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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I'm crashing

I'm nervous. Every time I read a comment or have someone tell me, "you have such faith" I just laugh to myself. I am such a doubting Thomas. I have tried to push through the doubts, but it's so hard to ignore them. It's hard to have an unwavering faith ever, let alone day after day after day of uncertainty.
We found out today we will definately have to do invitro and more than likely, will have to do a specialized kind called ICSI: intracytoplasmic sperm injection. That is where they actually inject a sperm into an egg. 1 egg + 1 sperm = 1 embryo. I'm starting to worry that there won't be sperm when we need them. I'm starting to worry it won't work. I'm starting to wonder what will happen if we have to adopt and how will I feel about not having a 1/2Joe 1/2Rachel and no pregnancy to experience. I worry about what if we have multiples and it's more $ to put them in daycare than what I make. What if we can't afford our house anymore? But mostly it's what if this dream I've had since I was old enough to dream of being a mom is on God's NO list? It hurts to admit to myself that I may be that one in a million girl who just isn't going to be a mom, and that I can't control that.
So despite all my smiles and upbeat comments, my outlook today doesn't feel so sunny. I want to believe, but it's very hard for me to see the half full glass right now.
Joe's test results are all what we expected today. If you want to know specifics, let me know and I'll fill you in. He is on medication now that may (if they work) make some difference within 4 months. That would put in vitro/ ICSI for July for us. That's the timing we wanted. (Due date next April then...) Pray that things line up for us. Pray that God works his miracle in this early time for us. And pray for my sanity. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the ups and downs. But mostly I'm tired of being afraid and doubtful.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

No matter how it happens, you and Jo are going to have awsome children that you couldn't live without. Everyone wants a baby that is physically a part of them, but I like how Rick put it when talking about his adopted kids. The biological one(s) grew in mommy's tummy first, but their adopted one(s) grew in mommy's heart.

God is using you for something. We don't know what it is, but he's got plans for your struggle whether it's for you or for someone else. You will have a family that you love!