okay...this one IS sad

I'm at a real low point this week. I can't seem to be happy about anything. I know you've been there...everything seems wrong...work, friends, home, everything. That's where I am right now. And the fact that I'm on hormone medication is making it worse (I think). I'm on a higher dosage than I was on cycle one and I find myself crying ALL THE TIME. Really! I've been awake for 15 minutes and already have cried.
So just a rundown of why my life is making me crazy right now....
1. School bites. The kids are so difficult this year. To the point that I am doing kindergarten lessons with second grade due to the fact that they can't listen or act like they've been in my class for 2 years already. I've had about 15 kids pee in my room and one poop. (YEP! On the floor...and he was a 1st grader!!!) Teachers are on edge with so much work and their own discipline problems. It's been a really rough start.
2. Baby stuff (of course). My friend Jamie and I were going to plan a pledge class reunion this year (10 years since we pledged GATA), but we kinda dropped the ball. Jamie sent an email finding out if anyone was still planning to go and now the replies are coming in. So many are not coming because they "just had a baby" or "are due any day now" or have stuff with their kids already on the calendar that weekend. So everytime I read one of those I cry again. How come everyone else has a family? How come everyone else is havign their first babies right now? Why not me? I also got upset at work as I found out a drug addicted set of parents (whose kids are MAJOR discipline issues at school) are preg with #6. Mom says they are stopping at 6 since the government doesn't pay after that one. How can this go on? How can I still have an empty womb when there are druggies funding their addictions with their ability to concieve?!?!? It's TERRIBLEY unfair! I'm just at the bottom of the pit again on all this baby stuff...
3. Friends. I'm starting to realize that I don't have many. Not close ones anyways. My best friend (amy) is getting close to girls in Granbury now (which we knew would happen eventually) and I am so scared of what that means for me. We never go out with anyone except the Tindells, unless we do the asking. So mostly it's just me and Joe. What's a girl to do? I felt this way when I first got married too. I had left my church and placed membership at Joe's church. I knew everyone, but no one well. Then Amy came along and we clicked right away. So...I don't know what to do from here. Maybe we kind of segregated ourselves when we got so tight with the Tindells. I just feel really alone in general.

Was this all too much? Probably. Blogs are for venting tho, right? Got some advice? Got some wise words? Leave me a comment. That's actually another thing that makes me sad. I check my blog for comments and have one person say anything. (thanks Carrie!) I'm horrible at commenting too. But comments are what lets us know someone out there cares. right?

That's so sad...

Last night Joe and I did something I love to do...PAINT! We moved all the furniture out of our guest room and painted it the color I want for the future nursery. "That is so sad....that poor girl is painting a baby room and has no baby!" I don't see it that way at all. :) I see it as having complete faith that the baby is coming! I'm just getting ready to bring him/her into this house! As I was looking at the new green room before bed, I was picturing where the crib (or cribs) will go. Where will that dresser I painted sit? Where is my rocking chair going to be? I imagined rocking my sweet baby and groggily feeding him/her at 2am. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of what I will get to experience in this room. (needless to say, my current cycle is going well....slow...but good.)
So as I was having these daydreams about my future, I spotted something on the floor. A penny. My granny (mom's mom) was known for finding pennies. She found them everywhere she went. Or so I've been told. She died when I was 7. Every time we find a penny, my mom says something about Granny must be watching us. It's funny how we always find them at special times...birthday parties, graduations, my wedding. It was nice to see that Granny is here as I am getting ready to be a mommy. I've thought a lot about Granny the past week or so. When she died I didn't really know how to deal with it. Then one day it just hit me and I fell apart. Dad said he thought that's how I was handling our miscarriage too. Accept it, and let the weight of it hit you later on. I've missed not having my Granny. I missed getting to introduce her to my fiance or take pictures with her in my wedding dress. I missed that hug when I came off the stage at high school and college graduations. And I will miss her when I have her great-grandbaby in my arms. It's nice to think that maybe she is holding the one we lost right now tho. I thought a lot last night about what my relationship would be with her if she was still here. Would we be close? Would I call her like I call mom, just to talk and catch her up? I like to think so. I like to think that she would've been another best friend of mine. Losing grandparents so early makes it hard. (I lost 3 of my 4 by age 10).
So...this post is kind of sad, but not really. :) I'm happy to anticipate pregnancy and I'm happy to imagine what Granny would be doing if she were here.

ideas....

I am working on my furniture painting almost every day now. I have the coffee table finished (and not how I started it at all!!), the console table, an end table and a drawered table all done. YAHOO!!! I am about to start on my kids' table and chairs set. I'm not sure what to do with it. Joe says just paint it in primary colors, but I want to make it something unique. I am thinking that it needs to have a theme, maybe from a book?!? What ideas do you have? Gals with kids, what would be cute for a little coloring/playdough work table for your kids? Right now I'm thinking Dr.Seuss. Maybe "Cat in the Hat?" I also like "Green Eggs and Ham." Give me some advice! I want to draw it off this weekend so I can start painting on Monday!!

FIREPROOF

You need to see this movie. I heard Kirk Cameron speak about 5 years ago at an evangelism conference and it changed me. He was so inspiring and passionate about his faith. It was impressive.

I went to see FIREPROOF with my inlaws and some of their couple friends today. No Joe. Just me. If you dont know (like I didn't when I entered the theatre), this is the story of a couple whose marriage is falling apart. FAST. Neither are making it work and both are ready to quit. Through a series of events, the hard-headed husband (Kirk Cameron) is persuaded by Dad to take the "Love Dare" for 40 days. Every day there is something new to do to try and salvage his marriage. Through the story, not only does he find God and faith, but he realizes how much he really does love his wife and wants her to stay with him.

Now being a movie lover, I have to say that the dialogue/acting was like something out of A Walk to Remember or some other such cheesy feel good story. But the story is just so wonderful. So relevant. I ended up loving it! I found myself crying at several points in the story because I felt so emotionally connected. It was so great to see a sold out theater watching people talk openly about God and what he can do in your life!

At one point I found myself teary listening to the words of a song. Its at a point where Kirk's character is waiting on God to move, well into his 40 day "dare." The words fit any point where you find yourself in a trial you have to wait out. Any time that you are doing what you can, but waiting on God to swoop in. Here's what I remember from the lyrics. Sorry, I don't know who sings it...

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

It talks about being peaceful and faithful as you wait on God. Great song.

Anyhow...this movie made me appreciate my wonderful husband and the sweet way he always does things for me. Several moments in the movie, Kirk Cameron is trying things to show he cares that my boy does almost on a daily basis. He always calls to see if I need something on his way home from work. He calls me just to say hi and that he loves me. He buys me flowers for no reason. And he genuinely loves to do things to make me smile. In fact, just tonight our plans kind of went by the wayside and Joe was so excited to take me to my favorite store and buy me a new jacket (my fashion weakness). I told him over and over I didn't need it. We need to save that money. But he insisted. He wanted to "keep me looking pretty (wink)."

I'm so blessed to not be facing this particular trial in my life. I have a husband who loves me so much and so unconditionally. And I try to tell him and show him everyday that I would marry him all over again, and that he is not only my husband, but my very best friend. He was for years before I fell in love with him and I thank God for allowing me to spend my life with him.

So...see this movie.

