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Monday, February 25, 2008

Meltdown take 2

Imagine Wiley Coyote walking along. "Look at the beautiful sunset over there! Everything sure is going my way today..." He looks down and....FWOOOMP! He thought he was walking on ground, but...nope!
So Sunday we had yet another tumultuous time. Randy preached about children and their importance in Biblical history and at the end of service invited all the families to bring their children up to be prayed for. I knew he was going to do this. He told us earlier this week so we could bring the kids in from Bible Hour. But I still got teary. Now, when I get teary and am holding it in, if ANYONE talks to me, I fall apart. My good friend Kara saw I was teetering and came to check on me. Gushing tears all of a sudden. My mother in law holds me and prays with me, sad sighs in my direction from surrounding people, another batch of kleenex crumpled in my hands.

After church I cry through a series of people coming to talk to me about how infertility has touched their families, followed by Aud telling me my eyes are pretty when I cry. :) I go to class somewhat collected where someone in class announces....yes...they're pregnant. I get up and leave (a pre-imptive move) and go cry in the bathroom. My BFF in training, Tanya, follows me in and sits with me. It was great to have someone with me who didnt' want to offer advice. She knew I just needed her there next to me. After that I ran into Randy in the hall. I told him I'm not liking him so much right now...he keeps making me cry! He prayed with me and talked to me about things for a few minutes. During that talk he told me he had not intended on telling about he and his wife's struggle to have kids (the talk that sent Joe and I into an emotional downward spiral!) I told him I felt like he was preaching just to me that day.

I know God has this in control. I know something will happen for us one way or another. But those down days are really low. It takes everything happy out of me for a full 24 hours and its so hard to recover from. I guess that's the really hard part about this waiting time...we never know when we'll look down and the ground will be missing. FWOOMP!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

happies and sads

well, after a few more days to digest the possibilities, I have to say that I am doing much better. Joe is joking about it a lot more (a good sign) and I havent severely cried over it in almost 2 weeks! I do find myself getting teary over little things tho...lyrics to a song, walking through the cute baby clothes at a shop with Mom and my girlfriends, seeing pregnant women at the supermarket.

But things aren't all sad. There are lots of joys getting me through right now. So here are just a few to prove I'm not as distraught as I could be...

1. We went to see my BFF's new house in Granbury and it is nothing short of AMAZING. I know where I'll be spending my summer this year! It is one of the most gorgeous houses I have ever set foot in and it is inspiring Joe and I to get on a better budget and start saving for our future awesome home!

2. My kids from Art Club and I are taking part in a big parade in Fort Worth in 2 weeks. We are the youngest of 900 kids participating and we are going to be Jungle Animals. Our masks are so cool...they are made out of packing tape, paint, tissue paper and glue. WOW. Who knew you could do so much with tape? We have 2 lions, 2 monkeys, 2 elephants, a zebra, tiger, giraffe, toucan, hippo and rhino. Here are a few of my favorites...
We are marching on March 8th, so be looking for future posts on that! We are makign costumes next week that the kids designed!

3. We have been doing a study on Wednesday nights called INTIMATE ISSUES. If you have never read this and you are a young married woman, I HIGHLY recommend it. And your husband will LOVE that you read it too. It is about what God intends for sex in your marriage and it has been a wonderful 11 weeks with the girls from my young marrieds class. We laugh so much and have really learned a lot about being better wives to our husbands. I have had a big smile each week tho, as I think about what a blessing my husband is. Last night a friend was saying in class how my husband has made her husband want to be better at loving her, cuz he sees how Joe treats and loves me when we are with them. Awww. Good Joey!

4. I am being so supported by people both here and far away that it makes it hard for me to not thing positively about my baby prognosis. There is no part of me that thinks this won't happen for us. There is no part of me that fears God won't bless us. I find myself wanting more and more faith with each passing day and I'm excited to see where he takes me along this journey. A new blog friend of mine has recently prevailed over this same struggle and she has encouraged me more than I can say. Her words uplift me when I'm feeling down and I keep going back to read them again and again. So thanks Taylor!

I leave you with lyrics (yet again) that made me cry this week. Some songs you've heard so many times you don't think about the words any more. I grew up listening to the Beatles but never paid attention to the words I guess. Jaime, thanks for the CD. This song is on perpetual repeat in my car...


"And when the sky is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow...let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary (or GOD) comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. LET IT BE."

I'll let this be. And it WILL be alright in the end.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

in vitro in our lives

Doctor says this is our best chance. In vitro. What's that entail? When? How much? Don't know yet. Few more tests to run. We'll meet back with him at the end of March to make further plans. Obviously NOT what we wanted to hear today. Pray for God to take that small SMALL possibility that we can do this on our own before we start down this road to further debt!
Thanks for your prayers...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

An unexpected Sunday

This morning began like any other Sunday. Get up. Get ready for church. Walk in. Sing. Pray. But it was not an ordinary Sunday for us...
Joe was asked to give the communion meditation today. Something he has done a few times before, but Joe's not much for speaking in front of a crowd. He knew what he was going to say. He was going to talk about frustration. About how there are times in life where you think you have it so bad and that the cards are stacked against you. But that it's in those times you have to remember that Jesus endured far worse than you are. That His plans are not your plans.
Good thoughts, right? Joe didn't make it through the first sentence. Nor any sentence after. Tears were streaming down his face as he slowly choked through it. I (of course) was silently crying with him. My mother in law scooted a little closer to me.
Then Randy Todd got up. He's our new preacher and has been with us only a few short weeks. We haven't heard him but once or twice, as we are usually back in Bible Hour during the sermon. Randy spoke today about praying boldly and with expectation that God will not only hear you, but will answer you. I found myself unable to stop the tears from coming. Praying boldly. Expecting God to act. Not my strong suit right now. In fact, 2 days ago I was very angry with God.
Romans 12:11-12
11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Patient in affliction, eh? Yeah, that's easy to say. Hard to do. As Randy finished up his lesson, he spoke about he and his wife and their struggle to have children. They now have 4, but for a long while, it looked like it would be zero. That pushed me over the edge. I am audibley crying at this point and my husband is desperately trying to fight his tears. As they begin the invitation song, I realize this is the day we are supposed to let the world know. We go forward with about 8 friends surrounding us. The elder I speak to cries with me. And we tell our church how we are struggling to have a baby. How we are getting bad test results and are fearful of what may never come to us.
We were prayed for several times. I was hugged by people I've never met. And I was consoled tearfully by many women who have been in my shoes. One woman told me...you know God did this on purpose. He made sure your husband was chosen to speak first. He made sure you weren't in Bible Hour this one day. He made sure that the songs we sang and the lesson spoken were exactly directed to you. Today. Today was for you.
Its true. Its hard to explain the overwhelming emotion that was pouring out of me today. A day I had NO idea was coming.
I say all this to ask you to join us...me, Joe, our families, our friends, and now our congregation in bold prayer for our future family. I know we may have a long, hard road ahead. I know I will spend many more hours crying over this. But I have to believe that God put this desire in me and has every intention of fulfilling it. So in the words of Journey..."DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"