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Friday, March 13, 2009

The flip side

Last weekend Joe and I attended the Zoe Conference. It was amazing. In all honesty, it was like stepping back into summer camp 10 years ago....okay, 15 years ago. :) The worship was inspiring. The classes were intense. And the speakers were captivating. Yes, I learned so much I didn't know or hadnt thought about. I spent Friday in a class on Teen sexuality. It was so eye opening and refreshing what was being said by this youth minister. I can't wait to share all he taught us with my youth minister and children's minister here in Arlington.
The title of the conference was FEARLESS. Awesome...let's be unafraid to share the good news! Unafraid to be Christians in this dark world! Bring it on! Oh, but wait. I'm afraid of something. REALLY afraid. Of something I thought I was beginning to be okay with. Something I have distanced myself from and allowed myself to creep back into normalcy from.
Friday night Jeff Walling was speaking about fear. He was telling the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. The fiery furnace! And he talked specifically about how what they told Nebuchanezzar: About how they trust God to protect them, but even if he does not, we will still not bow down to you. "EVEN IF HE DOES NOT." That was the challenge. Not to just have faith and trust God in the struggle, but to still trust and be faithful EVEN IF HE DOES NOT do what you ask of him. Wow. What if he "DOES NOT?" We wrote our fears on a big poster that hung in the auditorium. Most people wrote things like "losing my job" or "outliving my family" or "having enough money for college," "my cancer returning," "something bad happening to my kids." Mine? "Not being able to have my own children." I admitted it. To 300+ people. I'm deathly afraid of it. I had to keep my mouth shut the rest of the evening for fear the tears would come. That night I had a dream that someone close to us (who shall remain nameless) announced her pregnancy. And I got really upset. Awoke upset too.
On Saturday there was a very VERY emotional 10 minutes. Emotional for everyone in attendance. One by one people came out with a peice of cardboard. On the front was their struggle. On the back, their triumph because of faith. For example:
Front:Diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago.
Back: Cancer free since 2005
Front: Smoked for 25 years
Back: Off nicotine for 4 years
Front: Thought drugs would claim my son
Back: Sober for 3 months+
You get the idea. But there were 2 that hurt. I mean physically hurt. Joe later said each flip was like getting punched in the chest. HARD.
One was a friend from my teen years. Her's said "Excited to see our first ultrasound. But 60% chance of downs syndrome." Back: "Baby Sophie born in December, healthy and normal."
and...Front: Baby Nathan died. Back: Now we are doubley blessed.
I started crying right away. After that session, I looked at Joe. Crying too. We had to leave the building. I couldn't contain it. I had no idea it was such a huge fear for me. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in 12 years shortly after. We were talking and I told her what we've been thru this year. She told me she'd had 2 miscarriages also. And this dear, sweet girl hugged me and prayed with me, right in the middle of the bookstore. She even cried with me. It was amazingly comforting.
So, despite my smiley face and my apparent strength right now, there is still a very scared girl inside me. And while I'm very able to help others right now, in similar situations, I'm still in the middle of my struggle. And that's why it hurt so much to watch those cards flip. My flipside would be blank. Front: Slim to no chance of ever having kids, 2 miscarriages. Back: EMPTY
When will I have my flipside?
Dad bought me a CD and I listen to it constantly now. One song I love is "You Never Let Go." It's like I hear words for me everytime.
"Oh Lord you never let go. Thru every high and every low. Oh Lord you never let go, Lord you never let go of me. I can see a light in the darkness for the heart that holds on. And there will be end to these troubles, but until that day comes...still I will praise you. Still I will praise you. Lord you never let go of me!"


amy said...

Wow, we are kind of on the same wave length tonight. I pray for you constantly that you will have a baby soon. I just hope (for the last time) that this will be the LAST mother's day we will be without little ones in our arms! Love you and praying for you always.

Taylor said...

Those punches hurt more than most understand. I know your pain. Please know my heart hurts with you as I read this post. I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Rach, as always, I don't have the words to say, but I love you and will keep praying for you and Joe.