5 Questions

Did you ever see Craig Kilborn on the Late Late Late Show? Or on what is now the Jon Stewart Show (it used to be hosted by Craig Kilborn?) He has this thing where his interviews only consist of 5 questions. It keeps it short and with strategic questions, you can get some good info and (hopefully for him) a few laughs too.
Mom and I were talking last week about a 5 Questions class that she has done on Wednesday nights with ladies before. It's been rolling in my brain for the past 5 days and I thought it would be good to do here. The idea is that you get a panel of 3 ladies who have all faced a similar struggle (cancer, divorce, alcholoism, etc.) and have them answer the same 5 questions about how it affected them. The hope is that it will inform people better about what it is like to stand in these people's shoes and what they can do to help in those times. It also lets women get to know eachother in a way they may not be able to day to day.
Through my months of infertility I've had a lot of ups and downs (more downs I'm sad to say.) And now through miscarriage I have yet another story to tell. So I'm going to take a crack at this. I hope it's enlightening!
1. In a couple of sentences, tell us why you qualify for this topic. (miscarriage)
I got pregnant after a year and a half and some fertility procedures. I only stayed pregnant 8 days past when I had my first pregnancy test. I miscarried on Sept 7, 2008.
2. What are some things that people said or did that made it easier?
I had several women at church hug and cry with me. Knowing people were sad for me was nice. My friends at work all check on me daily and make sure I really am as okay as I try to let on. We were with Amy and Brian when I physically miscarried and it was good to be with friends then, even tho I didn't feel like I needed people with me. It wasn't a meltdown, devastating moment. I knew it was coming. I got a really sweet card from my Aunt Jackie in Lubbock. And the ladies at Hannah Group have been really great to spend time with us, helping Amy and I think through what has happened to us.
3. What did people do that hurt?
Mostly what hurts is when people do nothing or act like it's part of the process. "I thought it was wierd that it worked the first time. Doesn't IVF usually take a couple of tries usually?" I know that sounds wierd because that has been my general outlook on it too. I have looked at it as a failed IVF cycle and not a death of my first child. I'm putting people between a rock and a hard place. I want people to be worried about me and ask me how we're doing and be as sad as they were happy when the news was good. But I also tell them I'm fine and we're moving on to the next step. Of course they leave me alone about it then! I guess it is starting to catch up to me that I should be having a sonogram this week to hear a heartbeat. I should be finding out if there are twins growing in me. But there is nothing there. The baby that was once growing in me is with God now. I understand that people don't know what to say to me.
4. What do you wish people would have done differently or said differently?
I wish more people would say something. I expected more cards. More calls. More emails. And there just weren't many at all. Lots of people did exactly what I needed...gave me a hug and told us they love us. That's been the best thing anyone has done. It's nice to know that people know, care, and will let me know that. It was hard to go through this while Amy was too. Her grief was so much more than mine and so the floodgate flowed to her from lots of people. Even from me, I directed all emotion to concern for her. I wish I could have recieved more of the outpouring. I'll remember that next time I hear someone else has miscarried. I know I have had friends experience that and done nothing also. But going through it makes me so much more aware of what it really means.
5. How has this strengthened your relationship with God?
Especially in the past week, I have been talking to God a lot about that baby. Was it a he or a she? Are they okay? Is Jesus rocking them to sleep every night? Have they found baby Tindell and started causing a ruckus up there? At Hannah Group last week they were talking to us about our babies being in Heaven and it was a thought I hadn't really had yet. I hadn't thought about my baby being "dead." I was still thinking "the embryo didn't stick." But now, I have really found a lot of comfort in the fact that God has my little one. A friend at group gave Amy and I a song called "Glory Baby." At first I didn't think it really applied to me. After all , this doesn't feel like a loss or a miscarriage. But it is. And now I feel that. This song is speaking to getting to see our lost children someday in Heaven and finally getting to hold them. After listening to that song about 12 times in my car, I listened to praise music. And found myself unable to sing along without crying. (not good when you are driving.) I find myself very connected in praise right now to God. My emotions are completely wrapped up in it. I like feeling close to him again and I love that praise is where I find myself closest. Right now I'm not feeling excited or hopeful, nor worried and scared about the next round of IVF. I think I'm in a state of normalcy for the first time in a while and completely content to be with my husband, resting in God's hand.

The Tracks of my Tears

Back in April, my mother in law had a prayer session for me with women from church. My best friend Amy gave me two things that have become a mainstay of everyday life for me. One is the Willow Tree set of prayer partners. It's two brunette girls, holding hands in prayer. Ironically, one has longer hair and one has shorter...just like me and Amy. It sits on my nightstand and I look at it every night and every morning. It reminds me of the friend who prays for my future as I pray for hers.

The other gift she gave me hides away in the depths of my purse most days. But I know it's there. I see it when I dig for my keys. It gets caught in the zipper and shoved into the corners, but it's always there when I need it. It's a hankerchief. I've never had one before, but Amy gave it to me for this reason: it's to catch all the tears I will cry in this process...both happy AND sad. And it has done that well. I've cried over friends finding out they are pregnant while I am not. I've used it through 2 baby dedications. I've used it when I found I was going to have a baby at last! And I used it again when I found out I wouldn't stay pregnant for long. Amy has even held it as she's cried through her hurts these past few weeks. It has been in my hand through all the love and heartache. So when Joe told me I needed to wash it and people tried to throw it away as a dirty tissue this past week, I had a hard time letting go of it. It holds all my tears. It reminds me that God is catching every single tear I cry and holding it in his hand. How can throw away or wash away that reminder?

But then I started thinking about an activity we did with the campers at Kadesh one year. They had these sheets that were all marked up with the pain and fear they had about themselves. They wore them all week. The last morning, we took them out to a field of crosses and their sheets were all gleaming white, nailed to a cross. It was a great visual of God taking away the pain, the fear, the heartaches. It occured to me I could do that with this hankerchief. It could be a release and way to let go of what's happened these past few months. So I gently hand washed my hanky and smiled as I looked at it's new appearance. Those tears I've shed are no longer there.

ode to Tanya

With all of my treatments, I have had so much to tell you about that single aspect of my life and have left out so much of what else goes on! I thought it was about time I paid tribute to a little lady who has been waiting there in the wings for me every moment of the past 9 months.
TANYA WILSON!!!
Tanya and I have been friends for several years now, as our husbands were roommates when we were dating them. In fact, I saw Tanya's engagement ring on the day Jake bought it. I joke with Tanya about being my back-up best friend, but she really has been working hard to fill that roll. From sitting with me in the bathroom while I cried one Sunday back in January to letting me ditch my plans with her multiple time last week, she never complains and always shows up when I need her. Tanya was with me the night before my pregnancy test. Tanya was with me while I was hooked up to IVs when I got dehydrated. Tanya was there when I got the call that I may lose the baby. And Tanya was ready to run away with us later that week, but was even more ready to let me cancel mere minutes before we were to leave.
For those of you who don't know Tanya, there is something more you should know. She has so much on her plate, so much to whine about and so much to be down about, but she always makes time for her friends. She always can put someone else before herself and I admire that so much about her. She is only 23 and has had to parent her parents for way too long. Now she carries a full work schedule on top of a full school schedule containing multiple art courses (which take at least 5 times as much time as other course studies.)
She is an amazing girl, and while she feels she can never catch up or compete to be my BFF, she is so dear to me and always will be. We are in such different places in life that I know we may never be tied at the hip, but I love the effort she puts into me and aspire to do the same for her.
Love you Tanya!!!

hi ho! hi ho! its off to the doctor we go!

We went for our followup to failed fresh cycle appointment today. Wow. That was a mouthful! Dr. Kevin went through our chart with us and told us repeatedly how great we did. He said I produced great eggs. He said usually not all of them are good quality, but ALL of mine were mature and good. Then Joe didn't have to have surgery (YAY!!!) Usually 60% of eggs are successfully fertilized. ALL of ours were successful. He said that is very unusual. Then to add to the unusualness...they all grew! He said that again, only 60% usually mature. While not all of ours did good enough to freeze, he said we got so many! He said our 2 that we implanted were pretty good quality but we have even better ones frozen. (Why didn't they implant those? Well, they got to grow a few more days, so they got better over those days.) He explained that my pregnancy was biochemical, which I thought meant the baby never fully attached. He said it DID attach and started growing, but then stopped. For reasons we may never know. He said it was nothing I did or took that caused it, probably a problem in the embryo itself. Hmmmm. One of those things I'll have to ask God about later.

So Dr. Kevin is very optimistic about this round. It's cheaper, it's faster, and it's easier on my body. WHOO HOO!!!! So all the paperwork is done. All the money is paid. We are scheduled to start!!! Yay!!!!

