waiting

Tonight at group we talked about waiting. Again, with my hormones amuck, I had a crying evening. We listened to part of a sermon by Rick Atchley. He talked about this need to hurry and how we are an instant gratification society. Which line is the shortest, why is this guy driving so slow, where is that pizza, it's late! We want things how we want them, when we want them. I am completely guilty of that. I come home and see this on Taylor's blog:
"God has not run out of wonders where we are concerned, Beloved. We have not seen the last great work of God in our lives. You and I will never move to the next level with God if we're scared half to death of what awaits us. On this mysterious pilgrimage we will find that when we do meet difficulties and sorrows, they were not meant to stop us but to form the character required for our great harvest in the coming season. Step into your future, Precious One. Something wonderful awaits you." (Stepping Up by Beth Moore)
It spoke volumes. I can't allow myself to start doubting God. As the girls in group constantly remind me, God doesn't want me to be in this situation. He is allowing it for a time, and for a purpose. So now how do I move to the "next level" as Beth Moore says? Take it a day at a time I guess. So tomorrow is day one. With everything I do, I am going to ask God, "how can I glorify you right now?" If I can try as hard to praise him, as I do worrying about me for one whole day, maybe I can do it for 2. Or 3. Or more. And hopefully, not only will it take me one step closer to God, but one step closer to the happiness and peace I've lost.
Thanks Taylor. And thanks Hannah girls.

Jesus Calms the Storm

Tonight Randy was preaching about peace. He told the story about Jesus calming the storm and how peace is something Jesus attained from his hours of prayer and "me time" with the father. We've heard it before: No Jesus. No Peace. Know Jesus. Know Peace. So how come peace is so elusive right now?

Jesus Calms the Storm
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

In so many ways, this is my life right now. I KNOW Jesus. He's in my boat for Pete's sake!?!! But there is this massive storm swirling around me and my mind is completely wrapped up in how I am going to manage to survive it. I look to my friends, but they are all worried about how THEY will make it through the storm they are facing also. I'm crying out to God (just as I imagine the disciples would...) " Jesus!?!?! Where is he? He can stop this, or at least protect me from it! JESUS!!!!" But where is Jesus? Asleep. I've said before I felt that God was being silent in my life. Then he began speaking, and for several weeks, I felt him closeby again. But today, right now, in the storm, I look around and find Jesus sleeping. Not fighting the storm. Not quieting the winds.
So here I am. Screaming in the wind and rain. Scared of what's crashing in on top of me and being as loud as I can to wake up the Lord, so he'll calm it all. Sometimes he lets the strom rage and quiets his children. If that's on the horizon, I'll take it! But for right now all I see is wind and rain and feel my heart racing harder and harder.
How do you push the fear and hurt aside to make room for the peace and patience?

I LOVE YOUR BLOG

Well...this reminds me of myspace and email forwards, but why not? not very often you get nominated for a blog award, right?

Answer in one word? hmmmm....

1. Where is your cell phone? couch

2. Where is your significant other? Penson

3. Your haircolor? streaks

4. Your mother? vacation

5. Your father? same

6. Your favorite thing? chocolate

7. Your dream last night? babies

8. Your dream/goal? babies

9. The room you're in? living

10. Your hobby? painting

11. Your fear? infertile

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? kindergarten

13. Where were you last night? Melanie's

14. What you're not? pregnant :(

15. One of your wish-list items? wii

16. Where you grew up? Lubbock

17. The last thing you did? cooked

18. What are you wearing? clothes

19. Your TV? sony

20. Your pet? none

21. Your computer? laptop

22. Your mood? eager

23. Missing someone? carrie

24. Your car? RAV!!!

25. Something you're not wearing? hat

26. Favorite store? Maurices

27. Your summer? tedious

28. Love someone? Joey

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. When is the last time you cried? Today

Big weekend for me!

My weekend was so fantastic! I went out with Amy and Audrey on Friday and sat talking for hours at Red Robin. On Saturday I went to see the COLOR PURPLE musical with my inlaws and my hubby (can't beat a good musical!) But Sunday was the big day. 2 HUGE events!
First of all, my old roommate, maid of honor at my wedding, Melanie had her baby! Here are a couple of pics of me and Joe with Grady Cole Henderson.

And the 3 hours I've waited for since 5th grade...

NKOTB REUNION TOUR!!!!

I saw NKOTB when I was 11 with my Mom. It was the highlight of my young life, as I ADORED these boys. So when I found out they were not only back together, but touring?!?!? Oh my!!! I MUST BE THERE! So I went with 4 other girlfriends to the event of the year...to see those heart-throbs from the late 80's, known as NKOTB!

