18 weeks

Well...I'm 18 weeks now. Not sure, but I think I felt the baby kick for the first time today!! It felt different than anything I've felt so far. It only happened once, so now I am anxious to feel it again!

And hopefully on November 2nd we learn if its Zeke or Zoe at our ultrasound! Any guesses?

Frustration

I'm not sure really where to start on this rant. It's been somethign building for over 2 years and while I thought I had overcome my anger with it, it came rushing back today.

One of the worst things about being an infertile couple is not that you can't have that baby...but that everyone else CAN. And lots of time it feels like you are the only one in this boat, just floating along in a sea of lonliness. Talking about it, praying about it, yelling about it, or crying about it still leave you floating with no life vest.

Randy is doing a series about faith in the hard times. If you are at all intersted in them, go to Woodland West C of C's website and listen to a sermon. I've only heard one, but it brought me to tears. There is something about saying you are hurting that take such courage. And once you admit it, it's hard to contain all the pain that's welled up. When Randy was talking about that sense of lonliness and that feeling that God is ignoring you, the feelings of the past 2 years came flooding in. He talked about how uncomfortable we are with eachother's pain. It's easy to focus inward and not worry about or really try to understand what others are going thru. That's why we feel alone in that sea. No one is reaching out because they either don't know how, or are afloat in a different ocean all their own. I know we felt like that often....actually most of the time. Even tho we knew we had hundereds upon hundreds of people praying for us, the fact that it was to akward to talk about with us for most people, made it the elephant in the room more than not.

And now I'm on the other side of the fight, pregnant, happy, healthy and getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting closer to the day I will feel movement in me and know if there is a Zeke or a Zoe in there....yet my heart is hurting for so many of my friends who can't share that same joy.

Thursday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. ( a mouthful, I know.) I'm sad to think I'm in a group that needs to remember a loss. And last night we got a little sad talking about how not just me, but 2 other close girlfriends SHOULD have newborns right now, who will all grow up together and be friends like us. But all 3 of us lost those pregnancies last fall. Today I learned of another close friend whose first sono showed a baby...with no heartbeat. And so I got another tearful phone call to discuss D and Cs and miscarriage. Another friend who is facing a new set of problems she didn't know were there and new set of options she thought were off the table. And I know there are countless more who struggle in silence.

Mom keeps telling me I've been through this to serve as a lifetime ministry. I have been through things and experienced heartaches that can help others in so many ways. But it breaks my heart to know that my victory won't be shared by all of them. We serve a mighty God who makes dreams come true and miracles happen. And I'm so unworthy to be one of these lost floating souls who recieved that mercy...and got my heart's greatest desire. But my tears are still rolling for those couples who still wait...feeling alone and helpless. And I just wonder why this has to be this way for so many of us.

So I pray tonight for strength to be a support for those around me who are looking for someone to hold onto. To get over myself and remember these girls who still long for what I have. And Lord, please, be with those 2 friends with broken hearts tonight. Hold them close to you and assure them that your plan is greater than they can imagine...and that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

so much to say...

These past couple of weeks have been so full. We bought lots of good stuff at Just Between Friends in Grapevine including a diaper bag, a play mat and some more maternity clothes! Here is my cute bag:

Joe says it's not too girl, even if we have a boy and I LOVE IT! It's so me!

Most exciting is that we bought a crib and changing table! There is this adorable baby store in Lubbock called CUP OF TEA and we saw a baby crib there last year that we fell in love with. Just been waiting for a bun in the oven so we could buy it! We found out in the spring that the company that manufactures them has discontinued this model! CUP OF TEA bought out their inventory. So we got one of 3 that was left! Hooray! Its a convertable bed and is perfect in our nursery. Beside the fact that my credit card was cancelled unbeknownst to me (which we foudn out when I went to pay for it) and the fact that it woudn't fit in our car...it was a smooth transaction!

This past weekend we spent with our BFFs the Wilsons and the Tindells! It was so fun to be with our friends again! We've all been so busy with family, baby stuff and travelling that we haven't all been together in a long time. The reason for our reunion? Jake and Brian did an Olympic Triathalon! That's 1500yd swim, 25 mile bike ride, 6.2 mile run. It was Sunday, in the 40 degree weather and rain. The water was warm, the roads were hilly and slick and the run was exhausting cuz...well....did you hear what else they did first? They finished TOGTHER at under 3.5 hours. So proud of those guys!

And...I said I wouldnt put a bare belly picture but this one really shows where I am. Here goes!

Oh yeah! And my new toy...really my early anniversary gift from my Honey. thanks babe!

Baby Updates

I am such a slacker! I know. I know. Baby weeks are flying by and I am leaving you all in the dark! So let's get a quick rundown, shall we?!!?

As of tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant and I am so thrilled to be out of the first trimester! I am not nearly as picky about my eating and can make it through the day, past 9 oclock without a nap! The first few weeks were a big blur of sleepiness and picky picky eating. I was never sick, but did have foods that made me feel nausous or just icky in general. My clothes would go from to tight, to barely fitting and back. Every day I had a different size pooch under my belly button. Of course, boobs are sore and growing, but mostly I was just in a daze of "can this be really happening?" I still feel that way pretty often, but with my belly getting bigger and bigger, it's becoming more real to me.