Now the predicament I'm in. I LOVE BLOGGING ABOUT THIS!!!! But I don't want to publicly miscarry again. I don't want to go through the possible downs with everyone I know. I want so much to tell you everything, but I know there's a reason people don't tell everyone they are pregnant for several weeks. What do I do? Can I really keep my mouth shut about everything? (of course I can't!) I'm going to attempt to just keep this between our families and close friends, but I know i will cave here and there. All this to say, I want you to pray with us. I want you jump up and down screaming when I have babies in my tummy that are actually growing! so please email me. call me. Check in on me. But don't look for big news here. At least not for a while. I will email those of you who comment often and I know need an update. And I will self blog on WORD and save highlights for when I'm done and telling everyone! Deal?

So look for something other than embryos on my blog the next few weeks/months. What else is ther to talk about???

And we wait...

Since last Wedesday I have been back to the doctor twice, on the phone with them 4 times, and scheduled for at least 2 more appointments in the next 7 days! Whew! We decided to start our frozen transfer process as soon as possible. Which is now! I have been on my birth control pills since Sunday and they are taking blood to make sure my hcg levels are dropping back to zero. I am having a consult with the doctor on Thursday to get our timeline and costs nailed down. I am really excited!!! I feel good about this one!!!
This weekend was a little tough for several reasons. Amy found out her hcg level is also very low and so now we wait to find out the fate of her little one. Right now we are waiting on her test results...Due to that new revelation, we spent the weekend in granbury with her and Brian, just trying to help them take their minds off of things. Sunday was hard for a couple of reasons. #1. I bled out what was once my baby. It wasn't tramatic, but just surreal that it was actually the beginning of a little life. It made me sad, but also amazed at God's work. Then we went to church and there was a baby dedication. Awesome. Amy held my hand and cried, but I actually fought through without crying. Whoohoo!
Monday I went to take pregnancy test number 4. It was positive. Still. my hcg number is at 9, so we are waiting to get back to zero. Moving slowly. Another blood test next Monday, and a meeting with the doc on Thursday. Hopefully we will have two more embryos trying to become babies soon! Keep praying for us!

2 parter

I wrote a blog the other day detailing the glorious news that we were pregnant. I never posted it. I've debated whether I should or not, but it was such an amazing day, I feel like I need to. Before I do that tho, I wanted to tell you all about what has happened since. How we went from pregnant and telling the world to crushed, crying and curled up in bed.
Monday
I went in for my 2nd blood test at 7:30. Yes, it was Labor Day, but I wanted to hear what was going on in my body and have an idea of how many little babies there were. At 1pm 9 people came to our house for Labor Day cookout! We laughed and prepared and were all geared up for some burgers, when my phone rang. I took it in my bedroom, eager to hear the news and was told my numbers dropped from 37 to 27. I asked what that meant. The nurse said I may have a biochemical pregnancy. What's that? The embryo is still inside me, but it can't survive because it isn't attached. Do I need to be worried? Come in and do another test on Wednesday. Okay. I ran outside to tell Joe, who was grilling with Jake. I think I said something like, "I may not be pregnant." I ran to the gazebo and called my Mom. She prayed with me. Momma T came out to me. I told her everything. She prayed with me. I came in, we prayed over the food and everyone started eating. I was holding it together. But two bites into my hotdog, my Dad called. I took the phone into the bathroom, sat on the floor, and fell apart. Joe came in and sat with me. I called Amy and broke the news to her. She cried with me (while sitting in Disney World). For the next several hours Joe and I laid on our bed, crying and thinking (maybe too much thinking.) We called and talked to the nurse again. She said it wasn't normal, but my levels were very low to start with. (Would have been nice to know that 2 days earlier...)So Momma T got our house cleaned up and all our guests left after being abandoned by their sad sack hosts. That night we decided we couldn't face work the next day, so we made arrangements for that. We stayed up late eating frosties and fries and watching funny movies.
Tuesday
I slept in and spent the morning on the couch with Joe in my pjs. At noon we went out for pizza and went to the movies. The sweet ladies of Hannah Group (our infertility support group) offered to have a special prayer time for Joe and I. So Tuesday night we went and were prayed for for over an hour by the wonderful women there. It really made us feel better. Loved. A lady I met that night asked me what God had been saying to me in the past 2 days. At the time I didn't know what to say. We told her about how we've learned to trust the plan, even though we don't know what the plan is and how we've been remarkably at peace through out the past few weeks. But then it occurred to me that something did pop into my mind on Monday afternoon. It sounds so strange, but it was the song "Sing and Be Happy." How can I do that right now? But it really spoke to me. Oft we fail to see the rainbow up in Heaven's fair skies. When it seems the fortunes of Earth frown and pass us by...if we hope and trust him each day, we shall have pleasures untold. Sing and you'll be happy TODAY. Press along to the goal. Trust in Him who leadeth the way. He is keeping your soul. Let the world know where you belong. look to Jesus and Pray. Lift your voice and praise him in song. Sing and be happy TODAY. Cool.
Wednesday
We both went back to work, knowing in our hearts the news would be bad. Joe and I texted all day about how we were worried, but feeling okay about things. At 2:30 I called the doctor's office (after my last class) and heard my numbers were at 29, and now classified a biochemical pregnancy. Stop my meds. Come back on Monday to make sure my levels are back at zero. So what now? I can meet my doctor next Thursday (the 11th) and start as soon as I get my next period on a frozen transfer! WAHOO!!! I called Joe, Mom and Dad, and Amy to tell them the news. While we are so sad that we were no longer pregnant, we get to do it again! We have money for it! We have embryos for it! So after no tears, I came home to my Joey and we decided to celebrate the fact that we were pregnant for 4 whole days. Celebrate that we came so close. Celebrate that we have a future with babies in it that is just around the corner! We bought eachother presents at Target, and went for Margaritas and Guacamole Live at On the Border. We laughed and smiled and fell farther in love with eachother and the journey we are travelling together. We sang and were happy TODAY.
So we're good. We're ready to try again. We are blessed in so many ways and we know that God will not let us linger here for long. He is a faithful God and wants us to have a hope and future. And we know that THAT is in the plan!
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Blog I wrote on Sunday about Saturday...
Friday night I was so nervous. I cried with Joe. I cried with my Dad on the phone and I fought crying when Tanya came over. What if??? That question was bearing down and I knew all I could do was wait and pray.
As you remember, we were supposed to go to Orlando with our best friends, Amy and Brian this week. They were leaving, as originally planned, Saturday morning. And we were on tap to take them to the airport. You may also remember, that Amy is also struggling with infertility and has walked through every step right along side me. When they arrived at our house Saturday morning, they stood in front of Joe and I with shocking news. "Well....we're pregnant!" Joe and I had absolutely no response. We just stared at them, standing there smiling, beaming with happiness. WHAT!?!?! How did this happen?? We took them to the airport and Amy and I chatted in the backseat. She told me she had taken 2 pregnancy tests and they both had faint second lines. Her doctor told her that she's never seen a false positive, so she must be expecting! Suddenly I felt a wave of excitement. Unbeknonst to anyone, I had also taken 2 tests. One Thursday and one Friday, against Joe's better judgement. They also had faint second lines. I confided in Amy that I had taken one too and she was more certain than ever that I too was pregnant.
We dropped the Tindells off and Joe told me how nervous he was feeling. That the news that our friends were expecting was multiplying the pressure for us now. True. I told him I had taken a test and it was positive, to which he said, "and you still freaked out? why didn't that make you feel better?" I have no idea.
We went and had blood drawn at 8:45 am. Meredith told us she would keep her eye on the lab and call us as fast a possible with the verdict. I asked her how long that would be (hopefully not until the afternoon!!!) She said 35min-an hour. Okay. We left and grabbed breakfast and came home to nervously wait. After about 2 hours, my parents started to call to make sure things were okay and we were getting restless. Finally we put in THE SWORD IN THE STONE and started a game of Battleship. Tommie called and Joe was barely beginning to speak to her when the phone rang. It had been over 3 hours, just after 12:00. I answered and Meredith told me not to kill her, that it had taken so long. But that I could breathe easy because I'm pregnant. "Yay!!!" was my response. I nodded at Joe, still on the phone with his mom, and tears started streaming down his sweet face. Of course that triggered mine and we sat and hugged as I talked more with Meredith and made my next appointment.
As soon as I hung up we hugged and cried and laughed. Seconds later the phone rang. Amy. "What's the news? How come I haven't heard from you? We just landed and I don't have message. Is it yes or no?" "We just got off the phone 30 seconds ago." "Is it a yes?" "Yes. We're pregnant!!" More crying from both ends of the phone. We got off the phone quickly so I could start calling family and Joe and spent the next several hours calling, texting, emailing and blogging the news. Every once in a while we had to take a break to hug and cry again with eachother. Joe had been saving a song to play for me that Babyface wrote for his wife when she was pregnant. He played it and fought through the tears trying to sing it to me as we danced and cried in the living room.
As miserable as I have been in the past 8 months, I find it incredible how in one swoop, I am magically happy again. I have been hugged and hugged and cried with over and over in the past 36 hours and LOVE that my excitement is being shared by so many. Thank you for following my story so far. I am loving sharing it with you all. And have no fear, there is much more to come. One chapter is closing, but a much more exciting one is beginning. Praise God for that!

