In John chapter nine there is a story about a blind man healed by Jesus. When the people ask Jesus why he was born blind, they already have their own suspicions. In Bible days you were usually afflicted with some mality due to sins of your parents or yourself. In the Old Testament there are multiple reasons God would "close your womb" even! But Jesus says this man was not blind because of anyone's sin. He said it was so the glory of God could be seen in his life.
Right now I am going through roller coaster emotions. Lots of "what ifs" and "why mes" The problem is, there is no way to know the answer to any of those questions. I have to accept that. But it doesn't stop me from searching for answers. For now, that answer DOES bring me some comfort. God may be allowing these problems so that "the GLORY of God may be seen in my life." Maybe!
I shared this with my friend who is also having fertility problems and her response was this: "That was what I needed to hear. But is it bad I wish Jesus would spit on some mud and rub it on my ovaries so I could ovulate and get pregnant?" See...we still have a sense of humor!
Thanks for your prayers, notes and calls. Everyone of them seems to come right when I need some encouragement...so keep 'em comin!
Zeke
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Appointment set!
We will be meeting with a fertility specialist on April 10th at 12:00 Noon to begin preliminary plans for in vitro. Pray that everything falls into place, including the money we need, and that we are able to have a child in the next few months. I'm really struggling with this and I'm praying and hoping that God will hear my cries!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm crashing
I'm nervous. Every time I read a comment or have someone tell me, "you have such faith" I just laugh to myself. I am such a doubting Thomas. I have tried to push through the doubts, but it's so hard to ignore them. It's hard to have an unwavering faith ever, let alone day after day after day of uncertainty.
We found out today we will definately have to do invitro and more than likely, will have to do a specialized kind called ICSI: intracytoplasmic sperm injection. That is where they actually inject a sperm into an egg. 1 egg + 1 sperm = 1 embryo. I'm starting to worry that there won't be sperm when we need them. I'm starting to worry it won't work. I'm starting to wonder what will happen if we have to adopt and how will I feel about not having a 1/2Joe 1/2Rachel and no pregnancy to experience. I worry about what if we have multiples and it's more $ to put them in daycare than what I make. What if we can't afford our house anymore? But mostly it's what if this dream I've had since I was old enough to dream of being a mom is on God's NO list? It hurts to admit to myself that I may be that one in a million girl who just isn't going to be a mom, and that I can't control that.
So despite all my smiles and upbeat comments, my outlook today doesn't feel so sunny. I want to believe, but it's very hard for me to see the half full glass right now.
Joe's test results are all what we expected today. If you want to know specifics, let me know and I'll fill you in. He is on medication now that may (if they work) make some difference within 4 months. That would put in vitro/ ICSI for July for us. That's the timing we wanted. (Due date next April then...) Pray that things line up for us. Pray that God works his miracle in this early time for us. And pray for my sanity. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the ups and downs. But mostly I'm tired of being afraid and doubtful.
We found out today we will definately have to do invitro and more than likely, will have to do a specialized kind called ICSI: intracytoplasmic sperm injection. That is where they actually inject a sperm into an egg. 1 egg + 1 sperm = 1 embryo. I'm starting to worry that there won't be sperm when we need them. I'm starting to worry it won't work. I'm starting to wonder what will happen if we have to adopt and how will I feel about not having a 1/2Joe 1/2Rachel and no pregnancy to experience. I worry about what if we have multiples and it's more $ to put them in daycare than what I make. What if we can't afford our house anymore? But mostly it's what if this dream I've had since I was old enough to dream of being a mom is on God's NO list? It hurts to admit to myself that I may be that one in a million girl who just isn't going to be a mom, and that I can't control that.
So despite all my smiles and upbeat comments, my outlook today doesn't feel so sunny. I want to believe, but it's very hard for me to see the half full glass right now.
Joe's test results are all what we expected today. If you want to know specifics, let me know and I'll fill you in. He is on medication now that may (if they work) make some difference within 4 months. That would put in vitro/ ICSI for July for us. That's the timing we wanted. (Due date next April then...) Pray that things line up for us. Pray that God works his miracle in this early time for us. And pray for my sanity. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the ups and downs. But mostly I'm tired of being afraid and doubtful.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Hannah's Hope
I am reading a wonderful book called "Hannah's Hope" about how Hannah suffered through years of infertility only to birth one of the greatest men in the Bible...Samuel. It has made me take a better look at God's plan for infertile women in his word. There are so many, and they almost always give birth to someone of greatness. Here's an excerpt:
"Infertility took center stage in God's account of history as the establishment and continuation of the Israelites seemed to be in question. Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah was ninety when their child of promise was finally born. Isaac ,in turn, prayed for his barren wife, Rebekah, before God blaced twins within her womb. One of those boys, Jacob, also went on to taste fertility challenges. While he had twelve sons, only two came from his beloved wife, Rachel, who struggled through years of infertility, both "primary" and "secondary."
