the inevitable emotions we would face. So we packed up Friday and headed to Dodd City, Tx. population 419 (or 423 this weekend). Our friend Reagan (same one who got us in the Macy's Parade in November) has a log cabin in the woods that he offered to us. It was the most fun I have had in SO LONG!!! I expected a fun weekend, but this was just plain AWESOME!

There is way more to say that I can write here, so let me run through it in list form (ala Happy List):

Happies from the weekend:

1. Eating a fried food feast in Windom, Tx at the Feed Sack

2. 4-wheelers in an open meadow of wildflowers

3. Floating in a boat on a secluded pond

4. Campfires in the dead of night

5. climbing the side of a house

6. breakfast outside in the cool of the morning

7. kissing in the barn while the rain pours down

8. chocolate cobbler!!!

9. dragging a boat on an old mattress

10. buying a cowboy hat

11. watching arrested development all piled up on one huge bed

12. cows that follow you

13. and most importantly...KNOWING GOD WILL MAKE NEXT MOTHER'S DAY EVEN BETTER...no matter what that means for the 4 of us

Here are some pics from the trip. Enjoy!

Taylor

Many of you know that when I first moved here I attended church with Melanie at North Richland Hills Church of Christ. Yes, it WAS big. Yes, I DID feel lost in the crowd. But it was also a place that let me explore being a leader and find where to belong within a congregation. I left there 3 ½ years ago to be with my sweetheart at Woodland West. I didn’t know that I would end up at RHCC again many years later.

RHCC is a great place if you are in need of help. And right now, I am! My good friend Amy and I joined a support group last week at RHCC. It is called the Hannah Group and it is for girls suffering with infertility or miscarriage. If you know anyone in that category, get them out here to Hannah Group! We have only been once, but it has already been a huge blessing to both of us.

I have a “friend” (I’ve never actually met her) named Taylor. She has been through infertility and now has a baby on the way. Unfortunately, little Nathan has a rare affliction called Trisomy 13. He will never see his house because IF he is born, he will only live a precious few minutes. Taylor is one of those amazing people who seem to have faith despite all odds. Her story, emails, blogs and friendship daily brings me encouragement and hope.

Last night she had a post that absolutely changed me. She was talking about Narnia and how Lucy explains to Mr. Tumnus that Aslan is not a tame lion. And she goes on to explain how God is not tame, but is always good and faithful. But here is what really stuck with me…she said she feels like she is walking in the rain. No sunshine. No happiness. In fact, she can’t remember the last time she felt happy. (been there!) But she says when she stops to think that Jesus actually DIED for her…she can’t feel sorry for herself. In her words, “Christ didn’t go to the cross with a smile on his face either. But the SON did rise again.”

These past few days have felt normal for the first time in a long time. I know the pendulum will swing again soon, but for now I am content and that’s enough. We have decided to go ahead with InVitro and pray that God allows that 30% to be an afterthought for us. If he wants us to adopt, we will. I feel really good about that option too.

Continue to pray for us. And if you are interested, read Taylor’s Blog. She’ll strengthen your faith, just as she does mine. http://tstapes.blogspot.com/

joyful joyful

Joyful, Joyful Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Opening to the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness

Fill us with the light of day.

rough day

chances of InVitro ever working for us? 25-30%
not feeling great about things
joe's worse
not real sure where we go from here
keep praying that God opens a door somewhere and that we can find the handle and be brave enough to walk thru

oh yeah!

I forgot the happiest happy thus far! I chopped all my hair off! I know it is to the dismay of some (Brian Tindell) that my long curly locks are now in a dumpster somewhere, but summer is too far away and my hair was too long to be worth my while. Luckily, my sweet husband lets me do whatever I please to my hair, so I got it summer short just in time for the last 8 weeks of school! (yes, there are only 6 left now, meaning I've had this over 2 weeks now!) Here's old me and new me!

It's always something...

We were due to meet with Dr. Kevin again tomorrow at 3:30, but have been cancelled. What a surprise, right? We are now due to see him on Friday at 4:30. Pray for peace. Pray for a plan. Pray for a possibility. We need them all.

