Confession: I have read Pride and Prejudice about 200 times. I get lost in the language-words like thither, mischance, felicity. I'm always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really going to get together. Read it - I know you'll love it.
- Meg Ryan in YOUVE GOT MAIL
I just finished watching a movie called LOST IN AUSTEN. It was so great! I LOVE Jane Austen more than I can say. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE is my favorite book and the 5 hour BBC movie is the greatest film EVER! (too many capitals??) Those of you who have seen it, I am sure have fallen in love with Mr. Darcy, or at least with Colin Firth. We all remember the seen in the pond, right?
Well this strange little movie was a wonderful look at how it would feel to enter the book you love. I loved the moment when Amanda (the main character) tells Darcy that every moment in her life has had him there. That every man she's ever been with has been compared to him. And as the story gets more and more jumbled, as Jane marries Mr.Colins and truths about Wickahm, Georgiana, Charlotte and the Bingleys all are discovered, Amanda finds herself helpless to stop the direction the story is headed.
So...if you love Pride and Prejudice and could find yourself knowing each character you face, if you met them in reality, rent this movie. It's a wonderful escape into a world so far from us, but so well known in our imaginations.
Zeke
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
hawaii whale watch
i am such a slacker! I know I have so much to show from Hawaii, but I'm so unmotivated! Here are some pics from whale watching. the real treat is watching the video of the whales coming right up to the boat. Unfortunately, they won't post, or I'm just inept at getting them on here.
We spent a little over 2 hours out on the ocean with the Captain chasing after a mama and baby whale. We also saw a couple of other whales closeby and several whales breeching full on, out of the water quite a ways out.
There were several cool things about this outing. In fact, I have done many cool things in my life, but this would definatley be in the top 10 of all time. First of all, it was just Joe and I with the captain on this boat in a big empty ocean. That's pretty awesome. He prayed with us before we left the dock that God would protect us and provide some great viewing of his creation. Boy did he! We had whales within 10 feet of the boat and so close we could hear them talking when they swam under us. It was incredible! We also learned quite a bit abotu whales. The most interesting thing was that they leave a footprint when they enter the water. You can see a big, floating oval of slickness when they go under. So cool!
So here are a couple of pictures. Sorry they aren't better...I was too busy enjoying the view!
The FOOTPRINT. See the glossy oval? It's the oils from the whale left on the surface.
The FOOTPRINT. See the glossy oval? It's the oils from the whale left on the surface.
Oh Captain, My Captain
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Hawaii part one
I know you want to hear about Hawaii. Me too! I want to relive it! But before I can do that, I have to do this. Yes, it has SOMETHING to do with Hawaii...but not what you are looking for I'm sure.
It's no secret that I've got baby fever. It's been a hard last couple of months as friends come closer and closer to their due dates, others have the babies that they've prayed for for years. And here I sit. No baby in my tummy still.
I even went to Hawaii with the expectation that I would have one in me when I got home. We prayed and prayed for that. I even went to this fertility Rock to let the Hawaiian legend work it's magic on me. (Legend says if you sit on the rock and leave a gift, you will become pregnant. I sat. I left a gift. Joe and I even prayed up there, as I fought a severe crying attack.) But Monday morning when I awoke back to normal life and a day of work ahead, mother nature had shown up yet again. For the 25th month in a row to say HaHa! No baby for you!
This morning at church it kept coming up again! New little baby less than a month old, one seat in front of me. (Love this kid already, since her brothers are my favorite kids of all time!) After class a sweet woman who routinely gives me a hug and kiss pulled me over and said, "Is there a baby yet?" "no." "Awww....well you keep at it." We are. We will. SIGH. She told me someone she knew tried 13 years then had 2. I told her those are the stories I hate. I've only been waiting 2 years. I may have 11 ahead....not what I wanted to hear.
At the church luncheon later on, I was approached 2 more times. Once by the mother of a friend similarly afflicted. She wanted to meet me, since she'd heard about me, and tell me she was praying for us. And yet another older woman I don't know grabbed Joe and I to tell us she miscarried multiple times, was told she couldn't carry a child, adopted after 10 years of trying, the concieved in just over a year. She told us she loves her adopted kid as much as her "homegrown" one...there's no difference there. She said, " I know you want to carry your own child. It's not fun, but I know you want that. I did too. But I love my adopted daughter as much as I do my son. It's going to happen for you guys."
All 3 of these women had no idea the other had spoken to me. Nor did they know that this is something really weighing on me again. I get these glimmers of hope and feel like God is telling me something, but then I'm not pregnant. Again. It's hard to keep the glimmer alive. So what is God doing? How do I know? Our preacher told us today the scripture was about us. It speaks TO us. His final offering to the congregation was "Ask and you will recieve. Seek and it will be given to you. Knock and the door shall be opened to you." I've asked. I've seeked. I've knocked. Still no recieving.
SO...keep reading. Keep checking in. I promise the next one will be more upbeat. Hawaii part two: WHALE WATCHING
It's no secret that I've got baby fever. It's been a hard last couple of months as friends come closer and closer to their due dates, others have the babies that they've prayed for for years. And here I sit. No baby in my tummy still.
I even went to Hawaii with the expectation that I would have one in me when I got home. We prayed and prayed for that. I even went to this fertility Rock to let the Hawaiian legend work it's magic on me. (Legend says if you sit on the rock and leave a gift, you will become pregnant. I sat. I left a gift. Joe and I even prayed up there, as I fought a severe crying attack.) But Monday morning when I awoke back to normal life and a day of work ahead, mother nature had shown up yet again. For the 25th month in a row to say HaHa! No baby for you!