I've often wondered if Rachel's first son, Joseph, might also have battled to become a father. The Bible records only two sons for him, something rare in an age without birth control, when a large family was a sign of prestige."
Its always hard to see the big picture when you only hold one tiny piece. I know that it will all come together and make our picture perfect family eventually. Thank you to those of you who are praying for us daily and checking in, offering advice, and driving miles and miles to tell me your story and give me a hug. I love you guys! Pray for us tomorrow. We will be meeting with the urologist one last time to get the final word on pursuing invitro. Hopefully we will have a course of action by the end of April and begin the process in May. Love you guys!
"Infertility took center stage in God's account of history as the establishment and continuation of the Israelites seemed to be in question. Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah was ninety when their child of promise was finally born. Isaac ,in turn, prayed for his barren wife, Rebekah, before God blaced twins within her womb. One of those boys, Jacob, also went on to taste fertility challenges. While he had twelve sons, only two came from his beloved wife, Rachel, who struggled through years of infertility, both "primary" and "secondary."
I've often wondered if Rachel's first son, Joseph, might also have battled to become a father. The Bible records only two sons for him, something rare in an age without birth control, when a large family was a sign of prestige."
Its always hard to see the big picture when you only hold one tiny piece. I know that it will all come together and make our picture perfect family eventually. Thank you to those of you who are praying for us daily and checking in, offering advice, and driving miles and miles to tell me your story and give me a hug. I love you guys! Pray for us tomorrow. We will be meeting with the urologist one last time to get the final word on pursuing invitro. Hopefully we will have a course of action by the end of April and begin the process in May. Love you guys!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
music and lyrics
So I went to visit my brother and meet his girlfriend for Spring Break. Sounds great, right? Yeah...we went to church on Sunday. I met Cyndi mere moments before I learned what the sermon was on...BABY DEDICATION SERVICE. Can't a girl get a break sometime?!?! 3 sermons heard this year...3 sermons about babies...3 emotional breakdowns. Just when I thought I was over the hump.
So anyways...I've been listening to a couple of songs over and over and reading a wonderful book called Hannahs Hope. More on that to come. In the meantime, here are some of my words of comfort echoing in my head...and my car as I drive along I20!
Faith To Be Strong
from "Carried Along"Words by Andrew Peterson
Give us faith to be strongFather, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Who Am I
by Casting Crowns
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
So anyways...I've been listening to a couple of songs over and over and reading a wonderful book called Hannahs Hope. More on that to come. In the meantime, here are some of my words of comfort echoing in my head...and my car as I drive along I20!
Faith To Be Strong
from "Carried Along"Words by Andrew Peterson
Give us faith to be strongFather, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope
Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.
Who Am I
by Casting Crowns
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Friday, March 14, 2008
how often do you get to have a lingerie shower for yourself?
Once, right? There's that inevitable day when you have your "personal shower" (as some say) and all your friends (and maybe your mother-in-law and her friends too) buy you fun things to wear for your husband.
Well, in college there were a slew of lingerie showers for the engaged girls our senior year, but several of us GATAs were without men in our lives. Someone had the brilliant idea to have a party for all us single gals! We traded names and sizes and everyone brought and got a gift! We played silly shower games and had prizes and all kinds of looney fun!
Now, several years later and a couple years into marriage, I have experienced another of these showers. The young married women at church have been immeasurably blessed to have just completed a study on what God intends for sex in your marriage. We read a book called INTIMATE ISSUES and have spent 12 weeks discovering what God had planned when he first put Adam and Eve together. It's been an incredible study with only one way we could really celebrate its conclusion...a lingerie shower for ourselves!
Wednesday night we held the shower at my house, complete with fondue, games, and random door prizes (a Barry White cd, a belly dancing instructional video, candle and perfume sets, etc.) It was SO FUN! We dedcided it should be an annual event now for our class! These past few weeks have been so wonderful to bond this group of young ladies together that we want to spend more and more time together, and I look forward to what is in store in the upcoming months.