Saturday I was very blessed by my sweet mother in law. She called together many women from our church and families to come and pray with me and share faith stories from their own lives. It was amazing the feelings that were welling inside me when these ladies prayed over me and spoke so candidly about their own struggles. I am confident that God has this in control. I am confident that it will all be okay in the end. But the interim, the walking blindly with no end in sight...it's really hard. There is no sure footing so we are walking so slowly and carefully. I want to just jump and land on the other side! So...more to come on that soon.

This week has really been wonderful in spite of our trials. I was able to spend lots of time with my best friend Amy and with my new BFF Tanya. I found an old CD from my childhood that cracks me up (who else listened to AVB? "What's your tag say?" Anyone? We recieved over $800 back from property taxes this year (not income taxes, PROPERTY! God keeps sending us monetary blessings over and over...which is good since we are paying a lot out of pocket right now.) I bought a bunch of beautiful flowers at wholesale prices (of course they got hailed on,but...) I led a very popular booth at Science night at school, and I keep coming back to my new favorite movie, ENCHANTED. What could be cuter than this concept? I love old Disney, I love musicals, I love New York. It's just the best. And the song "that's how you know," It just makes me smile every time! Especially when James Marsden yells "Giselle!" and bites his fist. Awesome! If you haven't seen this, you have to! It will make you feel like a little girl again.

So...the world is still turning, and I am still taking it one day at a time. God will provide. Baby Varney...coming sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. :)

and here we go again...

Couldnt hold on to that good feeling for too long, right?
We went to the doc again on Sunday and got more negative news. He's "very concerned" about our results from that appointment and wants us to come in again to discuss what we can do. I'm feeling scared and skeptical. Joe is sad, but optimistic. he really believes that we are meant to get pregnant on our own. I'm not so sure the odds are in our favor. So...pray for us. Harder. More. We go to the Doc to follow up on Tuesday....

Good news!

I could possibly be pregnant by mid June! WOW! Our appointment DID get to happen today and we did SO much! The doctor said everything looks really good and there is no reason I shouldn't have a good number of healthy eggs or be able to carry a baby to term, so that is very promising! So now we have to decide how quickly we want to begin...could be as early as the end of April! Wow....
The whole process will take just over 5 weeks from starting meds to injections to harvesting to fertilizing to implanting to finding out pregnant or not. Whew! That's pretty fast! So, begin praying that the things that need to happen fall into place, that Joe and I are both physically able to produce the necessary "ingredients" when they are needed for the baby recipe, and that we are successful in our first attempt with In Vitro. Right now I am feeling very optimisic! And...high possibility of twins, so get ready to hear that from us too!
Thanks for all the prayers! They are helping tremendously, so keep 'em coming!
OH! And if anyone has several thousand dollars laying around they don't need, send them our way! We are about go much further into debt!

AARGH!!!

We were supposed to meet our fertility doc today. Supposed to know what's going on with us today. Supposed to start our walk down In Vitro lane today. But no. Nothing works out the way its supposed to. Not for us. It's as if someone is doing everything in their power to keep us from having a baby. The storm last night knocked out power at the fertility center. So now I've spent another day off work for nothing, and am set back (yet again) on knowing/starting/doing anything to start my family with Joe. Its so frustrating...

words words words

This past weekend I went to Canton with my mother in law, her best friend Sherry, and Sherry's daughter in law. Fun right? It really was! It was great to escape life for a while. This week has been a doozy (to say the least.) Between my finding out a very close friend is unexpectedly pregnant (and I am NOT), another very close friend has had his wedding called off by his fiance, ANOTHER very close friend has had his heart broken by a girl he's been with over a year...it goes on and on.
So in Canton, I discovered the wide world of motivational phrases. It seemed that every corner I turned, I saw another one that spoke to me. And after a couple of weeks of crying and anger on a daily basis, it was nice to feel like hope could be restored in that crazy brain of mine. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. Life is about how you handle plan B.
2. God doesn't always calm the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and just calms his child.
3. When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step into the unknown darkness, of this we can be sure, Either God will provide something solid to stand or we will be taught to fly.
4. Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

And my favorite...
I believe in the sun, even if it does not shine. I believe in love, even if I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he's silent.

