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Monday, February 25, 2008

Meltdown take 2

Imagine Wiley Coyote walking along. "Look at the beautiful sunset over there! Everything sure is going my way today..." He looks down and....FWOOOMP! He thought he was walking on ground, but...nope!
So Sunday we had yet another tumultuous time. Randy preached about children and their importance in Biblical history and at the end of service invited all the families to bring their children up to be prayed for. I knew he was going to do this. He told us earlier this week so we could bring the kids in from Bible Hour. But I still got teary. Now, when I get teary and am holding it in, if ANYONE talks to me, I fall apart. My good friend Kara saw I was teetering and came to check on me. Gushing tears all of a sudden. My mother in law holds me and prays with me, sad sighs in my direction from surrounding people, another batch of kleenex crumpled in my hands.

After church I cry through a series of people coming to talk to me about how infertility has touched their families, followed by Aud telling me my eyes are pretty when I cry. :) I go to class somewhat collected where someone in class announces....yes...they're pregnant. I get up and leave (a pre-imptive move) and go cry in the bathroom. My BFF in training, Tanya, follows me in and sits with me. It was great to have someone with me who didnt' want to offer advice. She knew I just needed her there next to me. After that I ran into Randy in the hall. I told him I'm not liking him so much right now...he keeps making me cry! He prayed with me and talked to me about things for a few minutes. During that talk he told me he had not intended on telling about he and his wife's struggle to have kids (the talk that sent Joe and I into an emotional downward spiral!) I told him I felt like he was preaching just to me that day.

I know God has this in control. I know something will happen for us one way or another. But those down days are really low. It takes everything happy out of me for a full 24 hours and its so hard to recover from. I guess that's the really hard part about this waiting time...we never know when we'll look down and the ground will be missing. FWOOMP!


Andrea said...

Hi Rachel--I just wanted to tell you that I SO remember being mired in bitterness back when Randy and I were trying to start our family--friends would announce pregnancies and my mood would just turn BLACK. Even after God blessed us with children but the miscarriages kept occurring, I felt angry and resentful when I would see new moms pushing strollers or carrying their newborns in a sling. I really do understand your feelings of despair and know your pain.

You'll find I don't often talk about my story unless I'm asked because I don't want it to be "all about me," but I do want you to know that I am available to talk if ever you feel like venting. You and Joe are in my daily prayers, and I want to encourage you to continue praying boldly for the blessing of a child that you so desperately desire.

My favorite verse that got me through my dark times was Proverbs 13:12, which says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I hope it brings you comfort too.


Elisa said...

Rach, this sounds so hard. I am praying for you this morning. Love, Elisa

Noel and Celeste said...

Hey Rachel,
I've been feeling for you through this time and am praying for you too. I'm glad to hear you say that about God being in control and not knowing what is going to happen one way or another. That takes some faith to go out on that limb that many want to avoid!

You said it... you know it... He IS in control!!! And whether He chooses to bless you with children, or chooses to bless you without children but instead with a testimony of faith because of your reliance on Him through this testing of faith... He is hearing you, He is loving you, and He is choosing what is best for you... best for you to become fully His.

I love that verse that Andrea posted (hi Andrea... I'm Noel) and I love the knowledge of the promise that God gives us all we need. That promise is such a comfort because it means I can base my wants on my current possessions. Do I need a wife, job, place to live, food, healthy body right now? Yes... but one day I may not, one day my body won't be needed by me... but on that day I can rest assured I will STILL have what I need!

Praise God for that!

Praise Him as you have been doing... through heartache, fear, doubt, and wonder... praise Him for actively choosing for you!

You're a wonderful woman from a wonderful family and while I don't know you very well, or Joe even less, I can see that you are seeking God, His will (whatever that may be) and His blessings... and THAT will do nothing but bring you peace and, while it may not have a face or a name or dirty diapers, it will bring you a bundle of joy as well!

I praise God for you!
Yours humbly...

Jaime said...

Alas, I have no wise and poignant words - looks like that is covered - but I do know this: it will happen dear friend. It will happen and we will all rejoice with you. And then we will re-visit those stores and we will shop till you drop!! You and Joe are two of the Blessed Ones and I know it will happen for you! In the meantime, I know I am too far away for hugs, but know they are there if you need one!!

ABL said...

You are covered in prayers. I wish there were words or kind deeds that could fix all of this. If that were so, I'm sure that I would be followed by an army eager to wisk in and make it better. Love you guys!

Ashhog said...

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen"

Quote I read that I thought you might like.