joyful joyful

Joyful, Joyful Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Opening to the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness

Fill us with the light of day.

rough day

chances of InVitro ever working for us? 25-30%
not feeling great about things
joe's worse
not real sure where we go from here
keep praying that God opens a door somewhere and that we can find the handle and be brave enough to walk thru

oh yeah!

I forgot the happiest happy thus far! I chopped all my hair off! I know it is to the dismay of some (Brian Tindell) that my long curly locks are now in a dumpster somewhere, but summer is too far away and my hair was too long to be worth my while. Luckily, my sweet husband lets me do whatever I please to my hair, so I got it summer short just in time for the last 8 weeks of school! (yes, there are only 6 left now, meaning I've had this over 2 weeks now!) Here's old me and new me!

It's always something...

We were due to meet with Dr. Kevin again tomorrow at 3:30, but have been cancelled. What a surprise, right? We are now due to see him on Friday at 4:30. Pray for peace. Pray for a plan. Pray for a possibility. We need them all.

Saturday I was very blessed by my sweet mother in law. She called together many women from our church and families to come and pray with me and share faith stories from their own lives. It was amazing the feelings that were welling inside me when these ladies prayed over me and spoke so candidly about their own struggles. I am confident that God has this in control. I am confident that it will all be okay in the end. But the interim, the walking blindly with no end in sight...it's really hard. There is no sure footing so we are walking so slowly and carefully. I want to just jump and land on the other side! So...more to come on that soon.

This week has really been wonderful in spite of our trials. I was able to spend lots of time with my best friend Amy and with my new BFF Tanya. I found an old CD from my childhood that cracks me up (who else listened to AVB? "What's your tag say?" Anyone? We recieved over $800 back from property taxes this year (not income taxes, PROPERTY! God keeps sending us monetary blessings over and over...which is good since we are paying a lot out of pocket right now.) I bought a bunch of beautiful flowers at wholesale prices (of course they got hailed on,but...) I led a very popular booth at Science night at school, and I keep coming back to my new favorite movie, ENCHANTED. What could be cuter than this concept? I love old Disney, I love musicals, I love New York. It's just the best. And the song "that's how you know," It just makes me smile every time! Especially when James Marsden yells "Giselle!" and bites his fist. Awesome! If you haven't seen this, you have to! It will make you feel like a little girl again.

So...the world is still turning, and I am still taking it one day at a time. God will provide. Baby Varney...coming sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. :)

and here we go again...

Couldnt hold on to that good feeling for too long, right?
We went to the doc again on Sunday and got more negative news. He's "very concerned" about our results from that appointment and wants us to come in again to discuss what we can do. I'm feeling scared and skeptical. Joe is sad, but optimistic. he really believes that we are meant to get pregnant on our own. I'm not so sure the odds are in our favor. So...pray for us. Harder. More. We go to the Doc to follow up on Tuesday....

Good news!

I could possibly be pregnant by mid June! WOW! Our appointment DID get to happen today and we did SO much! The doctor said everything looks really good and there is no reason I shouldn't have a good number of healthy eggs or be able to carry a baby to term, so that is very promising! So now we have to decide how quickly we want to begin...could be as early as the end of April! Wow....
The whole process will take just over 5 weeks from starting meds to injections to harvesting to fertilizing to implanting to finding out pregnant or not. Whew! That's pretty fast! So, begin praying that the things that need to happen fall into place, that Joe and I are both physically able to produce the necessary "ingredients" when they are needed for the baby recipe, and that we are successful in our first attempt with In Vitro. Right now I am feeling very optimisic! And...high possibility of twins, so get ready to hear that from us too!
Thanks for all the prayers! They are helping tremendously, so keep 'em coming!
OH! And if anyone has several thousand dollars laying around they don't need, send them our way! We are about go much further into debt!

AARGH!!!

We were supposed to meet our fertility doc today. Supposed to know what's going on with us today. Supposed to start our walk down In Vitro lane today. But no. Nothing works out the way its supposed to. Not for us. It's as if someone is doing everything in their power to keep us from having a baby. The storm last night knocked out power at the fertility center. So now I've spent another day off work for nothing, and am set back (yet again) on knowing/starting/doing anything to start my family with Joe. Its so frustrating...

words words words

This past weekend I went to Canton with my mother in law, her best friend Sherry, and Sherry's daughter in law. Fun right? It really was! It was great to escape life for a while. This week has been a doozy (to say the least.) Between my finding out a very close friend is unexpectedly pregnant (and I am NOT), another very close friend has had his wedding called off by his fiance, ANOTHER very close friend has had his heart broken by a girl he's been with over a year...it goes on and on.
So in Canton, I discovered the wide world of motivational phrases. It seemed that every corner I turned, I saw another one that spoke to me. And after a couple of weeks of crying and anger on a daily basis, it was nice to feel like hope could be restored in that crazy brain of mine. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. Life is about how you handle plan B.
2. God doesn't always calm the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and just calms his child.
3. When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step into the unknown darkness, of this we can be sure, Either God will provide something solid to stand or we will be taught to fly.
4. Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

And my favorite...
I believe in the sun, even if it does not shine. I believe in love, even if I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he's silent.

That's what I feel mostly now...that God is being silent. The lack of control that I have in this and the huge amount of fear of this unknown abyss has made me very pesimistic lately. And I think it's because I spend so much time praying and even yelling at God and I don't receive and answer. The waiting is the hardest part. Waiting for a baby, waiting for an unsuccessful IVF, waiting to adopt, waiting for triplets...who knows? Only God. And he hasn't told me yet...I wish he would. But until then, I am trying hard to hold on. Pray hard for me. Pray hard for Joe as he puts up with me. It is getting rougher every day.