Houston, we have a problem

We lost the baby today. My levels were apparently too low to begin with and have dropped since Saturday. It was a bio-chemical pregnancy, meaning the embryos was never fully attached to me. We are very, VERY sad, but taking it well for the time being. We were getting prepared for the bad news since Monday. We can start round two pretty immediately and it will be much easier than round one. We have 4 embryos waiting for their chance. I will let you know what the plan is from here after we meet with the doctor next Thursday. I told you the other day that a new adventure was starting now. Not the one I anticipated, but still a new one. Keep praying for us. We are getting on the roller coaster all over again.

Baby's first picture

Thought you might want to see the first pictures we have. Now, most of you mommys won't have this early of a picture since you didn't know you were pregnant when they looked like this! So I have one up on you! The pre-ultrasound pic! These are the 2 embryos they put in me. One of these is our baby! Or maybe both of these are our babies?!?!? We shall see!!!

and the survey says.....

I'm a

I'm due in early May (not april 25 like in the poster). No idea when we will know if there is more than one. More news to come when we know that!

PRAISE GOD I'M A MOMMY!!!!!!!

big day tomorrow!

I am SO NERVOUS!!!! Joe says I tend to wait til the last minute to freak out about things. Well, this would be it, I guess. At 9 tomorrow we will find out if there is a baby in my belly. I have been so positive through the process, but now I am letting fear creep in. I'm trying really hard not to, but it's scary to think what may come out of the doctor's mouth!?!?! Pray for us tonight AND tomorrow and please think of us at 9am. We will be waiting to get results after my test, but I'm hoping we will be able to just wait there at the office and get the news fast. Look for a post from me tomorrow either way.
Deep breaths...deep breaths...

quick!!

MY PANTS FIT TODAY!!!! HOORAY!!!! I put on some pants and they actually button and STAY buttoned! After 11 days of being a ballooned whale, I am getting close to my actual size again! Hooray!!!!Hopefully I will being getting small, just to balloon back up with babies!

Amy posted a funny pic on her blog of me I wanted to post here. This is me on Friday getting my IV after being dehydrated. I had blood taken twice (thus the elbow pads) and the first nurse couldn't get into my vein on my left hand, so we did the right one also. Thus I have 6 holes in me and patches on all elbows and hands. Whew!

You can see my big tummy (tho I hid it well by this time and my pregnant pal Mel in the other chair. God bless you Amy, Tanya and Melanie! What would I do without my girls!?!?

4 more days!!!

Saturday at 9am I will be in the doctor's office for my blood test! I'm getting really anxious to know!!! How am I going to feel when they tell me? If it's "No" am I going to be crushed? If, I mean WHEN, it's "YES", am I going to cry? Be surprised? Start laughing? I have no idea!?!?
I've been back to school for 2 days now and have done pretty well. Yes, I am still very tired. Yes, I have to pee ALL THE TIME (thanks Gatorade!). But my nausea has gotten much more under control and my husband was actually able to touch me without me wincing last night! Poor Joe hasn't been able to touch me at all, except for rubbing my aching back for quite a while now. And with my big ol' swollen belly, he can't even lay close to me without inciting pain. I'm finally starting to lose some of that fluid now and it's making me much more comfortable. Although, hardly any of my clothes fit. Every night I have to try on multiple outfits in attempt to find something that doesn't make me appear pregnant. (Not an easy feat.) None of my pants button and even my stretchy clothes just accentuate the big tumtum. Hopefully on Saturday it won't matter a lick anymore because being pregnant will be my excuse! Hooray!!!

Day56

Man, yesterday was a doozy. Amy, Mel and Tanya drew the short stick and ended up with me at the doctor for about 3 hours. After throwing up the nothing I had eaten in the past few days and feeling like Violet when she turns into a blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I finally called the doctor. They had me come in to see what they could do to help my nausea and bloat pains. They did another sonogram and said my ovaries are still pretty huge. I actually could see them on the screen all squished together. The took some blood and found that I am severely dehydrated. So, I was then put on an IV for about an hour and a half. (fun times, eh girls?!?!) After that, they took blood again and gave me 2 perscriptions: one for nausea and one that's a mix of tylenol and codine to help me sleep. By the time I left the office, I had 6 new needle holes in me and 3 friends who had spent their whole afternoon sitting in the preop room with me. We came home and I threw up again. Joe went and got my meds and I just laid down to wallow in my misery. But after I took my medicine I felt SO GOOD! I actually ate last night for the first time really in about 4 days and drank a 32oz gatorade in under 45 minutes! Go Rachel! At 9 I was getting tired(a side effect of my nausea meds), so I took my tylenol/codine and went to bed. CRASH! I slept a solid 11 hours before I woke up. Awesome! I feel good this morning and am trying to eat a little more than yesterday so I can get my strength back. Dr. Nackley called to check on me and I told her I was feeling much much much better! Then shortly after that, the embryologist called and said we have 4 embryos to freeze! Hooray!!! 4/5 ain't bad!!! So we have at least enough to do 2 more rounds should we want to. Things are good. Keep praying that I will feel better since I am starting school on Monday especially, and we will have news a week from today on if there's a baby or babies!

Day54

Implanting went well. We had 2 very high quality embryos and the doctor said she is VERY optimistic. Things look very good! On the down side, I have been pretty sick and tired this week. Last night I threw up and didn't sleep much. I haven't been eating much since I am SO bloated and naseaus. I think I am on the mend, but I need a few more days of rest to be up and around. Pray that I feel better soon and get my appetite back!
Countdown to pregnancy test: 9 days!

Day52

Good news...GOOD NEWS!!!! We waited all day to hear from the lab, and no phone calls were a'comin'! So at 3pm I was getting ancy and looked at my paperwork where it stated the embryos are ASSESSED on day three (today), but nothing about being notified. However, there WAS a note about calling the lab direct for updates. So that's what I did. They knew who I was when I called, without identifying myself. (how crazy cool is that?!?) The lab tech said that on day three they like the embryos to have at least 6 cells. One of our embryos has 5 cells (a little subpar), but the other nine have EIGHT CELLS!!!! That's so exciting!!! The lab tech said that something catostrophic would have to happen to not have SEVERAL excellent embryos on Thursday! Every day the news is better and better!!!

Side note: Meredith said nothing but gatorade until Thursday. I am about to DIE! I hate gatorade!!!! Is there any flavor that doesn't taste like funky koolaid? Any suggestions on other drinks with electrolytes?

This is my worst nightmare!!!! Yeck!

Pictures from "Conception Day"

Meredith the elusive IVF coordinator who had no name for so long. LOVE her!

Not Dr. Nackley. Not Dr. Doody. In fact, can't remember her name, but this is who did my egg retrieval.

Joe kissing me before I go into surgery.

Me with my IV in and waiting for the go ahead to go to the OR.Boy, was I groggy! I was shaking and tired and bleary eyed. And that was my last beverage that is non-gatorade for the week. Meredith says only gatorade until Thursday.

