Zeke

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

sadness

Tonight I had a breakdown on the way home from a wedding reception. With Christmas just days away, I am sadder and sadder that I'm not expecting the only gift I really want....yep...a baby growing inside me. If my first pregnancy had stuck, I'd be 20 weeks now. If the 2nd one had stuck, I'd be almost 11 weeks. I was SO looking forward to telling my family I was pregnant at Christmas this year. Now I'm sad about seeing my extended family...worried people will ask me about when I'll have kids. Worried about what to say when I'm asked that...IF I'm asked that. Worried that this time next year I'll feel the same. worried that at some point I will have to give up on this, even if I don't want to. Worried that I will always have this pit of pain deep within me. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time I am very content. I can see the blessings I have, but it's so hard to overlook the one that I don't. I am so afraid of what 2009 holds. Here's hoping that there is another stocking on my mantel next year.

3 comments:

mamma2 said...

I am truly sorry. When my husband and I dealt with infertility and people would ask me when I was going to have little ones I told them it was in God's hands and when he decided to bless us then we would have some.

Adam & Carrie Tungate said...

Once again, I just don't have the words, but I'm sad with you and my heart is broken for you. I love you and pray that the void you have for that baby will be filled.

Kara said...

I hear ya! I feel the same way about getting married. May both of us have one more stocking next year...I love you!