So I am now officially having to start the maternity wear. I bought swimsuit so I can start water aerobics. I have a couple of dresses and some shirts. But this weekend I finally caved and got the maternity jeans. I have some dress pants that are stretchy in the waist (Thank you Lerner!), but the dress pants will be soon to follow. I cannot button any skirts or pants anymore. I have the little bellyband thing, but it rolls and bunches and I just don't like it too much. Lots of my shirts don't work either because my boobs are too big to button them up, or I have too much cleavage to be comfortable. But I like knowing that little peanut is growing in there, so I can't complain!

I had my first real visit with my OB last Tuesday. Things were going well until they tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler (a little microphone they rub on your belly.) She couldn't find it. I got so scared. They sent us for a sono to make sure everythign was okay. And we got to see our little miracle again. Heart beating. Legs kicking. Arms moving up and down. It was amazing. A real, live being is inside me!!! I go back on October 13th for the next apt. The one AFTER that is when we find out if it's a Zoe or a Zeke. Speaking of....Our official names are Zoe Abigail Varney OR Joseph Ezekiel Varney... Zoe or Zeke!

We are finishing up the nursery, including buying a crib this coming weekend. We have cleared out all non-baby things from the baby room and can't wait to fill it with fun things! Here are a couple of pics of my baby bump progress.

This is at 8 weeks....

This is yesterday....just shy of 14 weeks...

I can't see my pants when I look down! My belly sticks out!!!!

baby update

Well, I went to my ObGyn for my first appointment on Thursday. It was completely uneventful, as I only met with a nurse and really only did paperwork. No bloodwork. No exam. It was very hard to leave the fertility clinic. I KNOW them. They KNOW me. I have relationships there. But my nurse Thursday was great. She was stunned to hear Joe and I are both twins. She said she couldn't believe we're only having a singleton.

It has been a fun last couple of week, seeing people and sharing the news. Lots of hugs and more tears than I ever expected! People I never thought would care so much are really WEEPING when they find out. I love feeling the prayers that have built up for the last 2 years being outpoured in emotion for us. We are blessed beyond measure and constantly hear of more and more people who have prayed without ceasing for our little one.

My favorite prayer story yet though, comes from the Dill family. If you are not a WW pal, you may recall a post from last year with Joe asleep on the floor with 2 little blonde boys. Those are our boys...Connor and Mac. Now they have a new little sister added to the mix. While their momma was pregnant, Mac (who is 4) started asking me all the time if I had a baby in my tummy. One night back in May he asked his Mom, "where is Joe and Rachel's baby?" She told him we don't have one. To which he replied, "They are married! They are supposed to have a baby!" Lauren told him God doesn't give babies to everyone. "He should give one to them. We need to pray for their baby." So every night for the whole summer, when Mac said his prayers, he finished with "please give Joe and Rachel a baby." And God answered. And while I know hundreds of people have been praying, part of me thinks this is thanks to the earnest heart of a child. Thanks Mac.

Cat's Out of the Bag!

Most of you know now, we are finally expecting our first baby!!!

We did our final round of invitro in early July and have known for about 6 weeks now that we are pregnant. :) I have felt pretty good for the most part and have luckily been spared the dreaded morning sickness. Some foods don't make me feel so great, but if I avoid those, I'm usually pretty good. A couple of weeks ago we were able to see our baby for the first time. It was a very nervous day for us, since this is when we lost our last one. But that day, there was a little bean in my uterus and a healthy heartbeat to be heard...at just shy of 7 weeks! Last Thursday we went for a follow up (the day I thought I was 9 weeks, come to find out....9 weeks and 2 days!). We saw the baby again, heart the heartbeat again and were told I could go off my progesterone injections! I went back on Friday to make do some blood work to make sure my body had taken over progesterone production. It has! So I am officially released from the fertility doctor and free to see my regular OBGYN.

I cannot express the feelings we are feeling and the overwhelming joy and excitement surrounding us and our families! It is such a miracle and one we were not sure we would ever be blessed with. These past 9 months, since the last pregnancy, have brought so many blessings in our marriage and God really gave me peace about what was ahead. The only time I doubted was the night before our pregnancy test. But God was faithful and we will never stop thanking him for this blessing!

I will have tons of things to share and post in the upcoming weeks and months and am SO looking forward to watching my belly grow! Mom and I have already gone maternity shopping and I am ready to be a cute pregnant gal!

So there it is....10 weeks down and 30 to go!

more craftiness!

So with summer giving me lots of extra time to paint and create, I have been hard at work in what will one day be our nursery. Painting the vines on the wall I knew would take me a good week's worth of time and we really wanted to build a palm tree...so that was going to take some ingenuity. So here's what we've ended up with:

The room looks like a wreck, but just pay attention to the walls. :) I painted every vine and leave by hand, just me a my paintbrush. It took me about 25 hours and each vine has 3-4 coats of paint. You can't tell from the pictures, but they are glossy finished which makes the light shine off of them. I am IN LOVE with this room!

Next we worked on the Palm tree. We started with an old floor lamp that Joe had....similar to this one.

Joe took it apart and cut the wiring out. Then we got some PVC pipe and fastened is to the lamp frame with epoxy and filled it with sand to weigh it down a little. I played with how to make leaves and found something that worked really well. I made "leaf shaped pillow cases" out of green felt and made a frame to hold it up and make it bendable with floral wire and a coat hanger. The cool part was, we found a way to make it where we can arch the middle by pushing the wire forward and backward. It was a happy discovery! Then we slide the frame in and sew it all up.

Here they are all bunched up as a "bouquet" and wired together so we can feed them into the pipe.

And here's the finished tree! I am SO proud of it!

Joe finished up the top of the dresser while I was busy with the vines. The boy did good! Here's his finished project!