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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

18 weeks

Well...I'm 18 weeks now. Not sure, but I think I felt the baby kick for the first time today!! It felt different than anything I've felt so far. It only happened once, so now I am anxious to feel it again!

And hopefully on November 2nd we learn if its Zeke or Zoe at our ultrasound! Any guesses?

Friday, October 16, 2009


I'm not sure really where to start on this rant. It's been somethign building for over 2 years and while I thought I had overcome my anger with it, it came rushing back today.

One of the worst things about being an infertile couple is not that you can't have that baby...but that everyone else CAN. And lots of time it feels like you are the only one in this boat, just floating along in a sea of lonliness. Talking about it, praying about it, yelling about it, or crying about it still leave you floating with no life vest.

Randy is doing a series about faith in the hard times. If you are at all intersted in them, go to Woodland West C of C's website and listen to a sermon. I've only heard one, but it brought me to tears. There is something about saying you are hurting that take such courage. And once you admit it, it's hard to contain all the pain that's welled up. When Randy was talking about that sense of lonliness and that feeling that God is ignoring you, the feelings of the past 2 years came flooding in. He talked about how uncomfortable we are with eachother's pain. It's easy to focus inward and not worry about or really try to understand what others are going thru. That's why we feel alone in that sea. No one is reaching out because they either don't know how, or are afloat in a different ocean all their own. I know we felt like that often....actually most of the time. Even tho we knew we had hundereds upon hundreds of people praying for us, the fact that it was to akward to talk about with us for most people, made it the elephant in the room more than not.

And now I'm on the other side of the fight, pregnant, happy, healthy and getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting closer to the day I will feel movement in me and know if there is a Zeke or a Zoe in there....yet my heart is hurting for so many of my friends who can't share that same joy.

Thursday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. ( a mouthful, I know.) I'm sad to think I'm in a group that needs to remember a loss. And last night we got a little sad talking about how not just me, but 2 other close girlfriends SHOULD have newborns right now, who will all grow up together and be friends like us. But all 3 of us lost those pregnancies last fall. Today I learned of another close friend whose first sono showed a baby...with no heartbeat. And so I got another tearful phone call to discuss D and Cs and miscarriage. Another friend who is facing a new set of problems she didn't know were there and new set of options she thought were off the table. And I know there are countless more who struggle in silence.

Mom keeps telling me I've been through this to serve as a lifetime ministry. I have been through things and experienced heartaches that can help others in so many ways. But it breaks my heart to know that my victory won't be shared by all of them. We serve a mighty God who makes dreams come true and miracles happen. And I'm so unworthy to be one of these lost floating souls who recieved that mercy...and got my heart's greatest desire. But my tears are still rolling for those couples who still wait...feeling alone and helpless. And I just wonder why this has to be this way for so many of us.

So I pray tonight for strength to be a support for those around me who are looking for someone to hold onto. To get over myself and remember these girls who still long for what I have. And Lord, please, be with those 2 friends with broken hearts tonight. Hold them close to you and assure them that your plan is greater than they can imagine...and that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Monday, October 12, 2009

so much to say...

These past couple of weeks have been so full. We bought lots of good stuff at Just Between Friends in Grapevine including a diaper bag, a play mat and some more maternity clothes! Here is my cute bag:

Joe says it's not too girl, even if we have a boy and I LOVE IT! It's so me!

Most exciting is that we bought a crib and changing table! There is this adorable baby store in Lubbock called CUP OF TEA and we saw a baby crib there last year that we fell in love with. Just been waiting for a bun in the oven so we could buy it! We found out in the spring that the company that manufactures them has discontinued this model! CUP OF TEA bought out their inventory. So we got one of 3 that was left! Hooray! Its a convertable bed and is perfect in our nursery. Beside the fact that my credit card was cancelled unbeknownst to me (which we foudn out when I went to pay for it) and the fact that it woudn't fit in our car...it was a smooth transaction!

This past weekend we spent with our BFFs the Wilsons and the Tindells! It was so fun to be with our friends again! We've all been so busy with family, baby stuff and travelling that we haven't all been together in a long time. The reason for our reunion? Jake and Brian did an Olympic Triathalon! That's 1500yd swim, 25 mile bike ride, 6.2 mile run. It was Sunday, in the 40 degree weather and rain. The water was warm, the roads were hilly and slick and the run was exhausting cuz...well....did you hear what else they did first? They finished TOGTHER at under 3.5 hours. So proud of those guys!

And...I said I wouldnt put a bare belly picture but this one really shows where I am. Here goes!
Oh yeah! And my new toy...really my early anniversary gift from my Honey. thanks babe!