This morning at church it kept coming up again! New little baby less than a month old, one seat in front of me. (Love this kid already, since her brothers are my favorite kids of all time!) After class a sweet woman who routinely gives me a hug and kiss pulled me over and said, "Is there a baby yet?" "no." "Awww....well you keep at it." We are. We will. SIGH. She told me someone she knew tried 13 years then had 2. I told her those are the stories I hate. I've only been waiting 2 years. I may have 11 ahead....not what I wanted to hear.
At the church luncheon later on, I was approached 2 more times. Once by the mother of a friend similarly afflicted. She wanted to meet me, since she'd heard about me, and tell me she was praying for us. And yet another older woman I don't know grabbed Joe and I to tell us she miscarried multiple times, was told she couldn't carry a child, adopted after 10 years of trying, the concieved in just over a year. She told us she loves her adopted kid as much as her "homegrown" one...there's no difference there. She said, " I know you want to carry your own child. It's not fun, but I know you want that. I did too. But I love my adopted daughter as much as I do my son. It's going to happen for you guys."
All 3 of these women had no idea the other had spoken to me. Nor did they know that this is something really weighing on me again. I get these glimmers of hope and feel like God is telling me something, but then I'm not pregnant. Again. It's hard to keep the glimmer alive. So what is God doing? How do I know? Our preacher told us today the scripture was about us. It speaks TO us. His final offering to the congregation was "Ask and you will recieve. Seek and it will be given to you. Knock and the door shall be opened to you." I've asked. I've seeked. I've knocked. Still no recieving.
SO...keep reading. Keep checking in. I promise the next one will be more upbeat. Hawaii part two: WHALE WATCHING
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
a moment like this
There are few moments in life that are special and just yours. Of course there are the weddings, the baptisms, the day your child is born. But how many moments do you have that are just yours....just a "Wow...can this be real? and happening to me?" moment?
I can think of a couple that I've had in my life. One that was very memorable was a few years ago when I backpacked in Europe. I was in Paris and was strolling along the Seine, eating an apple, humming a tune. Then it hit me..."How did I get here?!? I am so lucky! Some people will never get to be in this amazing city and I've been here twice? And here I am 24, funded my own trip to Europe and strolling alone and content in the city of lights?!!?" It was a moment of true awe at this point of life I've arrived at.
Today I had another such moment. It was around 6pm here in Molokai, HI. Joe and I went down to the beach near the house. Joe took a book to read and I spent some time alone in the surf. I was sitting on a rock a couple of feet into the ocean, just taking in the endless water, the coconut grove behind me and the sparkles on the water. I was thinking about what an amazing God we have and how incredible his creations are...when it happened. A song came on my ipod. I little song called "A Moment Like This." Now, I love Kelly Clarkson, but this song is cheese. today it brought something new to me tho. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Could this be the greatest love of all? I want to know that you will catch me when I fall.
God's love for me IS the greatest love of all. He WILL catch me when I fall. And some people wait a lifetime for moments like the one I was having with him. I thank God for those moments of pure contentment. Moments I'm lost in his love for me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The flip side
Last weekend Joe and I attended the Zoe Conference. It was amazing. In all honesty, it was like stepping back into summer camp 10 years ago....okay, 15 years ago. :) The worship was inspiring. The classes were intense. And the speakers were captivating. Yes, I learned so much I didn't know or hadnt thought about. I spent Friday in a class on Teen sexuality. It was so eye opening and refreshing what was being said by this youth minister. I can't wait to share all he taught us with my youth minister and children's minister here in Arlington.
The title of the conference was FEARLESS. Awesome...let's be unafraid to share the good news! Unafraid to be Christians in this dark world! Bring it on! Oh, but wait. I'm afraid of something. REALLY afraid. Of something I thought I was beginning to be okay with. Something I have distanced myself from and allowed myself to creep back into normalcy from.
Friday night Jeff Walling was speaking about fear. He was telling the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. The fiery furnace! And he talked specifically about how what they told Nebuchanezzar: About how they trust God to protect them, but even if he does not, we will still not bow down to you. "EVEN IF HE DOES NOT." That was the challenge. Not to just have faith and trust God in the struggle, but to still trust and be faithful EVEN IF HE DOES NOT do what you ask of him. Wow. What if he "DOES NOT?" We wrote our fears on a big poster that hung in the auditorium. Most people wrote things like "losing my job" or "outliving my family" or "having enough money for college," "my cancer returning," "something bad happening to my kids." Mine? "Not being able to have my own children." I admitted it. To 300+ people. I'm deathly afraid of it. I had to keep my mouth shut the rest of the evening for fear the tears would come. That night I had a dream that someone close to us (who shall remain nameless) announced her pregnancy. And I got really upset. Awoke upset too.
On Saturday there was a very VERY emotional 10 minutes. Emotional for everyone in attendance. One by one people came out with a peice of cardboard. On the front was their struggle. On the back, their triumph because of faith. For example:
Front:Diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago.
Back: Cancer free since 2005
Front: Smoked for 25 years
Back: Off nicotine for 4 years
Front: Thought drugs would claim my son
Back: Sober for 3 months+
You get the idea. But there were 2 that hurt. I mean physically hurt. Joe later said each flip was like getting punched in the chest. HARD.
One was a friend from my teen years. Her's said "Excited to see our first ultrasound. But 60% chance of downs syndrome." Back: "Baby Sophie born in December, healthy and normal."
PUNCH!
and...Front: Baby Nathan died. Back: Now we are doubley blessed.
PUNCH!
