Because HE Lives

This song touched my heart this morning. I have had a good 3 week stint with no downward dips in my emotions. Yesterday was a little tough, but I powered through! This morning we got to the verse about newborn babies and I realized how true the words I sang were.


God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,Just because He lives!

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,Just because He lives!

Mother's Day...THE PREQUEL

So...my sweet boy and our best friends did something incredible this weekend...we hid. It being Mother's Day and all, Amy and I didn't want to deal with the inevitable emotions we would face. So we packed up Friday and headed to Dodd City, Tx. population 419 (or 423 this weekend). Our friend Reagan (same one who got us in the Macy's Parade in November) has a log cabin in the woods that he offered to us. It was the most fun I have had in SO LONG!!! I expected a fun weekend, but this was just plain AWESOME!

There is way more to say that I can write here, so let me run through it in list form (ala Happy List):

Happies from the weekend:

1. Eating a fried food feast in Windom, Tx at the Feed Sack

2. 4-wheelers in an open meadow of wildflowers

3. Floating in a boat on a secluded pond

4. Campfires in the dead of night

5. climbing the side of a house

6. breakfast outside in the cool of the morning

7. kissing in the barn while the rain pours down

8. chocolate cobbler!!!

9. dragging a boat on an old mattress

10. buying a cowboy hat

11. watching arrested development all piled up on one huge bed

12. cows that follow you

13. and most importantly...KNOWING GOD WILL MAKE NEXT MOTHER'S DAY EVEN BETTER...no matter what that means for the 4 of us

Here are some pics from the trip. Enjoy!

Taylor

Many of you know that when I first moved here I attended church with Melanie at North Richland Hills Church of Christ. Yes, it WAS big. Yes, I DID feel lost in the crowd. But it was also a place that let me explore being a leader and find where to belong within a congregation. I left there 3 ½ years ago to be with my sweetheart at Woodland West. I didn’t know that I would end up at RHCC again many years later.

RHCC is a great place if you are in need of help. And right now, I am! My good friend Amy and I joined a support group last week at RHCC. It is called the Hannah Group and it is for girls suffering with infertility or miscarriage. If you know anyone in that category, get them out here to Hannah Group! We have only been once, but it has already been a huge blessing to both of us.

I have a “friend” (I’ve never actually met her) named Taylor. She has been through infertility and now has a baby on the way. Unfortunately, little Nathan has a rare affliction called Trisomy 13. He will never see his house because IF he is born, he will only live a precious few minutes. Taylor is one of those amazing people who seem to have faith despite all odds. Her story, emails, blogs and friendship daily brings me encouragement and hope.

Last night she had a post that absolutely changed me. She was talking about Narnia and how Lucy explains to Mr. Tumnus that Aslan is not a tame lion. And she goes on to explain how God is not tame, but is always good and faithful. But here is what really stuck with me…she said she feels like she is walking in the rain. No sunshine. No happiness. In fact, she can’t remember the last time she felt happy. (been there!) But she says when she stops to think that Jesus actually DIED for her…she can’t feel sorry for herself. In her words, “Christ didn’t go to the cross with a smile on his face either. But the SON did rise again.”

These past few days have felt normal for the first time in a long time. I know the pendulum will swing again soon, but for now I am content and that’s enough. We have decided to go ahead with InVitro and pray that God allows that 30% to be an afterthought for us. If he wants us to adopt, we will. I feel really good about that option too.

Continue to pray for us. And if you are interested, read Taylor’s Blog. She’ll strengthen your faith, just as she does mine. http://tstapes.blogspot.com/

joyful joyful

Joyful, Joyful Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Opening to the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Giver of immortal gladness

Fill us with the light of day.

rough day

chances of InVitro ever working for us? 25-30%
not feeling great about things
joe's worse
not real sure where we go from here
keep praying that God opens a door somewhere and that we can find the handle and be brave enough to walk thru

oh yeah!

I forgot the happiest happy thus far! I chopped all my hair off! I know it is to the dismay of some (Brian Tindell) that my long curly locks are now in a dumpster somewhere, but summer is too far away and my hair was too long to be worth my while. Luckily, my sweet husband lets me do whatever I please to my hair, so I got it summer short just in time for the last 8 weeks of school! (yes, there are only 6 left now, meaning I've had this over 2 weeks now!) Here's old me and new me!

