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Saturday, December 20, 2008


Tonight I had a breakdown on the way home from a wedding reception. With Christmas just days away, I am sadder and sadder that I'm not expecting the only gift I really want....yep...a baby growing inside me. If my first pregnancy had stuck, I'd be 20 weeks now. If the 2nd one had stuck, I'd be almost 11 weeks. I was SO looking forward to telling my family I was pregnant at Christmas this year. Now I'm sad about seeing my extended family...worried people will ask me about when I'll have kids. Worried about what to say when I'm asked that...IF I'm asked that. Worried that this time next year I'll feel the same. worried that at some point I will have to give up on this, even if I don't want to. Worried that I will always have this pit of pain deep within me. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time I am very content. I can see the blessings I have, but it's so hard to overlook the one that I don't. I am so afraid of what 2009 holds. Here's hoping that there is another stocking on my mantel next year.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Week Of Tears

Tears have become a regular part of my life, but this week was different. Had many different causes, and one that remains...
1. Saturday, 8:00pm
We were staying overnite with our two favorite little guys (the Dill boys) and it was story time right before bed. Connor asked me to read his new book "God Gave Me You." It's about a bear cub asking about when he was born. I was fine until the page that talked about when "we went to hear your heartbeat." Yeah...not great timing there.
2. Saturday 9:00opm
I was reading my chapter in "Little House on the Freeway" for class on Sunday and was recapping the info for Joe. As I talked about worry, hope, and relationships, I realized again what I have and what I still wish for.
3. Wednesday 8:00pm
Our class provided Christmas gifts for a needy family in our congregation. Last night we gave the wrapped packages to the mom and her 3 kiddos. To see those girls so wide-eyed and exicted HAS to bring a tear to your eye!
4. Thursday (today) 7:30am
On the way to work I listen to Kidd Kraddick. It was his annual "Breaking and Entering Christmas" where they break into someone's home and decorate, as well as provide insane amounts of money and gifts. This year it was a single dad with 4 kids under 14. He's an army man, served 7 years overseas, and after his last tour in Iraq came home to 4 kids and no job. He can't interview since he has 2 not of school age and has no way to pay daycare or babysitters. When they told him they were paying for 6 months of daycare and this tough army guy started crying, I almost had to pull over. That's a moving radio bit!
5. Thursday 1:00pm
Now, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but not really. :) My kids are talking about how they make animated movies this week and we have been looking at drawn, computer and stop action animation. Today we looked at "Polar Express" (incidentally my FAVORITE kids book ever!!). When we got to the part where the boy can't hear the bell and repeats "I Believe" over and over. And then Santa asks him what he said....When he tells Santa, "I believe. I believe. I believe," the tears started streaming. What's really funny is, we were watching it in Spanish! It was a billingual class!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


8 Things
I was tagged by Becky Terlisner, so here goes...

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Cheesecake Factory
2. On the Border
3. Hickory Street Cafe (abilene)
4. Harolds (abilene)
5. Bravo
6. Glorias
7. Chipotle
8. Joe T Garcias

8Things that Happened Today:
1. The garage stopped fully shutting
2. I made my lunch
3. I watched CLAYMATION XMAS 6 times
4. I Dance Dance Revolutioned for 45 minutes
5. I recovered a stolen memory stick
6. I got gas for $1.45
7. Drank hot cocoa with cloves, cinnamon and red hots in it(try that!!!)
8. I wore my favorite red coat with a long scarf and gloves

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Having babies....one day soon
2. Christmas with my family
3. Giving Xmas to a needy family (with my friends at church)
4. Driving a minivan permanantly (I love yours, Dills!!)
5. Being completely content with life
6. Friday afternoon at 3:10 when I'm on break!!!
7. Sleeping late
8. turning 30 in 2009!!!

8 Things I'm Scared Of:
1. Never having my own babies
2. being robbed
3. being lonely
4. losing joe
5. losing my job or joe's job
6. losing ANYONE I love
7. Not having retirement money
8. facing another year like 2008

8 Things I Wish For:
1. Babies
2. a bigger home
3. for Joe to get a better paying career (cuz mine will NEVER be better paying)
4. that my brother can find happiness again
5. that my happiness will last
6. good test results from my d and c
7. the economy will turn around
8. matt will cave and concede on the trip to NYC for our 30th bdays!

8 Things I Watch on TV:
1. Pushing Daisies
3. 30 Rock
4. The Office
5. Heroes
6. The Biggest Loser
7. Project Runway
8. Ugly Betty

8 People I TAG:
1. Tanya
2. Taylor
3. Carrie
4. Amy
5. Jamie
6. Andrea
7. Becky H
8. Jaime

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

a reason to be happy

It's been 3 weeks since we found out we were losing baby #2. For many people this would still be the low point of existence. For us though, we have decided to hit the "PAUSE" button on babies, and try to go back to normal life, for the first time in almost a year. And it's been great! In fact, I think I am the happiest I've been since we started testing last January. Here are a few things I have to be thankful for/happy about.
1. Medical Science. It's amazing the things they can do for us now and while it's not benefiting me just yet, it's such a blessing to be able to find out so much and have some options.
2. My family. While we've gone though all of the phases of this journey, our families have been incredible. From Mom and Dad helping us with money and coming at a moments notice, to Dad driving here to get my furniture and take it back to Lubbock to sell, to my in-laws cooking and cleaning for us, we've been well taken care of.
3. Friends. This incompasses so many. Here are a few I need to single out...
a. Hannah Group. This is my support group I've attended since April. These girls have been my heart and soul this year. I'm not sure how I would've survived without the meals, prayers, cards, emails and calls I get from them. For any of you out there who are suffering thru infertility, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP! It's been a huge blessing to me.
b. Amy. We've been though a lot this year and bonded in ways no one will ever be able to understand. I'm thankful to have had her by me in the joys and tears.
c. Carrie. My best friend from high school and I have reunited thru this and talk more often than we have in 10 years. It's been great having her to lean on.
d. Tanya. My bff in training. She has come thru in so many ways and has gladly let me push her aside on more than one occasion. She deals with just as much stress and craziness in her own life, but always manages to make time for me and my stuff.
e. Tracy, Marshon, Lori, Debra, Emily....these ladies at church always ALWAYS ask me how I am and check on me. Weekly I hear from at least one of them, if not more and they always make me feel loved.
f. My work friends. They cry with me and celebrate with me. In fact, I had more tears shed for me on my return to work than I shed myself.
g. Melanie. Even though she is giddy and proud of her new bundle of joy, she mourns with me and always has a kind word and prayer to offer me. It's almost like her new baby reminds her that I still don't have one.
4. The future. I have so much to look forward to. We are trying to plan an incredible trip just Joe and I think Spring, before we start round 3. I am almost 30 and am looking forward to a great next chapter in my life. It's Christmas, WHICH I LOVE!!! And I have hope in a God who wants to give me a hope and a future! And I can't wait to find out what that will be!
5. And lastly, and most of all, I am thankful and happy about my husband. I am so deeply in love with him and coming out of a hard, rough year, I know we are stronger than we were before we started. And I know that many marriages would not have survived.

There are lots of other things, but I'm rambling already. Basically, I think John Lennon had it right. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." And I don't want life to pass by with me worrying about babies. So I choose happiness. I choose to live with joy.