The Tracks of my Tears

Back in April, my mother in law had a prayer session for me with women from church. My best friend Amy gave me two things that have become a mainstay of everyday life for me. One is the Willow Tree set of prayer partners. It's two brunette girls, holding hands in prayer. Ironically, one has longer hair and one has shorter...just like me and Amy. It sits on my nightstand and I look at it every night and every morning. It reminds me of the friend who prays for my future as I pray for hers.

The other gift she gave me hides away in the depths of my purse most days. But I know it's there. I see it when I dig for my keys. It gets caught in the zipper and shoved into the corners, but it's always there when I need it. It's a hankerchief. I've never had one before, but Amy gave it to me for this reason: it's to catch all the tears I will cry in this process...both happy AND sad. And it has done that well. I've cried over friends finding out they are pregnant while I am not. I've used it through 2 baby dedications. I've used it when I found I was going to have a baby at last! And I used it again when I found out I wouldn't stay pregnant for long. Amy has even held it as she's cried through her hurts these past few weeks. It has been in my hand through all the love and heartache. So when Joe told me I needed to wash it and people tried to throw it away as a dirty tissue this past week, I had a hard time letting go of it. It holds all my tears. It reminds me that God is catching every single tear I cry and holding it in his hand. How can throw away or wash away that reminder?

But then I started thinking about an activity we did with the campers at Kadesh one year. They had these sheets that were all marked up with the pain and fear they had about themselves. They wore them all week. The last morning, we took them out to a field of crosses and their sheets were all gleaming white, nailed to a cross. It was a great visual of God taking away the pain, the fear, the heartaches. It occured to me I could do that with this hankerchief. It could be a release and way to let go of what's happened these past few months. So I gently hand washed my hanky and smiled as I looked at it's new appearance. Those tears I've shed are no longer there.