one week down

Today was a day I was dreading...going to church the first time since the news. I made up my mind I was going to hold it together, not cry. Too many people don't even know I was ever pregnant. So we sat down and I had a few people come hug me. I kept my mouth shut, knowing if I opened it, I would start crying. So far so good. Right before service started, my little boyfriend Mac(3) and his brother Conner(5) came running down our pew to us. **They have attempted sitting with us before, but never made it thru a whole service. Well today, Mac made it through. (conner...no...) Mac sat with me, folded his hands during prayers, stood when we sang. All of it. I was impressed. I felt like a mom those few moments and was happy to have my little munchkin to watch over. About 20 mins in, he told Joe he needed to go to the bathroom. Joe suggested he go tell his mom so she could take him. He said, "No Joe! I want Rachel to go with me!" So I did. That really makes you feel like a mom to take a kid out in the middle of church. When we came back in, it was time to go put money in the jar at the front (Coins for Christ, where the kids make their "donations"). I gave Mac a dollar and off he went. I sat back down in time to see him barrelling down the aisle, away from mom, and back to Rachel. We coerced him to go with her to BIG, but it was that breif few moments of pseudo-motherhood that was going to make this day bearable for me. I stood without singing during the invitation, konwing fullwell I would lose it after being preached to about faithfulness.
After church, I had a heart to heart with a fellow infertility sufferer and then wandered into class sniffling and teary. We said nothing during prayer requests. But my sweet, sweet friend Emily broke down in the middle of class, desperate to pray for us. So we stopped everything, were surrounded and prayed for.
The rest of the day was easier. Conner sat with me at lunch, while Mac and mom and dad were at another table. (More mothering for me). And tonight, Conner sat with us at evening services. Those boys go through spells where they love us, and thank God they did today. It was somethign I really needed. So thanks, Dills, for sharing your kids with us. We love them so much and cant wait to spend an overnight babysitting adventure with them soon.
We were singing tonight a youth group song really made my heart beat. It is something I've sung a million times, but never meant to me what it did tonight.
Lord, Reign in Me
Reign in your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord of all I am
So won't you reign in me again....
YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN ANY EARTHLY THING
So won't you reign in me again