I started crying right away. After that session, I looked at Joe. Crying too. We had to leave the building. I couldn't contain it. I had no idea it was such a huge fear for me. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in 12 years shortly after. We were talking and I told her what we've been thru this year. She told me she'd had 2 miscarriages also. And this dear, sweet girl hugged me and prayed with me, right in the middle of the bookstore. She even cried with me. It was amazingly comforting.
So, despite my smiley face and my apparent strength right now, there is still a very scared girl inside me. And while I'm very able to help others right now, in similar situations, I'm still in the middle of my struggle. And that's why it hurt so much to watch those cards flip. My flipside would be blank. Front: Slim to no chance of ever having kids, 2 miscarriages. Back: EMPTY
When will I have my flipside?
Dad bought me a CD and I listen to it constantly now. One song I love is "You Never Let Go." It's like I hear words for me everytime.
"Oh Lord you never let go. Thru every high and every low. Oh Lord you never let go, Lord you never let go of me. I can see a light in the darkness for the heart that holds on. And there will be end to these troubles, but until that day comes...still I will praise you. Still I will praise you. Lord you never let go of me!"
The title of the conference was FEARLESS. Awesome...let's be unafraid to share the good news! Unafraid to be Christians in this dark world! Bring it on! Oh, but wait. I'm afraid of something. REALLY afraid. Of something I thought I was beginning to be okay with. Something I have distanced myself from and allowed myself to creep back into normalcy from.
Friday night Jeff Walling was speaking about fear. He was telling the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. The fiery furnace! And he talked specifically about how what they told Nebuchanezzar: About how they trust God to protect them, but even if he does not, we will still not bow down to you. "EVEN IF HE DOES NOT." That was the challenge. Not to just have faith and trust God in the struggle, but to still trust and be faithful EVEN IF HE DOES NOT do what you ask of him. Wow. What if he "DOES NOT?" We wrote our fears on a big poster that hung in the auditorium. Most people wrote things like "losing my job" or "outliving my family" or "having enough money for college," "my cancer returning," "something bad happening to my kids." Mine? "Not being able to have my own children." I admitted it. To 300+ people. I'm deathly afraid of it. I had to keep my mouth shut the rest of the evening for fear the tears would come. That night I had a dream that someone close to us (who shall remain nameless) announced her pregnancy. And I got really upset. Awoke upset too.
On Saturday there was a very VERY emotional 10 minutes. Emotional for everyone in attendance. One by one people came out with a peice of cardboard. On the front was their struggle. On the back, their triumph because of faith. For example:
Front:Diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago.
Back: Cancer free since 2005
Front: Smoked for 25 years
Back: Off nicotine for 4 years
Front: Thought drugs would claim my son
Back: Sober for 3 months+
You get the idea. But there were 2 that hurt. I mean physically hurt. Joe later said each flip was like getting punched in the chest. HARD.
One was a friend from my teen years. Her's said "Excited to see our first ultrasound. But 60% chance of downs syndrome." Back: "Baby Sophie born in December, healthy and normal."
PUNCH!
and...Front: Baby Nathan died. Back: Now we are doubley blessed.
PUNCH!
I started crying right away. After that session, I looked at Joe. Crying too. We had to leave the building. I couldn't contain it. I had no idea it was such a huge fear for me. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in 12 years shortly after. We were talking and I told her what we've been thru this year. She told me she'd had 2 miscarriages also. And this dear, sweet girl hugged me and prayed with me, right in the middle of the bookstore. She even cried with me. It was amazingly comforting.
So, despite my smiley face and my apparent strength right now, there is still a very scared girl inside me. And while I'm very able to help others right now, in similar situations, I'm still in the middle of my struggle. And that's why it hurt so much to watch those cards flip. My flipside would be blank. Front: Slim to no chance of ever having kids, 2 miscarriages. Back: EMPTY
When will I have my flipside?
Dad bought me a CD and I listen to it constantly now. One song I love is "You Never Let Go." It's like I hear words for me everytime.
"Oh Lord you never let go. Thru every high and every low. Oh Lord you never let go, Lord you never let go of me. I can see a light in the darkness for the heart that holds on. And there will be end to these troubles, but until that day comes...still I will praise you. Still I will praise you. Lord you never let go of me!"
Monday, February 23, 2009
how has life gotten so busy?
Did you know there are only 14 weeks of school left? And that I've been back for 7 weeks from Christmas break? Where did that time go?!?! I have an art show in 1 month!!! YIPES! I leave for Hawaii in less than 3 weeks! YIPES again!! I know I must have been keeping myself very VERY busy to have completely missed the past 7 weeks of life.
Here's a top angle. It's put together like an accordian with different layers glued inside.
So just so I have something to show for it, let me show you the art I've made this month. This is not all I've done, but my 2 favorites.
This is a picture I made for my friend Heather and her new baby that will be arriving in the next couple of weeks. Yes Lauren and Sheila, you will also be getting one. If you have a preference on the nursery rhyme speak now or forever hold your peace.
And this one I just did today at art inservice. It's a multilayered landscape. All done in paper. Pretty cool!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
sorrow revisited
I have a dear, sweet friend who is having a difficult time right now. She suffered a miscarriage about a month after my last one and has kept it to herself for several weeks. She shared it with our class a couple of Sundays ago and my heart sank. She was someone who was so devastated at our losses and to hear that she had been silently hurting too, just brok my heart.
Now as I watch her going through it, I see myself. I remember those weeks of not wanting to come to church, knowing that it would take all I had to not cry. I remember feeling all alone in a room full of people, because their worlds were all sunny and rosy, and mine was dark and cold. But mostly I remember how I just wanted someone to care as much as I did. I wanted someone to understand my hurt wasn't just at that one moment in church, but constant. I wanted someone to remember I was still hurting. Luckily, I have had one such person. (shout out, Carebear!) I have a sweet friend who still sends me a card every week to remind me she thinking about me and praying for us. That means more to me than I can ever explain. And I want to do that for someone else now.