The concert was awesome! They did all their old hits, even the old dances. We screamed, we sang, we danced. It was such a blast! So here's a few of my favorite pics from this amazing night... Big Finale??? Hangin' Tough, of course!!!

"I'll Be Lovin' You Forever"...I WILL be lovin you boys forever. :)

Oh to be on that floor right now. I think Amanda would have hyperventilated and dropped like a rock.

"Please Don't Go Girl" Joey really doesn't want me to go. Look! He's on his knees for goodness sake!

Look how they point to us and we point to them. Awww. (No we are not on the front row. Nowhere close to that).

Yeah...you know it. We're hangin tough

my boys then and now...time has been good, eh?

And now...and ode to each member. Why I love them and why they are now and forever my favorite boy band...

Jordan Knight. You still can hit those insane high notes. How do you do it? And how does your body look like that when you are easily 10 or more years older than me?!?! I remember my first boyfriend asking me out on a note...left on my Jordan doll. (Yeah, I had one...complete with the rat-tail hair.) The highlight of the night was the "Didn't I Blow Your Mind" with your open shirt flapping in the wind. Classic.

Jonathan Knight. You may be Jordan's brother. You may be the strong, silent type. You may even have anxiety issues that casue you never to be in the spotlight or soloing. But I love you none the less. You can still dance like you could 15 years ago. To that, I tip my hat. Ah...Joey McIntyre. You were my favorite. Sure, I loved Jordan. (Who didn't). But I secretly believed I could marry you since you were the youngest. Instead, I found my own singin Joey. :) You sounded amazing last night and I'm pulling for a Joey solo career! Oh! And thanks for singing "Please Don't Go Girl" just for me. Danny Wood. Let's face it, you never were the looker of the group. But you do have amazing biceps now. And come to think of it, you always were the muscle man of the group. Rock on, man.
Donnie Wahlberg. You're a Wahlberg. What more needs to be said? In the words of Amy last night, "that momma made some pretty fine boys."

Who was your favorite Kid? Or weren't you a blockhead too?

things are looking up

So my friend Jamie does this thing called THE HAPPY LIST. She keeps track of things that are funny, amusing, or just smile worthy and jots them in a journal she carries in her purse. She's done this since high school and it's really fun to go back and read them. In a mere 4 or 5 words, we can remember an entire evening of hillarity from college.

My mom has been suggesting that I start writing down 3 things that make me happy every day. Just to keep in perspective how good my life really is. So in that spirit...here are a few things I've found to be happy about this week.

1. Gas keeps getting cheaper! I found it for $2.59 today!

2. Kids who talk like grown-ups. Here was an exchange today:

Me: How do we find the middle of the oval? (We're drawing faces)

Ricardo: I'm going to use one of my strategies to solve this problem.

Me: What?!!?

Ricardo: You know, a strategy? I'm gonna use one from first grade. If I use my fingers I can find the middle fast.

3. The state fair! I LOVE fried stuff with cheese! :) We tried chicken fried bacon. Not all that. But we DID see a bunch of great stuff, including a zebra, a camel, and a giraffe!

4. The circus! On Wednesday Joe and I went to the Shrine Circus with our new friends James and Kristen. It was AWESOME! How come we don't go to the circus as adults? It's incredible! The contortionists? The tight rope walkers? The motorcycle steel cage? It's fantastic! And spending some quality time with new friends is always enjoyable too!

5. Painting. I'm still painting more furniture. And I LOVE IT!!! It's therepuetic to me. Wish I had enough time to work on it every day.

6. Things to look forward to this weekend. Two MAJOR ones.....going to see the Color Purple Musical with my husband and his parents tomorrow. And...the big day has finally arrived....a day I have waited for for months now....NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! I'm going with 4 girlfriends to see them in concert in Dallas on Sunday night! Whoohoo!!!! Look for a post about THAT on Monday!