Day50

Wow...fifty days since I started my birth control pills? Crazy!
We got the call today that 13 of the 14 eggs were injected with little swimmers. 10 fertilized! TEN!!!! I was expecting maybe 7. MAYBE!?!?! This is huge news! Several will not grow well, but we should have about half at embryo transfer. This means that we will have more than enough and probably a couple of good ones left to freeze (which is a rarity in and of itself.) God is continually blessing us with more than we have asked, which is scary since we've asked for twins also. :) Continue to pray for us and our little embryos that they grow and those cells multiply perfectly. My appt. is at 11:15 on Thursday for embryo transfer, so I should be home by 1 or 2pm if you want to come say hello! I'm back to work the next 2 days, which will hopefully make this week go faster. Can't wait to see what news is next!

day49

This morning I went in for my egg retrieval at 8am. Mom, Momma T, Amy and Joe were with me and we were laughing it up in the waiting room...making quite a ruckus!

Again, we were taking pictures and making the nurses laugh. Momma T took several pics with my doctor and nurses, so I'll post those when I get them from her.

This morning when I was getting ready to leave the house, Joe was looking at my tummy and said," you look like you're already pregnant!" My abdomen was SO SWOLLEN! It looked like I was about 4 months! Later on today my nurse, Meredith, said that my ovaries were each the size of a grapefruit! (Normally they are almond sized.) She said they were so big they were smooshing into eachother. No wonder I have to pee all the time!

All 4 of my guests were able to be in pre-op with me, meet my anesthesiologist, doctor and nurse. It was wierd to be knocked out. I've never had an IV or anything but local anesthsia, so when my head started spinning, it was kinda strange. I fell asleep very easily and woke up in the recovery room. Joe said the procedure took about an hour and I was in recovery for 45 minutes or so.

They found 14 eggs and miraculously found even more sperm from Joe again today! The embryologist said they have enough to fertilize EVERY egg!!! I am so excited! They said I had very mature eggs and they will call me tomorrow with the news of how many embryos we have. Then I will hear again Tuesday how they are progressing, and have them transferred Thursday probably. Things look VERY promising and we are 100% confident that God has chosen this time to bless us with a baby, or maybe babies!!!

Last night I was thinking about how God has orchestrated this time for us. If Joe hadn't been told he needed TESE, we wouldve started this in April. If he hadn't melted down from that, we would have started in June. If we hadn't had to see a specialist to perform TESE, we wouldve started in July. But God knew we wouldn't need TESE, just that it was the means he could use to place us in his time. Awesome. It's gonna happen, yall! We're gonna have a baby!!!

Keep praying for us!

Day48

JOE DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY!!!! They found good, motile sperm in his sample this morning and cancelled the TESE! Hooray!!!! Tomorrow they will have him give again and see if we can get even more. I cannot tell you what a relief this is and how big I have been smiling for the past 2 hours! This was the hard part, the part that could go wrong, and we are totally convinced that God has planned this all out, let us go thru all the diappointments to lead us to these last few weeks where absolutely EVERYTHING has gone perfectly. My 30% chance just jumped to 75%. Yay!!!!!
***Long story...
They took me back at 7:15 to draw blood to test my hcg level (needs to be over 60, mine was 250). When I got back to the waiting room, mom was alone! Where is Joe? They took him to his room to do his....stuff. Well, he was gone for like 30 minutes. No sign of him. The girl doing pre-op is looking for him. No idea where he is. Did he run away? No. They took him to change and get prepped while they analyzed the sperm he gave. (so if they didn't find what we need, we'd go ahead with surgery.) The nurse came to get me shortly after Joe's mom arrived and took me back to the pre-op room. At this point I am thinking, "oh crap. it didn't work and we're headed into surgery." Joe's mom sent her camera back with a nurse to take our picture. She thought that was so funny. "I have never had a patient bring a camera into pre-op!" Joe is in his gown and cap, little blanket on his legs. He's just sitting there waiting. They checked his vitals and gave him some antinausea medicine and told us we were waiting on the lab tech to give us the verdict. She came in, said they found good, motile sperm and we were waiting on the surgeon to arrive and officially cancel. While we waited, Joe was cracking jokes and making all the nurses laugh. We signed our forms and sat. A few minutes later the lab tech came back and said, "we're cancelled!" We spoke with my doctor and asked lots of questions, but basically, we will use what he gave today to fertilize the eggs they take from me tomorrow. The leftover eggs can be frozen and used at a later date to make more baby Varneys. We walked into the waiting room to find our moms with the news we were headed home! GREAT DAY from a GREAT GOD!!!

Day 47 (day 24)

Well, we are a go for tomorrow! My last shot is tonight at 9pm (less than an hour from now!!!) Tomorrow at 8, stop and say a prayer for Joe. They are going to let him give a sperm sample in the morning and we are hoping that it contains what we need. If so, NO SURGERY! Pray hard for that! What a blessing that would be!!! My egg retreival will be Saturday at 9am and they are expecting me to get LOTS of eggs. My doctor measured 15 today and said there were plenty more besides. I will let you know what happens tomorrow!

Day47 (day 23)

Well, we are delayed AGAIN. Only by a day, but still...adds on to the waiting. Joe's procedure will be Friday at 6:30am, so stop and say a prayer for us when you wake up! (and remember...we're going for GOLD!) My egg retreival will now be on Saturday morning. I spoke to my doctor and Joe's doctor in person this morning and we are confirmed with both (unless something is screwy with my bloodwork today). I will keep you all posted!

day46 (day 22)

Today I went back to the doctor for E2 blood test and sonogram #6. Whew! On the way to the office I was wondering why they wanted me back today instead of tomorrow like they had originally said. Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing? Remembering that Joe and I agreed that there will be no negative thoughts from here on out, I decided it was good. I got to the doctor's office 30 minutes early and went straight in to get blood drawn. They took me to my room, told me to get ready for my sonogram, all the same stuff I've heard every other day for the past 10 days. Got ready. Got on the table and waited. and waited. and waited. Finally about 20 minutes later a nurse came in and told me Dr. Nackley wanted to do the sono herself, so we were waiting on her to get out of surgery. Uh oh. Why does the doctor want to do my sono? Nurses are always the ones who do them. Something must be wrong. Throughout my 30 minutes of alone time in that room, music kept popping up in my head.

First up...I Need Thee Every Hour, most gracious Lord; no tender voice like thine can peace afford. I need thee, O I need thee; every hour I need thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

Next...I've got confindence, my Lord is gonna see me through. No matter what the case may be. My Lord is gonna fix it for me.

I prayed and sang in my head over and over "no matter what the case may be, please Lord, fix it for me!" Then all of a sudden actual music came on in the room. I've only heard the radio in one of the exam rooms once and that was yesterday. Well, it just popped on all of a sudden, midway through a song in my own head. "Your body Is a wonderland Your body is a wonder..." Really, John Mayer? My body doesn't feel like a wonder right now?!!? But then I started thinking about how despite the fact our bodies aren't working the way WE want them to, they are working exactly as God planned. And during this strange moment I stopped again to thank God for making me and Joe in his image and shaping us exactly as he did. And I asked him, begged him really, to allow our plan and the doctor's plan to be the same as his.

Then another song..."I’ve been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that

Magic rainbow

On the horizon I couldn’t see it

Until I let go

Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn

Now I’m coming alive

Body and soul

And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished

Into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I’m rising from the ashes

Finding my wings

And all that I needed

Was there all along

Within my reach

As close as the beat of my heart and

I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever

Ready to run I’m keeping my feet on the ground

Arms open wide

Face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life "

Is this the time of my life, David Cook? I know you are singing about winning American Idol, but this IS a key time in my life. One of the biggest moments in my life. I thanked God again for giving me a moment to be right there in the present and right there in his presence for it. I AM "waiting for my dreams to turn into something I could believe in And looking for that Magic rainbow on the horizon I couldn’t see it unitl I let go." Amazing.