At the time, I thought people just didn't care. I stilll think that sometimes, but watching this girl in her grief...I have no words for her. And I just experienced this a couple of months ago! Nothing can be done to make it better. But I know that all I really needed was someone to be there, be sad with me, and tell me it would get better. So I'm trying my hardest. So while I want to keep my friends name in confidence, I konw many of you know who I am speaking of. Those who don't, just pray for Rachel's friend.
Tonight at singing, I was flipping through songs and I found so many lines that spoke to me. I'll leave you with one of them. I've never heard this song.....have you??
Does Jesus Care?
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Now as I watch her going through it, I see myself. I remember those weeks of not wanting to come to church, knowing that it would take all I had to not cry. I remember feeling all alone in a room full of people, because their worlds were all sunny and rosy, and mine was dark and cold. But mostly I remember how I just wanted someone to care as much as I did. I wanted someone to understand my hurt wasn't just at that one moment in church, but constant. I wanted someone to remember I was still hurting. Luckily, I have had one such person. (shout out, Carebear!) I have a sweet friend who still sends me a card every week to remind me she thinking about me and praying for us. That means more to me than I can ever explain. And I want to do that for someone else now.
At the time, I thought people just didn't care. I stilll think that sometimes, but watching this girl in her grief...I have no words for her. And I just experienced this a couple of months ago! Nothing can be done to make it better. But I know that all I really needed was someone to be there, be sad with me, and tell me it would get better. So I'm trying my hardest. So while I want to keep my friends name in confidence, I konw many of you know who I am speaking of. Those who don't, just pray for Rachel's friend.
Tonight at singing, I was flipping through songs and I found so many lines that spoke to me. I'll leave you with one of them. I've never heard this song.....have you??
Does Jesus Care?
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
updates I've gotten behind on...
so much has been going on, it's been hard to find time to blog it all. But today is a snow day (ice day), so now that every part of my house has been cleaned, laundry put away, 2 workouts completed...blog time has arrived!
1. For Xmas we got something I never thought I would get addicted to. I told Joe we would never get a video game system, but I caved and we got a Wii. I am in LOVE with this thing! Not only do we get the old school Nintendo games I grew up on like Mario Bros and Punch Out, but we also have Rock Band and Wii Fit. Both of which I am addicted to. Rock Band became a great pasttime during Xmas break at home with my parents and brother. Below you will see a video of dad singing Eye of the Tiger. Hang in there thru the end of it...it's worth it. :) And the Wii fit....I do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. It monitors my bmi and weight as well as has me set fitness goals for myself, not to mention the fun activities it has! I've lost over 8 pounds in 4 weeks and am on pace to get to my goal weight before my last IVF cycle. So exciting!
And here is our band....Me, Matt, Dad and Mom
2. Ever watch Dancing with the Stars? Or....ever heard of Dancing with the Stars? Well, Joe and I are the next stars! We are taking Ballroom Dancing lessons on Monday nights and having a great time! In fact, we are thinking abotu going to a dance on Saturday nite! The last 2 classes we have been working on the foxtrot. We have learned the basice steps, a variation called "conversation" and a variation called "the zigzag." On Monday there was a couple there who missed the first class. The woman was....well.....scary. She obviously had had plastic surgery on her face and chest. She had a Joan Rivers vibe going on. And she was wearing a see through shirt with a hot pink bra, and black TIGHT leggings. Yipes. So towards the end of class Joe and I were dancing in the circle and I noticed her watching us. We rounded the corner and she booked it towards us. i thought she was going to grab her husband, but nope...she was coming for mine! She grabbed Joe's arm and announced "We are switching partners!" The two of them were so clueless and she said "you two konw what you're doing...I've been watching you. Help us!" So we switched and helped them out for a few minutes. Class ended with a promise to trade again next week. When we told our mom's the story they both told me to watch out...and older woman is trying to steal my man. :) I prefer to think it's just the fact that the Varneys rock at the foxtrot. :)
3. In less than a week I am entering a new phase of life. A new decade. On Tuesday I will be 30! I am actually really looking forward to it too! I don't see it as a bad thing, although Joe says it means I have to act like an adult now. :) In honor of our birthdays and really, in honor of our marriage surviving the hell that was 2008, we are planning a peaceful, romantic, renewing week away in March. Some friends have graciously and generously helped us out with a place to stay in....wait for it.....HAWAII!!!! I have never been there and neither has Joe. We wanted to go somewhere amazing before we spend the next several years paying off IVF, and hopefully paying for baby stuff with the baby I WILL be pregnant with soon. So we have taken some of our savings and we bought our tickets last week. The whole week of Spring Break on the island of Molokai. More on that to come!
4. And just for you, Tanya, here's a pic of our new bed. We got a sleigh bed with our Xmas money. We've had my bed from pre-marriage the past 3 years, so now we have "our bed" instead of "my bed."
Friday, January 23, 2009
I love PROMETHEAN!
So I got this new toy at school. Shouldn't call it that...a new TEACHING TOOL! It didn't work initially(as technology tends to do), but it is up and running now and I am in LOVE with my Promethean Board!
This is new technology that allows you to do everything....EVERYTHING from a touch sensitive smart board. It's like a big blackberry. It has a stylus that looks like a marker and it's plugged into your laptop, the web, speakers, your ipod, a wii....you name it, you can hook it up to this sucker!