That's what I feel mostly now...that God is being silent. The lack of control that I have in this and the huge amount of fear of this unknown abyss has made me very pesimistic lately. And I think it's because I spend so much time praying and even yelling at God and I don't receive and answer. The waiting is the hardest part. Waiting for a baby, waiting for an unsuccessful IVF, waiting to adopt, waiting for triplets...who knows? Only God. And he hasn't told me yet...I wish he would. But until then, I am trying hard to hold on. Pray hard for me. Pray hard for Joe as he puts up with me. It is getting rougher every day.

John Chapter 9

In John chapter nine there is a story about a blind man healed by Jesus. When the people ask Jesus why he was born blind, they already have their own suspicions. In Bible days you were usually afflicted with some mality due to sins of your parents or yourself. In the Old Testament there are multiple reasons God would "close your womb" even! But Jesus says this man was not blind because of anyone's sin. He said it was so the glory of God could be seen in his life.
Right now I am going through roller coaster emotions. Lots of "what ifs" and "why mes" The problem is, there is no way to know the answer to any of those questions. I have to accept that. But it doesn't stop me from searching for answers. For now, that answer DOES bring me some comfort. God may be allowing these problems so that "the GLORY of God may be seen in my life." Maybe!
I shared this with my friend who is also having fertility problems and her response was this: "That was what I needed to hear. But is it bad I wish Jesus would spit on some mud and rub it on my ovaries so I could ovulate and get pregnant?" See...we still have a sense of humor!
Thanks for your prayers, notes and calls. Everyone of them seems to come right when I need some encouragement...so keep 'em comin!

Appointment set!

We will be meeting with a fertility specialist on April 10th at 12:00 Noon to begin preliminary plans for in vitro. Pray that everything falls into place, including the money we need, and that we are able to have a child in the next few months. I'm really struggling with this and I'm praying and hoping that God will hear my cries!

I'm crashing

I'm nervous. Every time I read a comment or have someone tell me, "you have such faith" I just laugh to myself. I am such a doubting Thomas. I have tried to push through the doubts, but it's so hard to ignore them. It's hard to have an unwavering faith ever, let alone day after day after day of uncertainty.
We found out today we will definately have to do invitro and more than likely, will have to do a specialized kind called ICSI: intracytoplasmic sperm injection. That is where they actually inject a sperm into an egg. 1 egg + 1 sperm = 1 embryo. I'm starting to worry that there won't be sperm when we need them. I'm starting to worry it won't work. I'm starting to wonder what will happen if we have to adopt and how will I feel about not having a 1/2Joe 1/2Rachel and no pregnancy to experience. I worry about what if we have multiples and it's more $ to put them in daycare than what I make. What if we can't afford our house anymore? But mostly it's what if this dream I've had since I was old enough to dream of being a mom is on God's NO list? It hurts to admit to myself that I may be that one in a million girl who just isn't going to be a mom, and that I can't control that.
So despite all my smiles and upbeat comments, my outlook today doesn't feel so sunny. I want to believe, but it's very hard for me to see the half full glass right now.
Joe's test results are all what we expected today. If you want to know specifics, let me know and I'll fill you in. He is on medication now that may (if they work) make some difference within 4 months. That would put in vitro/ ICSI for July for us. That's the timing we wanted. (Due date next April then...) Pray that things line up for us. Pray that God works his miracle in this early time for us. And pray for my sanity. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the ups and downs. But mostly I'm tired of being afraid and doubtful.