The door opened and Dr. Nackley came in. Right off she said, "Rachel, your body sure does know how to respond to medicine!" What??? Is that good? She showed me my chart and said I am progressing perfectly. Everything couldn't go any better than it is. She measured my follicles (one egg per follicle, mind you) and I have about 16 or 17 large ones measuring 13-17mm. She said they need those last couple to get over 14mm and I'll be ready. So they are calling in Joe's doctor for his procedure Thursday and my egg retreival will be Friday. I go in tomorrow for one last E2 and sono before the big day! My E2 levels have jumped again (to 6773) since yesterday, so I am only taking one tiny shot tonight and will be in the home stretch. Look how many I've gone through!I am so thankful that God has made this so easy the past few weeks and even more thankful to have a husband willing to go through so much to have a baby with me.

Now on a comic note...when I texted Tanya with the news today, we had a funny little conversation. Here's our back and forth:

R:Doc says I could not be doing more perfect on my meds. Egg retrieval friday.
T:Yay! I was thinking that Joe needs to watch the swimming olympics to get motivation for the Varney Olympics.

R:That's going on the blog!

T:Go for the Gold! ha ha!

So we are going for the Gold. Hope Joe has some little Michael Phelps in there!

3 posts in one day?

Yeah. I know. Doesn't Rachel have anything better to do? NOPE! My new camera just got here and I am playing with it. SO excited that I can show you what I've been working on now! Here are a few snaps of my furniture so far....

update

Dr's office called. My E2s are over 3700 so they want me back tomorrow and have halved my Menopur dose tonight and nixed the Follistim. Guess that means I may be ready sooner than Friday! Pray that they give me the go ahead tomorrow!

day 45 (day20)

Doctor appt at 7:30am again! This morning they told me several good things.
1. My blood circulation is "excellent" it my uterus. Apparently about half of women doing IVF don't have blood flow register on their sono. Mine was bright blue and red all over and the nurse said that was "excellent and very important for implanting."
2. My uteran lining is very thick. The nurse said they look for a thickness around 8 and mine was almost 11. She said that is really good because the thickness is what makes the eggs attach. The thicker, the stickier and more likely to grab onto that egg.
3. My follicles are growing steadily. On Saturday I had some around 10, if you will recall. Today I had several more and most were around 13 or 14. In fact, the nurse said I have probably 15-20 on each ovary. Which means LOTS of eggs are heading my way! She said my dosage of follistim and menopur is pretty low so I don't hyperovulate and make way to many eggs. So...best guess is that egg retreival will be on Friday, August 15th and implanting on Wednesday, August 20th. So for those of you planning to come see me on bedrest, I'll be laid out on Friday the 15th and Wednesday-Saturday the 20th-23rd. Anyone who wants to come sit with me and Mom and watch movies, feel free to stop by!
I will let you guys know when I have a confirmed date so you can pray for us at the moment we are undergoing procedures. There is a possibility it'll be bumped one more day, but hopefully we will be a go for Friday! Keep praying!

day 43 (day18)

Just a quick update...
Went to the doctor again today. On Thursday the E2 level was at 437 and I had no follicles that were big enough to measure yet. BUT...they said my E2 level was "very exciting" and looked promising. So much so that they backed off my dosage a little bit of follitism. (hooray!!!) Today I had several follicles big enough to measure, although the nurse thought none were even at 10 yet. But she was wrong! :) I had 3 that were over 10 already, one that was just shy of 10 and then another in 7 somewhere. Now, we gotta get to 18 before egg retrieval, so she said it may be past Monday before we are ready to trigger. She said her guess is I'll need another day or two. THEN...I heard back about my E2 levels and it is at 1476!!!! That's more than 3 times what it was two days ago! That gives me hope that I may be ready for a trigger shot on Monday after all! So pray hard for us that my follicles are building up hard these next 2 days and that Monday we will be ready to roll! If that is the case, Joe will have his procedure on Tuesday and I will have egg retrieval Wednesday. If I need another day or two...so be it. But we should have some little Varney embryos by Friday. Exciting!

Smile Award

The Smile Award
Ashley gave me this smile award today and I want to thank her for it here. Ashley and I don't know eachother well...or really at all, except by word of mouth. I've spoken to her only a handful of times and only a few words on those rare times. Ashley grew up with Joe and we have many mutual friends as well as a mutual affliction...inability to concieve naturally. She is already enjoying the fruits of her labor...2 cutie pie little boys. I am hoping to join her in multiples motherhood soon. So thanks Ash, for the shout out for smiling!

My duty now is to grant this award to 5 blogger friends...

These are the rules:

1. The recipient must link back to the awards creator the babblings of mere

2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.

3. You must chose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself

4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award, as posted by Mere.

5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.

6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.

7. You must thank your giver.

Characteristics for the Smile Award:

1. Must display a cheerful attitude. (not necessarily at all times--we are all human)

2. Must love one another

3. Must make mistakes

4. Must learn from others

5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world

6. Must love life

7. Must love kids

And here are my 5!!!

1. Taylor (http://tstapes.blogspot.com): Taylor is the most inspiring person I have come across in infertility. She has had such a struggle to concieve and then lost her sweet boy earlier this summer to Trisomy13. She is so godly and has the sweetest, kindest heart. She has smiled through the tears for months now and has caused many of us to smile through our tears for her as well. Carry on, Taylor! Your day is coming!

2. Tanya (http://thewilsons06.blogspot.com): Tanya said something about me smiling in her first post. It made me laugh immediately! Tanya has been my backup BFF for over a year now and she has really come through this summer. Although she was gone for 6 weeks to Japan, she has been here for me so much since she came back. Her artistic ability is reason enough to smile, but her perserverance through some VERY hard family stuff and her willingness to come when I call is what makes her deserve a smile award. Smile on, Nikitenko!

3. Becky (http://forever25-becky.blogspot.com): Becky and I were instant friends several years ago. We backpacked Europe together for a month and made memories that will last my whole life. Since then, we've both bought homes, taught hundreds of children, and found our sweet husbands. Becky is also trying to have a baby right now and is smiling about so much...great husband and home, so many wonderful travels and experiences behind and ahead of her. I love hearing what she has going on!

4. Summer (http://best-family.blogspot.com): Summer and I were friends in college and she is the mother of 4 boys. Yeah...4!!! She had her first when we were seniors. Summer is one of those amazing people who can do anything and everything. She is an amazing teacher, has the sweetest voice and spirit and LOVES those kiddos. The few times I've been able to see her since graduation..she is always smiling and happy and I know she is thankful everyday for what God has given her.

5. Carrie (http://thetungates.blogspot.com): Carrie is my best friend from high school. She also went through infertility and now has 3 little angels now. She is one of those friends that I will always have in my life. It doesn't matter how long we've been apart, we always reconnect and I always want to see her when I'm home. Right now she is a stay at home mom and sacrifices so much to take care of her kiddos. I know she's tired and busy, especially with little Branson, but she is so thankful for those kids. Keep smiling, Steve!