Here's what it looks like:
It is mounted to the wall and moves up and down. You can see the projector part is on the arm up above, so it moves with the board. It goes all the way down to 12 inches from the floor, perfect for my little guys to come work on!
Today was my first day with it up and running and my kids were in awe. We played games, drew pictures, moved blocks into graphs, all kinds of stuff! This thing will change teaching forever!! I can build a lesson on a flipchart (a slideshow, like powerpoint), but I never have to leave the board. everythign is accessible right there using my stylus. I can put in video links to the net, sounds, music, matching games, worksheets, books, you name it....it does it.
I went to training yesterday and my head is still spinning thru all the ideas from those 8 hours. Teaching is finally fun again! So glad that I am HAPPY AT SCHOOL!!!!!
Here's what it looks like in action:
I almost forgot!?!?
If you are a geek like me and want to see what this is all about, go to www.promethanplanent.com, or you can visit www.promethanlearning.com to try it out on your home computer and see what the software does.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
a day in history
Today was such a special day. We were able to witness a moment in history. Sure, we've witnessed others...911 attacks, the challenger explosion, the fall of the Berlin Wall. But never have we had the anticipation and expectation of such an event.
I watched the swearing in of our 44th president with 19 first graders today. Did they understand what was happening? Yes. And no. They know we have a new president today. They know his name is Barak Obama. But I'm sure they have no idea how important it was for them to see.
As we drove home from Lubbock yesterday, we listened to talk radio about the upcoming inauguration. While I am so excited about what is in store for our country, many are not. And I sympathize with their point of view, even though I don't share it. But despite which side you stand on, I hope that we all were moved and thankful that our country has reached this landmark. It's one I thought I would see in my lifetime, but not for a long, long time. Praise God for getting us here!
As I watched the oath being given, I couldn't help but tear up a little bit. My mom remembers the moonlanding and the assasination of Kennedy. My kiddos will remember this. It makes me so excited for them!!!
Monday, January 12, 2009
New News
We went to the doctor today to get the final word on my D&C results.
The doc said that they found nothing wrong with the fetal tissue, so the chromosome issue is a moot point now. He said recurring miscarriage is caused by one of 3 things:
1. Genetic problems (ruled out on both of us now)
2. A structural problem with the uterus (not me)
3. Antibodies are developed that "attack" the placenta
So...we are getting tested for the anibodies one. Doc says it is a small chance, but still a chance that that's what's going on. Good news is...we can do something about that one!!! Now, if they don't find that prognosis to be true, we have just been really REALLY unlucky and there is no explanation for back to back miscarriages. In either case, the recommendation is to go forward with the last FET when we're ready. (either on new meds for antibodies or buisness as usual).
The only other new info is....we were having a girl. That makes me sad to know the sex of the baby. Makes it more real. But it's kind of nice too. I was having a GIRL! I knew I was. :)
And final news...unrelated to babies. We bought a new bed today! It's our birthday gifts to eachother this year! A BLACK SLEIGH BED!!!! Hooray!!!
The doc said that they found nothing wrong with the fetal tissue, so the chromosome issue is a moot point now. He said recurring miscarriage is caused by one of 3 things:
1. Genetic problems (ruled out on both of us now)
2. A structural problem with the uterus (not me)
3. Antibodies are developed that "attack" the placenta
So...we are getting tested for the anibodies one. Doc says it is a small chance, but still a chance that that's what's going on. Good news is...we can do something about that one!!! Now, if they don't find that prognosis to be true, we have just been really REALLY unlucky and there is no explanation for back to back miscarriages. In either case, the recommendation is to go forward with the last FET when we're ready. (either on new meds for antibodies or buisness as usual).
The only other new info is....we were having a girl. That makes me sad to know the sex of the baby. Makes it more real. But it's kind of nice too. I was having a GIRL! I knew I was. :)
And final news...unrelated to babies. We bought a new bed today! It's our birthday gifts to eachother this year! A BLACK SLEIGH BED!!!! Hooray!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
happy birthday
30 years ago today, my sweetheart entered the world...and thank God he did! I don't know what life would be like without that man in mine.
Last nite we went out with 10 or so of our best friends to celebrate and had so much fun wishing Jerry and Joe happiness in the next decade of life. 30 is a big milestone and we looking foward to a wonderful beginning to this next chapter.
So in honor of my hubby....here are 10 reasons I love him...(thought about putting 30, but that would be SO LONG!!)
1. He loves me even when I'm unlovable.
2. He makes me laugh every single day.
3. He prays for me and with me every night.
4. He can't sleep without me next to him.
5. He sings constantly, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the garage...always has a song.
6. He's goofy. REALLY goofy. :)
7. He loves kids as much as I do.
8. His family feels like they've always been mine.
9. He loves doing everything together...working out, cooking, cleaning, shopping...he knows everything is more fun if we're together.
10. He makes me want to be more than I am. Makes me better and stronger.
happy birthday, babe!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
click click click...ZOOM!!
So there is so much to catch you up on since my last post. I have pictures and stories galore from Xmas and New Years, but there is somethiing that has to take precident right now.
Last Friday I got a call from the leader of my support group with interesting news....at the pregnancy center she volunteers with, an adoption had become available with a single black mother. Due date? Jan 30th!!! She called to see if we were interested. WHAT!!!!???!
The past several days have been full of questioning, waiting and praying. From what we found out, we decided this was not the baby for us (which is sad for so many reasons, one being the cost was about a 4th of what a regular adoption would cost us.) We found out the mother had not been drinking or doing drugs, but had been smoking the duration of the pregnancy. Mom wanted to abort the baby and her plan was twarted not once, but twice. Dad's in jail. Mom's plan is to leave the baby at the hospital to become a ward of the state. So, so sad.