Hannah's Hope

I am reading a wonderful book called "Hannah's Hope" about how Hannah suffered through years of infertility only to birth one of the greatest men in the Bible...Samuel. It has made me take a better look at God's plan for infertile women in his word. There are so many, and they almost always give birth to someone of greatness. Here's an excerpt:
"Infertility took center stage in God's account of history as the establishment and continuation of the Israelites seemed to be in question. Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah was ninety when their child of promise was finally born. Isaac ,in turn, prayed for his barren wife, Rebekah, before God blaced twins within her womb. One of those boys, Jacob, also went on to taste fertility challenges. While he had twelve sons, only two came from his beloved wife, Rachel, who struggled through years of infertility, both "primary" and "secondary."
I've often wondered if Rachel's first son, Joseph, might also have battled to become a father. The Bible records only two sons for him, something rare in an age without birth control, when a large family was a sign of prestige."
Its always hard to see the big picture when you only hold one tiny piece. I know that it will all come together and make our picture perfect family eventually. Thank you to those of you who are praying for us daily and checking in, offering advice, and driving miles and miles to tell me your story and give me a hug. I love you guys! Pray for us tomorrow. We will be meeting with the urologist one last time to get the final word on pursuing invitro. Hopefully we will have a course of action by the end of April and begin the process in May. Love you guys!

music and lyrics

So I went to visit my brother and meet his girlfriend for Spring Break. Sounds great, right? Yeah...we went to church on Sunday. I met Cyndi mere moments before I learned what the sermon was on...BABY DEDICATION SERVICE. Can't a girl get a break sometime?!?! 3 sermons heard this year...3 sermons about babies...3 emotional breakdowns. Just when I thought I was over the hump.
So anyways...I've been listening to a couple of songs over and over and reading a wonderful book called Hannahs Hope. More on that to come. In the meantime, here are some of my words of comfort echoing in my head...and my car as I drive along I20!

Faith To Be Strong
from "Carried Along"Words by Andrew Peterson
Give us faith to be strongFather, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.

Who Am I
by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

how often do you get to have a lingerie shower for yourself?

Once, right? There's that inevitable day when you have your "personal shower" (as some say) and all your friends (and maybe your mother-in-law and her friends too) buy you fun things to wear for your husband.
Well, in college there were a slew of lingerie showers for the engaged girls our senior year, but several of us GATAs were without men in our lives. Someone had the brilliant idea to have a party for all us single gals! We traded names and sizes and everyone brought and got a gift! We played silly shower games and had prizes and all kinds of looney fun!
Now, several years later and a couple years into marriage, I have experienced another of these showers. The young married women at church have been immeasurably blessed to have just completed a study on what God intends for sex in your marriage. We read a book called INTIMATE ISSUES and have spent 12 weeks discovering what God had planned when he first put Adam and Eve together. It's been an incredible study with only one way we could really celebrate its conclusion...a lingerie shower for ourselves!
Wednesday night we held the shower at my house, complete with fondue, games, and random door prizes (a Barry White cd, a belly dancing instructional video, candle and perfume sets, etc.) It was SO FUN! We dedcided it should be an annual event now for our class! These past few weeks have been so wonderful to bond this group of young ladies together that we want to spend more and more time together, and I look forward to what is in store in the upcoming months.
But for now, I am thankful to have all of this newly acquired knowledge and some new lingerie that I didn't buy myself! Girls, if your church is open minded enough to let you do this, it really was a fantastic study. I recommend each of you married ladies read the book, if not study it with a group. It brought out so many issues in each of us and really made us examine our own minds and hearts and what we are willing to give to our husbands. And it has made me so much more aware of the complexity of God and how we are designed so purposefully. We DO serve and awesome Lord!

Quick update...