But for now, I am thankful to have all of this newly acquired knowledge and some new lingerie that I didn't buy myself! Girls, if your church is open minded enough to let you do this, it really was a fantastic study. I recommend each of you married ladies read the book, if not study it with a group. It brought out so many issues in each of us and really made us examine our own minds and hearts and what we are willing to give to our husbands. And it has made me so much more aware of the complexity of God and how we are designed so purposefully. We DO serve and awesome Lord!
Well, in college there were a slew of lingerie showers for the engaged girls our senior year, but several of us GATAs were without men in our lives. Someone had the brilliant idea to have a party for all us single gals! We traded names and sizes and everyone brought and got a gift! We played silly shower games and had prizes and all kinds of looney fun!
Now, several years later and a couple years into marriage, I have experienced another of these showers. The young married women at church have been immeasurably blessed to have just completed a study on what God intends for sex in your marriage. We read a book called INTIMATE ISSUES and have spent 12 weeks discovering what God had planned when he first put Adam and Eve together. It's been an incredible study with only one way we could really celebrate its conclusion...a lingerie shower for ourselves!
Wednesday night we held the shower at my house, complete with fondue, games, and random door prizes (a Barry White cd, a belly dancing instructional video, candle and perfume sets, etc.) It was SO FUN! We dedcided it should be an annual event now for our class! These past few weeks have been so wonderful to bond this group of young ladies together that we want to spend more and more time together, and I look forward to what is in store in the upcoming months.
But for now, I am thankful to have all of this newly acquired knowledge and some new lingerie that I didn't buy myself! Girls, if your church is open minded enough to let you do this, it really was a fantastic study. I recommend each of you married ladies read the book, if not study it with a group. It brought out so many issues in each of us and really made us examine our own minds and hearts and what we are willing to give to our husbands. And it has made me so much more aware of the complexity of God and how we are designed so purposefully. We DO serve and awesome Lord!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Quick update...
Joe and I have completed our multiple rounds of fertility testing and are coming out still in one piece on the other side! Hooray! I have gotten the green light on all of my tests so far, so praise God!!! I can carry a baby if one ever finds it's way into my belly! My spirits are up considerably, as are Joe's which makes for a much happier household. On March 25th we will be meeting once more with Joe's doctors. Joe and I are opting to expect the most out of this...so we are expecting InVitro and from that, we are expecting triplets. (better to be overprepared we say!) It's nice to be through the beginning stages of greif (anger, resentment, bargaining) and on to acceptance.
We know that God has a plan for us and we trust him completely. Do I still get angry when I see yet another unwed mother at school pregnant with child #7 by man #7? Yes. Does it hurt my heart for kids to say, "you ain't got no kids?" Yes. (for grammatical reasons as well as emotional). Do I still cry for no reason at baby commercials, baby clothes, and strangers with their newborns? Absolutely. But I know that is all because God has put such a strong desire in me to be a mom. It's going to happen. It may cost my more money than what is in my bank account, more tears than I have cummulatively shed in my lifetime, and for sure, more time than I anticipated...but no one will love their baby like we will. We have prayed, toiled and will continue to suffer for our family. And we'll be happy we did one day soon.
To add to my hardships, I have learned of 2 more friends struggling with infertility. One, is an amazing girl, who may as well be my sister. She is beginning her journey through this and I'm happy to be on a more joyful side as I walk with her through her greif. And another friend, I only know through blogging, who has only been pregnant 3 months has gotten devastating news about her unborn baby and a chromosome disorder that may take it's life.
Those of you who have children, be overly and abundantly thankful for them! There are many of us who long to be in your place!
We know that God has a plan for us and we trust him completely. Do I still get angry when I see yet another unwed mother at school pregnant with child #7 by man #7? Yes. Does it hurt my heart for kids to say, "you ain't got no kids?" Yes. (for grammatical reasons as well as emotional). Do I still cry for no reason at baby commercials, baby clothes, and strangers with their newborns? Absolutely. But I know that is all because God has put such a strong desire in me to be a mom. It's going to happen. It may cost my more money than what is in my bank account, more tears than I have cummulatively shed in my lifetime, and for sure, more time than I anticipated...but no one will love their baby like we will. We have prayed, toiled and will continue to suffer for our family. And we'll be happy we did one day soon.
To add to my hardships, I have learned of 2 more friends struggling with infertility. One, is an amazing girl, who may as well be my sister. She is beginning her journey through this and I'm happy to be on a more joyful side as I walk with her through her greif. And another friend, I only know through blogging, who has only been pregnant 3 months has gotten devastating news about her unborn baby and a chromosome disorder that may take it's life.
Those of you who have children, be overly and abundantly thankful for them! There are many of us who long to be in your place!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