I have so many things to work out about adoption, but knew what was important to me most.
1.Closed Adoption? check!
2.Affordable for us? check!
3.Baby not in danger from mother's habits? half a check (maybe....mother has not been doing prenatal care and smokes)
4. Are we ready? check (but maybe not 100% ready)
5.Biracial child? NO CHECK....this was a real sticky point for me. if we adopt, I want a biracial baby. Why, you may ask? I feel like there would always be an odd man out if we adopt a white or a black child. If adopted a white child, people would assume joe wasn't the father. If we adopt a black baby, people would assume I'm not the mother. I want our family to look and feel like our family. And this is a baby with both a black mother and a black father.
So while I have a huge heart for this unborn baby, I know it's not the baby we are meant to have. But these past 5 days have been amazing. Just the idea of this being possible has brought me new hope. That phone call from Carol felt like the call saying I was pregnant. I'm so excited that I can feel that way, even without a baby in my belly!!
So now that we have raced down THAT hill on the rollercoaster, we are beginning to click click click back up as another family we know is now considering adopting this child. While this has potential to be wonderful for them, and equal potential to be strange and awkward for me, it would be wonderful for this baby to be in a loving, christian home. I'm not sure how I feel about it all, and I'm not sure how they feel about it all. Not long to decide, so I guess we'll see!
So pray for this un-named baby to be and whoever it is that she ends up with. It's obvious God want this little guy around!
Last Friday I got a call from the leader of my support group with interesting news....at the pregnancy center she volunteers with, an adoption had become available with a single black mother. Due date? Jan 30th!!! She called to see if we were interested. WHAT!!!!???!
The past several days have been full of questioning, waiting and praying. From what we found out, we decided this was not the baby for us (which is sad for so many reasons, one being the cost was about a 4th of what a regular adoption would cost us.) We found out the mother had not been drinking or doing drugs, but had been smoking the duration of the pregnancy. Mom wanted to abort the baby and her plan was twarted not once, but twice. Dad's in jail. Mom's plan is to leave the baby at the hospital to become a ward of the state. So, so sad.
I have so many things to work out about adoption, but knew what was important to me most.
1.Closed Adoption? check!
2.Affordable for us? check!
3.Baby not in danger from mother's habits? half a check (maybe....mother has not been doing prenatal care and smokes)
4. Are we ready? check (but maybe not 100% ready)
5.Biracial child? NO CHECK....this was a real sticky point for me. if we adopt, I want a biracial baby. Why, you may ask? I feel like there would always be an odd man out if we adopt a white or a black child. If adopted a white child, people would assume joe wasn't the father. If we adopt a black baby, people would assume I'm not the mother. I want our family to look and feel like our family. And this is a baby with both a black mother and a black father.
So while I have a huge heart for this unborn baby, I know it's not the baby we are meant to have. But these past 5 days have been amazing. Just the idea of this being possible has brought me new hope. That phone call from Carol felt like the call saying I was pregnant. I'm so excited that I can feel that way, even without a baby in my belly!!
So now that we have raced down THAT hill on the rollercoaster, we are beginning to click click click back up as another family we know is now considering adopting this child. While this has potential to be wonderful for them, and equal potential to be strange and awkward for me, it would be wonderful for this baby to be in a loving, christian home. I'm not sure how I feel about it all, and I'm not sure how they feel about it all. Not long to decide, so I guess we'll see!
So pray for this un-named baby to be and whoever it is that she ends up with. It's obvious God want this little guy around!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
sadness
Tonight I had a breakdown on the way home from a wedding reception. With Christmas just days away, I am sadder and sadder that I'm not expecting the only gift I really want....yep...a baby growing inside me. If my first pregnancy had stuck, I'd be 20 weeks now. If the 2nd one had stuck, I'd be almost 11 weeks. I was SO looking forward to telling my family I was pregnant at Christmas this year. Now I'm sad about seeing my extended family...worried people will ask me about when I'll have kids. Worried about what to say when I'm asked that...IF I'm asked that. Worried that this time next year I'll feel the same. worried that at some point I will have to give up on this, even if I don't want to. Worried that I will always have this pit of pain deep within me. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time I am very content. I can see the blessings I have, but it's so hard to overlook the one that I don't. I am so afraid of what 2009 holds. Here's hoping that there is another stocking on my mantel next year.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A Week Of Tears
Tears have become a regular part of my life, but this week was different. Had many different causes, and one that remains...
1. Saturday, 8:00pm
We were staying overnite with our two favorite little guys (the Dill boys) and it was story time right before bed. Connor asked me to read his new book "God Gave Me You." It's about a bear cub asking about when he was born. I was fine until the page that talked about when "we went to hear your heartbeat." Yeah...not great timing there.
2. Saturday 9:00opm
I was reading my chapter in "Little House on the Freeway" for class on Sunday and was recapping the info for Joe. As I talked about worry, hope, and relationships, I realized again what I have and what I still wish for.
3. Wednesday 8:00pm
Our class provided Christmas gifts for a needy family in our congregation. Last night we gave the wrapped packages to the mom and her 3 kiddos. To see those girls so wide-eyed and exicted HAS to bring a tear to your eye!
4. Thursday (today) 7:30am
On the way to work I listen to Kidd Kraddick. It was his annual "Breaking and Entering Christmas" where they break into someone's home and decorate, as well as provide insane amounts of money and gifts. This year it was a single dad with 4 kids under 14. He's an army man, served 7 years overseas, and after his last tour in Iraq came home to 4 kids and no job. He can't interview since he has 2 not of school age and has no way to pay daycare or babysitters. When they told him they were paying for 6 months of daycare and this tough army guy started crying, I almost had to pull over. That's a moving radio bit!