Joe and I have completed our multiple rounds of fertility testing and are coming out still in one piece on the other side! Hooray! I have gotten the green light on all of my tests so far, so praise God!!! I can carry a baby if one ever finds it's way into my belly! My spirits are up considerably, as are Joe's which makes for a much happier household. On March 25th we will be meeting once more with Joe's doctors. Joe and I are opting to expect the most out of this...so we are expecting InVitro and from that, we are expecting triplets. (better to be overprepared we say!) It's nice to be through the beginning stages of greif (anger, resentment, bargaining) and on to acceptance.
We know that God has a plan for us and we trust him completely. Do I still get angry when I see yet another unwed mother at school pregnant with child #7 by man #7? Yes. Does it hurt my heart for kids to say, "you ain't got no kids?" Yes. (for grammatical reasons as well as emotional). Do I still cry for no reason at baby commercials, baby clothes, and strangers with their newborns? Absolutely. But I know that is all because God has put such a strong desire in me to be a mom. It's going to happen. It may cost my more money than what is in my bank account, more tears than I have cummulatively shed in my lifetime, and for sure, more time than I anticipated...but no one will love their baby like we will. We have prayed, toiled and will continue to suffer for our family. And we'll be happy we did one day soon.
To add to my hardships, I have learned of 2 more friends struggling with infertility. One, is an amazing girl, who may as well be my sister. She is beginning her journey through this and I'm happy to be on a more joyful side as I walk with her through her greif. And another friend, I only know through blogging, who has only been pregnant 3 months has gotten devastating news about her unborn baby and a chromosome disorder that may take it's life.
Those of you who have children, be overly and abundantly thankful for them! There are many of us who long to be in your place!

Meltdown take 2

Imagine Wiley Coyote walking along. "Look at the beautiful sunset over there! Everything sure is going my way today..." He looks down and....FWOOOMP! He thought he was walking on ground, but...nope!

So Sunday we had yet another tumultuous time. Randy preached about children and their importance in Biblical history and at the end of service invited all the families to bring their children up to be prayed for. I knew he was going to do this. He told us earlier this week so we could bring the kids in from Bible Hour. But I still got teary. Now, when I get teary and am holding it in, if ANYONE talks to me, I fall apart. My good friend Kara saw I was teetering and came to check on me. Gushing tears all of a sudden. My mother in law holds me and prays with me, sad sighs in my direction from surrounding people, another batch of kleenex crumpled in my hands.

After church I cry through a series of people coming to talk to me about how infertility has touched their families, followed by Aud telling me my eyes are pretty when I cry. :) I go to class somewhat collected where someone in class announces....yes...they're pregnant. I get up and leave (a pre-imptive move) and go cry in the bathroom. My BFF in training, Tanya, follows me in and sits with me. It was great to have someone with me who didnt' want to offer advice. She knew I just needed her there next to me. After that I ran into Randy in the hall. I told him I'm not liking him so much right now...he keeps making me cry! He prayed with me and talked to me about things for a few minutes. During that talk he told me he had not intended on telling about he and his wife's struggle to have kids (the talk that sent Joe and I into an emotional downward spiral!) I told him I felt like he was preaching just to me that day.

I know God has this in control. I know something will happen for us one way or another. But those down days are really low. It takes everything happy out of me for a full 24 hours and its so hard to recover from. I guess that's the really hard part about this waiting time...we never know when we'll look down and the ground will be missing. FWOOMP!

happies and sads

well, after a few more days to digest the possibilities, I have to say that I am doing much better. Joe is joking about it a lot more (a good sign) and I havent severely cried over it in almost 2 weeks! I do find myself getting teary over little things tho...lyrics to a song, walking through the cute baby clothes at a shop with Mom and my girlfriends, seeing pregnant women at the supermarket.

But things aren't all sad. There are lots of joys getting me through right now. So here are just a few to prove I'm not as distraught as I could be...

1. We went to see my BFF's new house in Granbury and it is nothing short of AMAZING. I know where I'll be spending my summer this year! It is one of the most gorgeous houses I have ever set foot in and it is inspiring Joe and I to get on a better budget and start saving for our future awesome home!

2. My kids from Art Club and I are taking part in a big parade in Fort Worth in 2 weeks. We are the youngest of 900 kids participating and we are going to be Jungle Animals. Our masks are so cool...they are made out of packing tape, paint, tissue paper and glue. WOW. Who knew you could do so much with tape? We have 2 lions, 2 monkeys, 2 elephants, a zebra, tiger, giraffe, toucan, hippo and rhino. Here are a few of my favorites...
We are marching on March 8th, so be looking for future posts on that! We are makign costumes next week that the kids designed!