okay...this one IS sad

I'm at a real low point this week. I can't seem to be happy about anything. I know you've been there...everything seems wrong...work, friends, home, everything. That's where I am right now. And the fact that I'm on hormone medication is making it worse (I think). I'm on a higher dosage than I was on cycle one and I find myself crying ALL THE TIME. Really! I've been awake for 15 minutes and already have cried.
So just a rundown of why my life is making me crazy right now....
1. School bites. The kids are so difficult this year. To the point that I am doing kindergarten lessons with second grade due to the fact that they can't listen or act like they've been in my class for 2 years already. I've had about 15 kids pee in my room and one poop. (YEP! On the floor...and he was a 1st grader!!!) Teachers are on edge with so much work and their own discipline problems. It's been a really rough start.
2. Baby stuff (of course). My friend Jamie and I were going to plan a pledge class reunion this year (10 years since we pledged GATA), but we kinda dropped the ball. Jamie sent an email finding out if anyone was still planning to go and now the replies are coming in. So many are not coming because they "just had a baby" or "are due any day now" or have stuff with their kids already on the calendar that weekend. So everytime I read one of those I cry again. How come everyone else has a family? How come everyone else is havign their first babies right now? Why not me? I also got upset at work as I found out a drug addicted set of parents (whose kids are MAJOR discipline issues at school) are preg with #6. Mom says they are stopping at 6 since the government doesn't pay after that one. How can this go on? How can I still have an empty womb when there are druggies funding their addictions with their ability to concieve?!?!? It's TERRIBLEY unfair! I'm just at the bottom of the pit again on all this baby stuff...
3. Friends. I'm starting to realize that I don't have many. Not close ones anyways. My best friend (amy) is getting close to girls in Granbury now (which we knew would happen eventually) and I am so scared of what that means for me. We never go out with anyone except the Tindells, unless we do the asking. So mostly it's just me and Joe. What's a girl to do? I felt this way when I first got married too. I had left my church and placed membership at Joe's church. I knew everyone, but no one well. Then Amy came along and we clicked right away. So...I don't know what to do from here. Maybe we kind of segregated ourselves when we got so tight with the Tindells. I just feel really alone in general.

Was this all too much? Probably. Blogs are for venting tho, right? Got some advice? Got some wise words? Leave me a comment. That's actually another thing that makes me sad. I check my blog for comments and have one person say anything. (thanks Carrie!) I'm horrible at commenting too. But comments are what lets us know someone out there cares. right?

That's so sad...

Last night Joe and I did something I love to do...PAINT! We moved all the furniture out of our guest room and painted it the color I want for the future nursery. "That is so sad....that poor girl is painting a baby room and has no baby!" I don't see it that way at all. :) I see it as having complete faith that the baby is coming! I'm just getting ready to bring him/her into this house! As I was looking at the new green room before bed, I was picturing where the crib (or cribs) will go. Where will that dresser I painted sit? Where is my rocking chair going to be? I imagined rocking my sweet baby and groggily feeding him/her at 2am. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of what I will get to experience in this room. (needless to say, my current cycle is going well....slow...but good.)
So as I was having these daydreams about my future, I spotted something on the floor. A penny. My granny (mom's mom) was known for finding pennies. She found them everywhere she went. Or so I've been told. She died when I was 7. Every time we find a penny, my mom says something about Granny must be watching us. It's funny how we always find them at special times...birthday parties, graduations, my wedding. It was nice to see that Granny is here as I am getting ready to be a mommy. I've thought a lot about Granny the past week or so. When she died I didn't really know how to deal with it. Then one day it just hit me and I fell apart. Dad said he thought that's how I was handling our miscarriage too. Accept it, and let the weight of it hit you later on. I've missed not having my Granny. I missed getting to introduce her to my fiance or take pictures with her in my wedding dress. I missed that hug when I came off the stage at high school and college graduations. And I will miss her when I have her great-grandbaby in my arms. It's nice to think that maybe she is holding the one we lost right now tho. I thought a lot last night about what my relationship would be with her if she was still here. Would we be close? Would I call her like I call mom, just to talk and catch her up? I like to think so. I like to think that she would've been another best friend of mine. Losing grandparents so early makes it hard. (I lost 3 of my 4 by age 10).
So...this post is kind of sad, but not really. :) I'm happy to anticipate pregnancy and I'm happy to imagine what Granny would be doing if she were here.

ideas....

I am working on my furniture painting almost every day now. I have the coffee table finished (and not how I started it at all!!), the console table, an end table and a drawered table all done. YAHOO!!! I am about to start on my kids' table and chairs set. I'm not sure what to do with it. Joe says just paint it in primary colors, but I want to make it something unique. I am thinking that it needs to have a theme, maybe from a book?!? What ideas do you have? Gals with kids, what would be cute for a little coloring/playdough work table for your kids? Right now I'm thinking Dr.Seuss. Maybe "Cat in the Hat?" I also like "Green Eggs and Ham." Give me some advice! I want to draw it off this weekend so I can start painting on Monday!!