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Saturday, October 04, 2008

That's so sad...

Last night Joe and I did something I love to do...PAINT! We moved all the furniture out of our guest room and painted it the color I want for the future nursery. "That is so sad....that poor girl is painting a baby room and has no baby!" I don't see it that way at all. :) I see it as having complete faith that the baby is coming! I'm just getting ready to bring him/her into this house! As I was looking at the new green room before bed, I was picturing where the crib (or cribs) will go. Where will that dresser I painted sit? Where is my rocking chair going to be? I imagined rocking my sweet baby and groggily feeding him/her at 2am. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of what I will get to experience in this room. (needless to say, my current cycle is going well....slow...but good.)
So as I was having these daydreams about my future, I spotted something on the floor. A penny. My granny (mom's mom) was known for finding pennies. She found them everywhere she went. Or so I've been told. She died when I was 7. Every time we find a penny, my mom says something about Granny must be watching us. It's funny how we always find them at special times...birthday parties, graduations, my wedding. It was nice to see that Granny is here as I am getting ready to be a mommy. I've thought a lot about Granny the past week or so. When she died I didn't really know how to deal with it. Then one day it just hit me and I fell apart. Dad said he thought that's how I was handling our miscarriage too. Accept it, and let the weight of it hit you later on. I've missed not having my Granny. I missed getting to introduce her to my fiance or take pictures with her in my wedding dress. I missed that hug when I came off the stage at high school and college graduations. And I will miss her when I have her great-grandbaby in my arms. It's nice to think that maybe she is holding the one we lost right now tho. I thought a lot last night about what my relationship would be with her if she was still here. Would we be close? Would I call her like I call mom, just to talk and catch her up? I like to think so. I like to think that she would've been another best friend of mine. Losing grandparents so early makes it hard. (I lost 3 of my 4 by age 10).
So...this post is kind of sad, but not really. :) I'm happy to anticipate pregnancy and I'm happy to imagine what Granny would be doing if she were here.


Anonymous said...

This post brought tears to my eyes because it got me thinking about my kids missing out on knowing their grandma and how she's not going to be there for all the special times in their lives. I like to think that Pam is in heaven taking care of your sweet baby and telling her all about Ally and Branson and maybe she's got your sweet baby-to-be up there too preparing him/her for the world just like she did with Ella. I love you, Rachel!

Rachel said...

now I'M crying! I cried today talking to my mom about it and fought tears telling Joe about this post. So sweet. I hope Pam has found baby Varney up there too. Love you too CareBear!