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Saturday, October 11, 2008

okay...this one IS sad

I'm at a real low point this week. I can't seem to be happy about anything. I know you've been there...everything seems wrong...work, friends, home, everything. That's where I am right now. And the fact that I'm on hormone medication is making it worse (I think). I'm on a higher dosage than I was on cycle one and I find myself crying ALL THE TIME. Really! I've been awake for 15 minutes and already have cried.
So just a rundown of why my life is making me crazy right now....
1. School bites. The kids are so difficult this year. To the point that I am doing kindergarten lessons with second grade due to the fact that they can't listen or act like they've been in my class for 2 years already. I've had about 15 kids pee in my room and one poop. (YEP! On the floor...and he was a 1st grader!!!) Teachers are on edge with so much work and their own discipline problems. It's been a really rough start.
2. Baby stuff (of course). My friend Jamie and I were going to plan a pledge class reunion this year (10 years since we pledged GATA), but we kinda dropped the ball. Jamie sent an email finding out if anyone was still planning to go and now the replies are coming in. So many are not coming because they "just had a baby" or "are due any day now" or have stuff with their kids already on the calendar that weekend. So everytime I read one of those I cry again. How come everyone else has a family? How come everyone else is havign their first babies right now? Why not me? I also got upset at work as I found out a drug addicted set of parents (whose kids are MAJOR discipline issues at school) are preg with #6. Mom says they are stopping at 6 since the government doesn't pay after that one. How can this go on? How can I still have an empty womb when there are druggies funding their addictions with their ability to concieve?!?!? It's TERRIBLEY unfair! I'm just at the bottom of the pit again on all this baby stuff...
3. Friends. I'm starting to realize that I don't have many. Not close ones anyways. My best friend (amy) is getting close to girls in Granbury now (which we knew would happen eventually) and I am so scared of what that means for me. We never go out with anyone except the Tindells, unless we do the asking. So mostly it's just me and Joe. What's a girl to do? I felt this way when I first got married too. I had left my church and placed membership at Joe's church. I knew everyone, but no one well. Then Amy came along and we clicked right away. So...I don't know what to do from here. Maybe we kind of segregated ourselves when we got so tight with the Tindells. I just feel really alone in general.

Was this all too much? Probably. Blogs are for venting tho, right? Got some advice? Got some wise words? Leave me a comment. That's actually another thing that makes me sad. I check my blog for comments and have one person say anything. (thanks Carrie!) I'm horrible at commenting too. But comments are what lets us know someone out there cares. right?

15 comments:

mamma2 said...

I read your blog and cried. I understand how you are feeling watching ever one else get pregnant but you. It took my husband and I 4 years to finally conceive our first child. So hang in there. In God's time it will happen. I also understand about not having any friends. I sit in my house all day reading blogs, playing with my children and just waiting for my husband to come home because I have no friends and it sucks. So hang in there. I am a regular reader of your blog and will try to comment more. Good luck with this cycle. I hope you are able to get pregnant soon.

God bless you,
Sabrina

Alexis said...

Hey Rach. I check your blog every day, and while I never comment it's usually because I have absolutely no idea what to say. I can't offer you any real advice because it would be like trying to sing without a tongue. Me telling you that "everything's going to be ok," while most likely true, seems trite and not very helpful. However, having said that, I do want to share something with you. It isn't advice, just something I've experienced and observed in others. It can be a good thing to cry and feel hurt sometimes ... it makes the joyful moments all that much sweeter when they come along.

Taylor said...

I care! And I'm praying for you. Hugs!

amy said...

Rach, I'm so sad for your post. I'm so sorry you feel so low right now. Please don't lose faith that you WILL be a Mommy soon, (and a great one at that)and that so many people ADORE you (me included). Brian and I prayed for you just this morning over breakfast and you both are always on our hearts, even if you feel far away. Please don't let Satan steal your joy. You encourage me daily with your strength. I love you tons!

Jamie said...

I don't comment because I read your blog through Bloglines, which is probably the same reason you don't comment often. But I'm always thinking and praying for you. And I'm your friend, even if I'm far away! By the way, I'll be in town this weekend.

Rebecca said...

I had the same kind of week. Crying at the drop of a hat...upset about stupid things...achy...tired...the works!

Being a Star said...

Rachel, I know we aren't close friends but I am praying for you. I have a problem with leaving comments working on that...But wanted you to know that i read and pray for you all the time.

Jaime said...

I love reading comments too, but I am not the greatest at doing it myself! Elisa is really good about that and I appreciate her for it! I think about you all the time - especially since you know, I work with babies, and even though we don't talk much you are still my dear friend and I love you! I hope that I can keep in touch as I go farther away and I will be waiting and praying for the day you tell me you are expecting!!

Sheila Fairly said...

Hey there. It is very normal to feel like you do. Just remember "The one who we pray to knows our feelings. He knows our temptation and He has felt discouraged." ML
When I have times like you are going through, the only thing that seems to pull me out of the pit is to get somewhere by myself and put on my favorite praise music. I usually have to make myself do it, but when I do, the Holy Spirit has a way to minister to you and give to you what he knows you need. Satan can not stay where the Lord is being praised.
I am confident that the Lord has many good and great blessings for you!
Love, Sheila

bhomsher said...

Rachel,
I'm so sorry that you're in a valley right now. I'm glad that you are able to share your feelings with us bloggers because even though I'm far away, I'm praying for you and glad to know what's really going on. Good luck battling past those hormones that are overrunning your body and good luck with this next set of treatments. My fingers are constantly crossed for you guys.
Becky

Adam & Carrie Tungate said...

I know we've been talking about all of this via e-mail, but I still want you to know that I'm with you in spirit and still praying. Love you!

Lyndsey said...

I confess to being another non-commenting blog stalker! Yall are in my prayers! And I'm in town this week if you need me to come knock some 2nd graders around (with love and mercy, of course!)!

Elisa said...

Rach, I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. This is obviously a very difficult struggle, and nobody likes to feel alone on top of everything else. I'll be praying for you today.

DavitaJo said...

Hey...

Wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. All the way from Alaska!

Davita

Jennifer Loppnow said...

I don't know you found you thru Taylor's blog and I just wanted to say that my husband and I are in the same boat as you with friends. I think as we get older we tend to take our friends for granite, we get busy and forget about them and it's just not fair. I wish I could meet you and be a friend to you, but this will have to do. ((((((rach)))))