Day 41( Day 16)

Well...it's confirmed. I have STREP THROAT! Again!?!?!?! As some of you will recall, I caught strep at the end of school last semester and was really sick when I went to visit Jeremy, Brent and Jamie. Luckily, I caught this one really early and had an IVF appointment this morning anyways. I asked if it was going to really screw everything up if I had Strep. She said it's no big deal and won't interfere with my shots at all. Just have to tell the clinic doc that I am trying to get pregnant and make sure my prescription is okay for pregnancy. So I went to CVS Minute Clinic (thanks for the suggestion, Summer!) and got my throat culture and medicine for $55! Not bad at all! In fact, probably my cheapest bout with Strep to date! I don't feel bad yet, so hopefully I will nip this in the bud before egg retreival. Speaking of...my follicles are growing and my blood circulation is really good in my uterus. (yay me?) The follicles aren't big enough to measure yet and she said not to be upset if I'm not ready Monday for my trigger shot yet. It's normal to be on the 3 shot rounds for 10-12 days, most people do 11 or 12. I'm hoping for 10 so I'll be done AND I don't have to order more expensive medicines. So...that's all I got right now. Oh! Yesterday I had 3 super helpers come and get my classroom set up! Thanks to Tracy Spear, Tanya and Momma T for helping me check one more thing off the list before school starts. I'm so glad to not have that to worry about!

day 39 (day 14)

Things are falling into place now. I've told several of you in recent days how good and positive I feel about the process now. When I look back at the past few months, there have been SO many times that things were wrong. The power went out at the clinic on our appointment day, went to get my HSG and they told me I couldn't, delays...delays...delays, where do we find all this money, "you have only a 30% chance with invitro." It goes on and on. In fact, at one point I told Amy I wasn't sure we were supposed to do this. I felt like God was telling us NO NO NO NO NO over and over and we were just pushing through.
But now I feel completely different. Is it the time I chose? No. But as I've been told time and again, it's God's timing, not Rachel's. In the past weeks since I started my medicine, things have lined up so perfectly. Every bit of money has found it's way to us. In May we found out our mortgage payments were dropping by a few hundred dollars a month, which has allowed us to pay on our loan with no change to our monthly budget. (Couldn't see that coming if we had started in April, as we originally were.) We get bills from urology and specialists here and there that are always upwards of $1000. EVERY TIME we have recieved the same amount of money back from somewhere else...a bonus at work, a reimbursment for overpaying property taxes 2 years ago, etc. It's happened at least 4 times since January, including one last week. You can't tell me that's not God! The timeline is not what I wanted, but actually couldn't be more perfect. I'm not going to have to miss any of the start of school (just inservice), and my due date will be late enough to take the last 6 weeks of school off (even if I have multiples and am due a little earlier). Add that in with having a Christian doctor working with us, and the ease of my injections, and literally no problems in my 2 weeks of shots...I just can't believe it's all coincidence! How can things have changed so drastically from everything wrong and "are you telling us No?" to everything is right and "how did you do all this so perfectly?"
Is there a chance we will not be pregnant in 3 weeks? Yes. But I don't believe that will be the case. While I am trying to keep in my mind that it IS a possibility, I am fully anticipating the big news that there is a life growing inside me that's a little bit Joe and a little bit Rachel. So for right now, life is great!

Day36 (Day11)

Everything yesterday was good with my Estradiol Level Blood Test. (I scored 36.7!!! Anyone know what that means? Me either...) Apparently it's good. So I started my new shots today and they were actually much easier than I anticipated. My Menopur was VERY slow going in, but nothing hurt, and it didn't take me as long as I thought it might. Got all three mixed or put together and injected in 7 minutes. Not bad for my first time!

In other news...I love my husband. I really haven't said a lot about my boy in this process. At least not for a while, but he is the greatest man and has been my rock in all this. Every night he kisses where I inject my medicine and every night he prays for our future and the baby he KNOWS is coming. Today we were working at the Wilson's all day and every small glance I shared with Joe just lit up my heart. If it's possible, I love him more now than I ever have. I love how he winks at me across crowded rooms. I love how he's more than willing to give silly grins and waves to me despite being in a room full of his buddies. And I love how he always is ready to give me a kiss, a hug and tell me he loves me. I love how he loves me. When we were driving home tonight, I looked over at him and thought...no matter what happens at the end of this month, everything will be okay, because I have this wonderful man to share my life with. There's no one else I can imagine going through all the ups and downs with. I would marry him again in a heartbeat. Thank you God, for giving me someone so wonderful to share my life with!

Day 35 (Day10)

I had my second appointment this morning at 7:30am. WHEW! That's early after two months of sleeping late! They took some blood and did another internal sonogram. The nurse said everything looks normal and my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. Then I learned how to do my next two shots. These are a bit more complicated than my Lupron. With Lupron I just fill up my vile and stick it in.



Menopur, I have to mix up the medicine and put together my syringe.
It's a few more steps than what I've been doing, but nothing I can't handle, right?

With Follitism, I have to fit everything togther inside a "pen."




So...I am 10 days down and 10 to go. I can't believe I'm already halfway through my injections! The doc's office will call today to let me know if I can indeed go forward tomorrow with my new shots. (They have to make sure my hormones are all good from the blood they took). If so, I will have 3 shots tomorrow, and only 2 on Sunday and Monday. Got lots to keep track of!

Day32(Day7)

A whole week down of shots. Wow. Time flies, eh? Hopefully, my eggs will be taken out 2 weeks from tomorrow and my babies will be created! Exciting stuff!
Tonight I went to my support group, which I'm sad to say I have not gone to the last few weeks. Tonight was very special for me. You never know when something will be said to soften your heart and that was what happened to me tonight. Carol (one of the facilitators) was talking about Tony Snow, former White House Press Secretary and FOX news anchor, who died recently of cancer. He was a faithful Catholic and we read some words he had recently spoken about his illness and, as in many other circumstances, it spoke to us as infertile women too. Here was the section I was given to read in group:
"When our faith flags, God throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things and those of us who have been on the recieving end of their petitions and intercessions know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know. Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up- to speak to Him of us!"
That puts into words exactly how I feel about all of you who have spent hours praying for us already, and continue to daily. I have a friend who sends me texts and emails when she thinks of me and stops to pray for us. It always comes right when I need it too. God is amazing in how he works. But 2 other things grabbed me tonight during group. One thing I have thought on since I left and even spoke with Joe about. Carol has said before that she believes we didn't get pregnant in earlier years because we were needed by a child in our class. (all 3 of us in the group are in education fields). I've heard her say this before, but for some reason, something clicked tonight. For the past couple of years, Amy and I have been pulling a lot of weight in children's ministry at church. If at any time I'd gotten pregnant, I'd have stopped what I was involved in, maybe even have left our congregation. But now that we have a children's minister, it's like a weight has been lifted and everything is lining up to get our family. Maybe my pregnancy timing wasn't about my school children, but the children at my church who I was serving. That makes me smile. AND it makes me optimistic that God is laying out this plan and timeline for me.
The final thing that blessed me tonight was a prayer said over me by another woman in our group. She laid hands on me and prayed a prayer so sweet it actually brought tears to my eyes. She prayed for the eggs I am growing right now and that they are perfect, right down to the DNA. She prayed for Joe's sperm and that they are strong, healthy and high in number. And that they too are perfect right down to the DNA. She prayed for my uterus and that it is being prepared to be a safe place for my babies to grow. She asked God to go before us in every step, to have things prepared and perfect in advance. And she prayed that a verse in Psalms will be fulfilled for me. That I will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within our home. And that my children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around our table.
Her heart was so earnest and sincere. And as a woman who barely knows me cried over a prayer she was offering for my chance at pregnancy, I felt that moment Tony Snow spoke of. Where the hairs stick up on your neck because someone, other than you, wants something so deeply for you, that they are begging the Creator to create something for your life. It's making me teary right now just typing this. We serve a great God and as this chapter unfolds, it's scary and filled with anxiety, but it's exciting too. Exciting that the Author of my book is writing this chapter as I walk through it.

day31 (Day6)

Mom and Dad left this morning to head to Southlake to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary! Wow! Long time, right?

Now, my friend Tanya was in the neighborhood and stopped by to see my finds from Saturday that she had yet to see. Tanya and I spent several hours Friday and Saturday looking for gems at garage sales that we can refinish/paint/mosaic for a craft sale in November. She and I have been toying with the idea for a year or so, but are just now biting the bullet and giving it a try. Now those of you that know Tanya may or may not realize what a good artist she is. She is an amazing painter and has a real love of mosaics as well. I'll admit that she is a much better artist than I am. That's why I am merely a teacher and not really a practicing artist. :) However, I DO have some craft sense and a bit more artistic ability than the average person. That combo does allow me to do some things well. For the past few years I have really enjoyed painting furniture. It began as my dining set in my college apartment (a wood table with 4 mismatched chairs all painted with black and white checks and primary colors.) That led to painting reading chairs for teachers and now I am moving on to dressers, end tables, lamps and (yes) more chairs. Here's what I found this weekend. OH! I paid a grand total of $120! Wahoo!!
a coffee table that we flipped the top upside down on. it has an indented center that is PERFECT for tiling or broken tile mosaics!