3. We have been doing a study on Wednesday nights called INTIMATE ISSUES. If you have never read this and you are a young married woman, I HIGHLY recommend it. And your husband will LOVE that you read it too. It is about what God intends for sex in your marriage and it has been a wonderful 11 weeks with the girls from my young marrieds class. We laugh so much and have really learned a lot about being better wives to our husbands. I have had a big smile each week tho, as I think about what a blessing my husband is. Last night a friend was saying in class how my husband has made her husband want to be better at loving her, cuz he sees how Joe treats and loves me when we are with them. Awww. Good Joey!

4. I am being so supported by people both here and far away that it makes it hard for me to not thing positively about my baby prognosis. There is no part of me that thinks this won't happen for us. There is no part of me that fears God won't bless us. I find myself wanting more and more faith with each passing day and I'm excited to see where he takes me along this journey. A new blog friend of mine has recently prevailed over this same struggle and she has encouraged me more than I can say. Her words uplift me when I'm feeling down and I keep going back to read them again and again. So thanks Taylor!

I leave you with lyrics (yet again) that made me cry this week. Some songs you've heard so many times you don't think about the words any more. I grew up listening to the Beatles but never paid attention to the words I guess. Jaime, thanks for the CD. This song is on perpetual repeat in my car...

LET IT BE

"And when the sky is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow...let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary (or GOD) comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. LET IT BE."

I'll let this be. And it WILL be alright in the end.

in vitro in our lives

Doctor says this is our best chance. In vitro. What's that entail? When? How much? Don't know yet. Few more tests to run. We'll meet back with him at the end of March to make further plans. Obviously NOT what we wanted to hear today. Pray for God to take that small SMALL possibility that we can do this on our own before we start down this road to further debt!
Thanks for your prayers...

An unexpected Sunday

This morning began like any other Sunday. Get up. Get ready for church. Walk in. Sing. Pray. But it was not an ordinary Sunday for us...
Joe was asked to give the communion meditation today. Something he has done a few times before, but Joe's not much for speaking in front of a crowd. He knew what he was going to say. He was going to talk about frustration. About how there are times in life where you think you have it so bad and that the cards are stacked against you. But that it's in those times you have to remember that Jesus endured far worse than you are. That His plans are not your plans.
Good thoughts, right? Joe didn't make it through the first sentence. Nor any sentence after. Tears were streaming down his face as he slowly choked through it. I (of course) was silently crying with him. My mother in law scooted a little closer to me.
Then Randy Todd got up. He's our new preacher and has been with us only a few short weeks. We haven't heard him but once or twice, as we are usually back in Bible Hour during the sermon. Randy spoke today about praying boldly and with expectation that God will not only hear you, but will answer you. I found myself unable to stop the tears from coming. Praying boldly. Expecting God to act. Not my strong suit right now. In fact, 2 days ago I was very angry with God.
Romans 12:11-12
11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Patient in affliction, eh? Yeah, that's easy to say. Hard to do. As Randy finished up his lesson, he spoke about he and his wife and their struggle to have children. They now have 4, but for a long while, it looked like it would be zero. That pushed me over the edge. I am audibley crying at this point and my husband is desperately trying to fight his tears. As they begin the invitation song, I realize this is the day we are supposed to let the world know. We go forward with about 8 friends surrounding us. The elder I speak to cries with me. And we tell our church how we are struggling to have a baby. How we are getting bad test results and are fearful of what may never come to us.
We were prayed for several times. I was hugged by people I've never met. And I was consoled tearfully by many women who have been in my shoes. One woman told me...you know God did this on purpose. He made sure your husband was chosen to speak first. He made sure you weren't in Bible Hour this one day. He made sure that the songs we sang and the lesson spoken were exactly directed to you. Today. Today was for you.
Its true. Its hard to explain the overwhelming emotion that was pouring out of me today. A day I had NO idea was coming.
I say all this to ask you to join us...me, Joe, our families, our friends, and now our congregation in bold prayer for our future family. I know we may have a long, hard road ahead. I know I will spend many more hours crying over this. But I have to believe that God put this desire in me and has every intention of fulfilling it. So in the words of Journey..."DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"