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Friday, October 16, 2009


I'm not sure really where to start on this rant. It's been somethign building for over 2 years and while I thought I had overcome my anger with it, it came rushing back today.

One of the worst things about being an infertile couple is not that you can't have that baby...but that everyone else CAN. And lots of time it feels like you are the only one in this boat, just floating along in a sea of lonliness. Talking about it, praying about it, yelling about it, or crying about it still leave you floating with no life vest.

Randy is doing a series about faith in the hard times. If you are at all intersted in them, go to Woodland West C of C's website and listen to a sermon. I've only heard one, but it brought me to tears. There is something about saying you are hurting that take such courage. And once you admit it, it's hard to contain all the pain that's welled up. When Randy was talking about that sense of lonliness and that feeling that God is ignoring you, the feelings of the past 2 years came flooding in. He talked about how uncomfortable we are with eachother's pain. It's easy to focus inward and not worry about or really try to understand what others are going thru. That's why we feel alone in that sea. No one is reaching out because they either don't know how, or are afloat in a different ocean all their own. I know we felt like that often....actually most of the time. Even tho we knew we had hundereds upon hundreds of people praying for us, the fact that it was to akward to talk about with us for most people, made it the elephant in the room more than not.

And now I'm on the other side of the fight, pregnant, happy, healthy and getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting closer to the day I will feel movement in me and know if there is a Zeke or a Zoe in there....yet my heart is hurting for so many of my friends who can't share that same joy.

Thursday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. ( a mouthful, I know.) I'm sad to think I'm in a group that needs to remember a loss. And last night we got a little sad talking about how not just me, but 2 other close girlfriends SHOULD have newborns right now, who will all grow up together and be friends like us. But all 3 of us lost those pregnancies last fall. Today I learned of another close friend whose first sono showed a baby...with no heartbeat. And so I got another tearful phone call to discuss D and Cs and miscarriage. Another friend who is facing a new set of problems she didn't know were there and new set of options she thought were off the table. And I know there are countless more who struggle in silence.

Mom keeps telling me I've been through this to serve as a lifetime ministry. I have been through things and experienced heartaches that can help others in so many ways. But it breaks my heart to know that my victory won't be shared by all of them. We serve a mighty God who makes dreams come true and miracles happen. And I'm so unworthy to be one of these lost floating souls who recieved that mercy...and got my heart's greatest desire. But my tears are still rolling for those couples who still wait...feeling alone and helpless. And I just wonder why this has to be this way for so many of us.

So I pray tonight for strength to be a support for those around me who are looking for someone to hold onto. To get over myself and remember these girls who still long for what I have. And Lord, please, be with those 2 friends with broken hearts tonight. Hold them close to you and assure them that your plan is greater than they can imagine...and that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

1 comment:

Penny Chapa said...

You really should write a book! Your words are so insightful and hopeful. I'm sorry for your friends, but I know you will minister to them in a way others can't.