A rocking chair that is very solid will go great with the children's furniture I'm doing!
A kids' set of table and chairs. Found these a ThriftTown in Arlington for $19! Not bad!I found 2 of these. They are swivel stools and were only 5 bucks! They will make great teacher stools.

This is my FAVORITE PIECE! This cottage style dresser is so adorable and well built. I love it! You can see I am trying something there on the drawers? I am going to finish each drawer with an animal print. My future nursery is going to have a jungle theme and I am painting this to go in that room. I may try to sell it, I may keep it for me, or I may leave it to chance. At any rate, it is going to be awesome!
An endtable I also found at ThriftTown. It's in great shape and even has a drawer! Still trying to think what I want to do with this one... I got 2 of these also. I am finishing them to match a pair of lamps I'm working on. They will be dark brown, icy blue and leopard print. (the lamps are just blue and brown striped). Here's where I am on the table right now.
Last, but not least, Is the console table. It was custom painted at some point by someone, but has seen better days. Again, only 5 bucks, so now I just have to wait for inspiration to strike! Any ideas?!?!?

Day 30(Day 5)

Sorry for the delay in posts. My mom has been here and she has kept me super busy! Normally I sleep til 8 or 9, get up and leizurely eat breakfast, shower, get dressed, make the bed, etc. Maybe by noon I'm ready to do something. MAYBE...Well, this week I have been pedal to the metal! Wednesday night Mom arrived to babysit me for the weekend while Joe is gone. It's the Mayes (my mother in law's) Family reunion in Corpus and with me starting meds, I needed to stay behind. Since we didn't know if I'd have a bad reaction or not, Mom said she'd come stay with me so Joe could go to the reunion. Aww!
So since Thursday morning we have spent a day in Granbury, garage saled for 2 full mornings with Tanya, seen Mamma Mia, had lunch with Melanie, shopped in the Highlands and couple thrift shops, chopped 6 heads of lettuce, 9 tomatoes and 3 onions for church today, taught a 4th grade class, and watched 2 netflix films. Whew! I've crashed hard when we finally slow down!
I will take pics of my wonderful garage sale finds and tell you all about my plans for those tomorrow. But I DO have 2 other little things to comment on in the news the past 2 days.
1. I read about an inter-racial couple who had twins in Germany last week. The mother is black and the father is white. But get this....the twins are BIRACIAL! One is very light skinned...almost white. The other is very dark black. Isn't that wierd!?!? Apparently it has occurred 4 times in recent years and doctors say it is possible in the genetic soup created when you concieve to have kids with different skin tints. Crazy, huh? Check out the link here!http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/25/biracial-twins-born-to-in_n_115037.html
2. I know how much you must all care about Brangelina and the twins. (About as much as I do, I hope). However, interesting news has broken about their new kiddos. THEY ARE INVITRO BABIES! Now, I firmly believe all these celebs having twins recently either did invitro or did some other sort of fertility treatment, as twins are not that common and these folks are a little old to be starting families. (J Lo, Julia Roberts, etc.) But here's the infuriating part. Speculation is that Brad told Angelina he wanted biological kids before they adopt any more and after a few months and no pregnancy, Angelina became worried Brad would leave her and opted to do invitro to "knock it out." How upsetting is that? Oh, I'm famous and rich and can get pregnant super fast. If I just fork out the money, then I don't have to wait. AND it'll help me hang on to this hot other celeb who I probably will never marry and not stay with much longer anyways. Ick.

Day 27 (Day2)

So last night I had my first shot. I have to give them to myself either in the stomach, the thigh or the back of my arm. Since I can't bend that way, I have to option the thigh or the abs. Meredith said the abs hurts less since you have more skin to pinch there. So 10:30 is my injection time each night for the next 3 weeks. I went in the bathroom and got all my gear. Joe came in. I begged him to leave. He really wanted to stay in there with me. He said, "Do you think I'm never going to watch you do this?" I told him no, but that I needed to psych myself up for this first one and wanted to do it alone. "I'm your husband! You should let me be here for you!" "You're my hsuband! You should leave since I'm asking you to!" He left. I cleaned my stomach off with an alcohol swab. I cleaned the top of the vial. I measured out 20cc of Lupron into the syringe. I pinched my skin and said to myself, JUST DO IT....JUST DO IT. I stuck in in fast, pushed in the medicine and pulled it out. Honestly, I didn't even feel the needle go in. I felt it more after it was over. It was a little itchy and the little whelp was sore for 30 minutes or so. Joe kissed it and all was well with the world. I can do this. No prob! Came back in the kitchen where Mom, Tanya and Jake were all very impressed I did it so fast. Hooray! One shot down....

Day 26...or Day one...depends on how you look at it

Today we went to see the IVF coordinator. She has a name and a face at last!!! Her name is Meredith and I liked her immediately.

Backup....I called this morning to confirm our appt. for 1:00. The nurse who answered did NOT sound happy to be there. Here was our conversation:

Me: I need to confirm the time for my appt today.

Her: Name?

Me: Rachel Varney V-A-R-N-E-Y

Her:............what was your appt for?

Me:My Phase II appt for IVF

Her:........................................

Me: I think it's for one oclock

Her:...........................yep

Me: Okay. Another question. I am assuming I will learn how to do my injections today? Do I need to bring my medications?

Her: Yeah

CLICK

Okay. So I have no idea what medicine to bring (I have about 15 different types, 3 of which are refirgerated). Not wanting to do the whole call over, I just pack it all up. So I have a huge tote bag FULL of medicine when Joe comes to get me.

We met with the lab tech guy first (at 12:30, even tho our appt. wasn't until 1.). He told us exactly what to expect with each appointment and what they will do on egg retrieval week. He told Joe that they will do his sperm aspirition the day before my egg retreival and then let the sperm develop a little overnite. He said testicular sperm are non-motile, so giving them a day will make some of them "perk up." He also said if they don't, there are things they can do to get them movin'. He also strongly suggested we freeze the remaining embryos after our cycle so we can do it again without all the prep work we are doing now. Basically, I would just have to do a little medication to prepare my uterus and then they'd put a frozen baby in me. :)

Then we waited on Meredith to come back from lunch. We were with her before 1 also and she gave me my calendar and answered lots of my questions. Tonite I start my Lupron injections. YIPES! I am a little nervous about it, but I was able to practice on a little squishy ball thing on how to inject, release the meds, take the syringe back out, etc. I also had a vaginal sonogram to check out my insides. All looked good. Ovaries are looking like they are supposed to once they are suppressed and my uterus is ready for my babies! So now all we do is injections for the next 10 days. On tuesday I stop taking my birth control. Next Friday I go back to add 2, yes TWO more shots to my daily regiment. Then I go back every other day until egg retreival. Here's what my calendar looks like. Wow. I'm going to be heavily medicated!

Start praying hard EVERY SINGLE DAY for us. Hopefully there will be Varney embryos in 21 days! Which will be my day of conception! Hooray!!! Pray for good, healthy sperm!

***SIDE NOTE***

While we were waiting on Meredith, we saw an ad in the trash can for a plant place in Euless that was having a huge sale. We went and bought crepe myrtles for $9.88 each! Awesome!!

Countdown to the needle

So we are at day 25 now. That's right, I should be getting my monthly visitor on Saturday, but it won't be coming! In theory, I have stopped ovulating by now and am in a holding pattern on my medication. Tomorrow is the big day. Well....the first of many big days. Tomorrow we meet with Dr. Nackley and I will have a sonogram, some bloodwork (I assume) and will learn how to give myself shots of Lupron for the next few days. I will also be getting my IVF calendar, which tells me what days to take what medicine and which days I will be living at the doc's office. I'm not entirely sure what to expect from here, other than a baby down the line. :) I'll let you know how things go when I get home tomorrow!
And PS. I've now seen Mamma Mia twice and it is so cute! It's silly and corny, but isn't that what a great musical contains? And Batman??? Easily the best movie so far this year. It's intense and dark and Heath Ledger is all they said he would be. It's a must see!