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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I'm Scared

It's 12:30 am and I have been crying for the past 45 minutes. Well, off an on for the past 24 hours really. Mostly trying to keep myself busy and occupied while Joe is at work, but as the day to start InVitro nears, I am getting more and more afraid. No. Afraid isn't a stong enough word. Terrified. I'm not scared about taking the meds or giving myself shots. I'm not nervous about being poked and prodded, harvested and implanted. I'm worried about that dreaded day 6 weeks from now. The yes or no day. If it's yes...HOORAY and praise God! But what if it's NO? What if I'm that one person you know who just can't get pregnant. EVER. I'm so afraid that that is my future. Not the sunny, happy family I always thought I'd have. Just years ahead of debt and more debt and more debt. Years of waiting for children who won't come. Years of waiting to ever have money to do anything else we had planned for our lives. Joe is trying to destress me. He's trying to remind me I need to not worry about the future, we're not trapped, our whole life isn't riding on this one moment in time. But that's easier said than done. I feel like this is one of those life defining moments and I'm terrified of what the definition will be. I wish I could let it roll off my back and follow that "if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'LL make it okay" montra. But right now, I'm just not strong enough for that. I'm afraid. And I can't go anywhere but forward, knowing this is the right thing to do, but not that the right outcome will be there in the end.

6 comments:

The Best Family said...

thinking of you, Rachel... and praying for peace for you... peace in knowing that God has each moment in his hands. You WILL be a mommy someday... whether it works the way you thought it would or not, he has plans for you and Joe... I know it is so much easier said than done to leave it all in God's hands... but that is my prayer for you... the peace that can come only from knowing that He is in control and that He has you and Joe safely tucked beneath his wings...
love you...
~summer

Jake and Tanya Wilson said...

Love! I am sad I can`t be there with you as you begin this whole process... but you are definitely in my heart and in Jake and my prayers! Plus, being in debt isn`t all THAT bad... ha ha. At least we will all be in the same boat! And God has always provided y`all with money when you`ve needed it... it will be okay. Hugs!

Lauren said...

Keep your thoughts positive and keep praying. God has all the answers and will provide them.

stapes said...

I know how you feel. Though we never did in vitro, the fear of the unknown is still the same. Remember, God is using this time for a purpose and desires that you come to Him. He wants those fears, but most of all He wants you to trust Him. I know... easier said than done. Believe me - I've been there! I'm praying for you.

Taylor

Tony said...

Sending you and Joe my prayers from Montana. God hears you and knows what's in your hearts. As you said it's not easy, yet wait patiently for the Lord to act. God sees your love you show to children and knows you have a lot more to give. God's plan may not always match yours, but you can trust that He has a beautiful surprise in store for you both.

Your words, Rachel, made me think of Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:10-11. She cried and prayed: "Lord, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life." Of course, you're praying for a girl and I hope the Lord blesses you with a daughter. If things work out differently though, God give you courage and joy to receive the blessings He does give you. Tony

Rachel said...

I don't know that I'm praying for a daughter, I'm just praying for a child, a little Varney to join the fold. Twins would be great. A boy. A girl. Just a healthy baby that comes from me and Joe. That's what we're praying for...Thanks everyone for your kind words. I need them alot right now.