5. Thursday 1:00pm
Now, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but not really. :) My kids are talking about how they make animated movies this week and we have been looking at drawn, computer and stop action animation. Today we looked at "Polar Express" (incidentally my FAVORITE kids book ever!!). When we got to the part where the boy can't hear the bell and repeats "I Believe" over and over. And then Santa asks him what he said....When he tells Santa, "I believe. I believe. I believe," the tears started streaming. What's really funny is, we were watching it in Spanish! It was a billingual class!
1. Saturday, 8:00pm
We were staying overnite with our two favorite little guys (the Dill boys) and it was story time right before bed. Connor asked me to read his new book "God Gave Me You." It's about a bear cub asking about when he was born. I was fine until the page that talked about when "we went to hear your heartbeat." Yeah...not great timing there.
2. Saturday 9:00opm
I was reading my chapter in "Little House on the Freeway" for class on Sunday and was recapping the info for Joe. As I talked about worry, hope, and relationships, I realized again what I have and what I still wish for.
3. Wednesday 8:00pm
Our class provided Christmas gifts for a needy family in our congregation. Last night we gave the wrapped packages to the mom and her 3 kiddos. To see those girls so wide-eyed and exicted HAS to bring a tear to your eye!
4. Thursday (today) 7:30am
On the way to work I listen to Kidd Kraddick. It was his annual "Breaking and Entering Christmas" where they break into someone's home and decorate, as well as provide insane amounts of money and gifts. This year it was a single dad with 4 kids under 14. He's an army man, served 7 years overseas, and after his last tour in Iraq came home to 4 kids and no job. He can't interview since he has 2 not of school age and has no way to pay daycare or babysitters. When they told him they were paying for 6 months of daycare and this tough army guy started crying, I almost had to pull over. That's a moving radio bit!
5. Thursday 1:00pm
Now, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but not really. :) My kids are talking about how they make animated movies this week and we have been looking at drawn, computer and stop action animation. Today we looked at "Polar Express" (incidentally my FAVORITE kids book ever!!). When we got to the part where the boy can't hear the bell and repeats "I Believe" over and over. And then Santa asks him what he said....When he tells Santa, "I believe. I believe. I believe," the tears started streaming. What's really funny is, we were watching it in Spanish! It was a billingual class!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
TAGGED
8 Things
I was tagged by Becky Terlisner, so here goes...
8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Cheesecake Factory
2. On the Border
3. Hickory Street Cafe (abilene)
I was tagged by Becky Terlisner, so here goes...
8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Cheesecake Factory
2. On the Border
3. Hickory Street Cafe (abilene)
4. Harolds (abilene)
5. Bravo
6. Glorias
7. Chipotle
6. Glorias
7. Chipotle
8. Joe T Garcias
8Things that Happened Today:
1. The garage stopped fully shutting
2. I made my lunch
3. I watched CLAYMATION XMAS 6 times
4. I Dance Dance Revolutioned for 45 minutes
5. I recovered a stolen memory stick
6. I got gas for $1.45
7. Drank hot cocoa with cloves, cinnamon and red hots in it(try that!!!)
8. I wore my favorite red coat with a long scarf and gloves
8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Having babies....one day soon
2. Christmas with my family
3. Giving Xmas to a needy family (with my friends at church)
4. Driving a minivan permanantly (I love yours, Dills!!)
5. Being completely content with life
6. Friday afternoon at 3:10 when I'm on break!!!
7. Sleeping late
8. turning 30 in 2009!!!
8 Things I'm Scared Of:
1. Never having my own babies
2. being robbed
3. being lonely
4. losing joe
5. losing my job or joe's job
6. losing ANYONE I love
7. Not having retirement money
8. facing another year like 2008
8 Things I Wish For:
1. Babies
2. a bigger home
3. for Joe to get a better paying career (cuz mine will NEVER be better paying)
4. that my brother can find happiness again
5. that my happiness will last
6. good test results from my d and c
7. the economy will turn around
8. matt will cave and concede on the trip to NYC for our 30th bdays!
8 Things I Watch on TV:
1. Pushing Daisies
2. LOST
3. 30 Rock
4. The Office
5. Heroes
6. The Biggest Loser
7. Project Runway
8. Ugly Betty
8 People I TAG:
1. Tanya
2. Taylor
3. Carrie
4. Amy
5. Jamie
6. Andrea
7. Becky H
8. Jaime
8Things that Happened Today:
1. The garage stopped fully shutting
2. I made my lunch
3. I watched CLAYMATION XMAS 6 times
4. I Dance Dance Revolutioned for 45 minutes
5. I recovered a stolen memory stick
6. I got gas for $1.45
7. Drank hot cocoa with cloves, cinnamon and red hots in it(try that!!!)
8. I wore my favorite red coat with a long scarf and gloves
8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Having babies....one day soon
2. Christmas with my family
3. Giving Xmas to a needy family (with my friends at church)
4. Driving a minivan permanantly (I love yours, Dills!!)
5. Being completely content with life
6. Friday afternoon at 3:10 when I'm on break!!!
7. Sleeping late
8. turning 30 in 2009!!!
8 Things I'm Scared Of:
1. Never having my own babies
2. being robbed
3. being lonely
4. losing joe
5. losing my job or joe's job
6. losing ANYONE I love
7. Not having retirement money
8. facing another year like 2008
8 Things I Wish For:
1. Babies
2. a bigger home
3. for Joe to get a better paying career (cuz mine will NEVER be better paying)
4. that my brother can find happiness again
5. that my happiness will last
6. good test results from my d and c
7. the economy will turn around
8. matt will cave and concede on the trip to NYC for our 30th bdays!
8 Things I Watch on TV:
1. Pushing Daisies
2. LOST
3. 30 Rock
4. The Office
5. Heroes
6. The Biggest Loser
7. Project Runway
8. Ugly Betty
8 People I TAG:
1. Tanya
2. Taylor
3. Carrie
4. Amy
5. Jamie
6. Andrea
7. Becky H
8. Jaime
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
a reason to be happy
It's been 3 weeks since we found out we were losing baby #2. For many people this would still be the low point of existence. For us though, we have decided to hit the "PAUSE" button on babies, and try to go back to normal life, for the first time in almost a year. And it's been great! In fact, I think I am the happiest I've been since we started testing last January. Here are a few things I have to be thankful for/happy about.
1. Medical Science. It's amazing the things they can do for us now and while it's not benefiting me just yet, it's such a blessing to be able to find out so much and have some options.
2. My family. While we've gone though all of the phases of this journey, our families have been incredible. From Mom and Dad helping us with money and coming at a moments notice, to Dad driving here to get my furniture and take it back to Lubbock to sell, to my in-laws cooking and cleaning for us, we've been well taken care of.
3. Friends. This incompasses so many. Here are a few I need to single out...
a. Hannah Group. This is my support group I've attended since April. These girls have been my heart and soul this year. I'm not sure how I would've survived without the meals, prayers, cards, emails and calls I get from them. For any of you out there who are suffering thru infertility, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP! It's been a huge blessing to me.
b. Amy. We've been though a lot this year and bonded in ways no one will ever be able to understand. I'm thankful to have had her by me in the joys and tears.
c. Carrie. My best friend from high school and I have reunited thru this and talk more often than we have in 10 years. It's been great having her to lean on.
d. Tanya. My bff in training. She has come thru in so many ways and has gladly let me push her aside on more than one occasion. She deals with just as much stress and craziness in her own life, but always manages to make time for me and my stuff.
e. Tracy, Marshon, Lori, Debra, Emily....these ladies at church always ALWAYS ask me how I am and check on me. Weekly I hear from at least one of them, if not more and they always make me feel loved.
f. My work friends. They cry with me and celebrate with me. In fact, I had more tears shed for me on my return to work than I shed myself.
g. Melanie. Even though she is giddy and proud of her new bundle of joy, she mourns with me and always has a kind word and prayer to offer me. It's almost like her new baby reminds her that I still don't have one.
4. The future. I have so much to look forward to. We are trying to plan an incredible trip just Joe and I think Spring, before we start round 3. I am almost 30 and am looking forward to a great next chapter in my life. It's Christmas, WHICH I LOVE!!! And I have hope in a God who wants to give me a hope and a future! And I can't wait to find out what that will be!
5. And lastly, and most of all, I am thankful and happy about my husband. I am so deeply in love with him and coming out of a hard, rough year, I know we are stronger than we were before we started. And I know that many marriages would not have survived.
There are lots of other things, but I'm rambling already. Basically, I think John Lennon had it right. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." And I don't want life to pass by with me worrying about babies. So I choose happiness. I choose to live with joy.
1. Medical Science. It's amazing the things they can do for us now and while it's not benefiting me just yet, it's such a blessing to be able to find out so much and have some options.
2. My family. While we've gone though all of the phases of this journey, our families have been incredible. From Mom and Dad helping us with money and coming at a moments notice, to Dad driving here to get my furniture and take it back to Lubbock to sell, to my in-laws cooking and cleaning for us, we've been well taken care of.
3. Friends. This incompasses so many. Here are a few I need to single out...
a. Hannah Group. This is my support group I've attended since April. These girls have been my heart and soul this year. I'm not sure how I would've survived without the meals, prayers, cards, emails and calls I get from them. For any of you out there who are suffering thru infertility, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP! It's been a huge blessing to me.
b. Amy. We've been though a lot this year and bonded in ways no one will ever be able to understand. I'm thankful to have had her by me in the joys and tears.
c. Carrie. My best friend from high school and I have reunited thru this and talk more often than we have in 10 years. It's been great having her to lean on.
d. Tanya. My bff in training. She has come thru in so many ways and has gladly let me push her aside on more than one occasion. She deals with just as much stress and craziness in her own life, but always manages to make time for me and my stuff.
e. Tracy, Marshon, Lori, Debra, Emily....these ladies at church always ALWAYS ask me how I am and check on me. Weekly I hear from at least one of them, if not more and they always make me feel loved.
f. My work friends. They cry with me and celebrate with me. In fact, I had more tears shed for me on my return to work than I shed myself.
g. Melanie. Even though she is giddy and proud of her new bundle of joy, she mourns with me and always has a kind word and prayer to offer me. It's almost like her new baby reminds her that I still don't have one.
4. The future. I have so much to look forward to. We are trying to plan an incredible trip just Joe and I think Spring, before we start round 3. I am almost 30 and am looking forward to a great next chapter in my life. It's Christmas, WHICH I LOVE!!! And I have hope in a God who wants to give me a hope and a future! And I can't wait to find out what that will be!
5. And lastly, and most of all, I am thankful and happy about my husband. I am so deeply in love with him and coming out of a hard, rough year, I know we are stronger than we were before we started. And I know that many marriages would not have survived.
There are lots of other things, but I'm rambling already. Basically, I think John Lennon had it right. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." And I don't want life to pass by with me worrying about babies. So I choose happiness. I choose to live with joy.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
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