It's always something...

We were due to meet with Dr. Kevin again tomorrow at 3:30, but have been cancelled. What a surprise, right? We are now due to see him on Friday at 4:30. Pray for peace. Pray for a plan. Pray for a possibility. We need them all.

Saturday I was very blessed by my sweet mother in law. She called together many women from our church and families to come and pray with me and share faith stories from their own lives. It was amazing the feelings that were welling inside me when these ladies prayed over me and spoke so candidly about their own struggles. I am confident that God has this in control. I am confident that it will all be okay in the end. But the interim, the walking blindly with no end in sight...it's really hard. There is no sure footing so we are walking so slowly and carefully. I want to just jump and land on the other side! So...more to come on that soon.

This week has really been wonderful in spite of our trials. I was able to spend lots of time with my best friend Amy and with my new BFF Tanya. I found an old CD from my childhood that cracks me up (who else listened to AVB? "What's your tag say?" Anyone? We recieved over $800 back from property taxes this year (not income taxes, PROPERTY! God keeps sending us monetary blessings over and over...which is good since we are paying a lot out of pocket right now.) I bought a bunch of beautiful flowers at wholesale prices (of course they got hailed on,but...) I led a very popular booth at Science night at school, and I keep coming back to my new favorite movie, ENCHANTED. What could be cuter than this concept? I love old Disney, I love musicals, I love New York. It's just the best. And the song "that's how you know," It just makes me smile every time! Especially when James Marsden yells "Giselle!" and bites his fist. Awesome! If you haven't seen this, you have to! It will make you feel like a little girl again.

So...the world is still turning, and I am still taking it one day at a time. God will provide. Baby Varney...coming sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. :)

and here we go again...

Couldnt hold on to that good feeling for too long, right?
We went to the doc again on Sunday and got more negative news. He's "very concerned" about our results from that appointment and wants us to come in again to discuss what we can do. I'm feeling scared and skeptical. Joe is sad, but optimistic. he really believes that we are meant to get pregnant on our own. I'm not so sure the odds are in our favor. So...pray for us. Harder. More. We go to the Doc to follow up on Tuesday....

Good news!

I could possibly be pregnant by mid June! WOW! Our appointment DID get to happen today and we did SO much! The doctor said everything looks really good and there is no reason I shouldn't have a good number of healthy eggs or be able to carry a baby to term, so that is very promising! So now we have to decide how quickly we want to begin...could be as early as the end of April! Wow....
The whole process will take just over 5 weeks from starting meds to injections to harvesting to fertilizing to implanting to finding out pregnant or not. Whew! That's pretty fast! So, begin praying that the things that need to happen fall into place, that Joe and I are both physically able to produce the necessary "ingredients" when they are needed for the baby recipe, and that we are successful in our first attempt with In Vitro. Right now I am feeling very optimisic! And...high possibility of twins, so get ready to hear that from us too!
Thanks for all the prayers! They are helping tremendously, so keep 'em coming!
OH! And if anyone has several thousand dollars laying around they don't need, send them our way! We are about go much further into debt!

AARGH!!!

We were supposed to meet our fertility doc today. Supposed to know what's going on with us today. Supposed to start our walk down In Vitro lane today. But no. Nothing works out the way its supposed to. Not for us. It's as if someone is doing everything in their power to keep us from having a baby. The storm last night knocked out power at the fertility center. So now I've spent another day off work for nothing, and am set back (yet again) on knowing/starting/doing anything to start my family with Joe. Its so frustrating...

words words words

This past weekend I went to Canton with my mother in law, her best friend Sherry, and Sherry's daughter in law. Fun right? It really was! It was great to escape life for a while. This week has been a doozy (to say the least.) Between my finding out a very close friend is unexpectedly pregnant (and I am NOT), another very close friend has had his wedding called off by his fiance, ANOTHER very close friend has had his heart broken by a girl he's been with over a year...it goes on and on.
So in Canton, I discovered the wide world of motivational phrases. It seemed that every corner I turned, I saw another one that spoke to me. And after a couple of weeks of crying and anger on a daily basis, it was nice to feel like hope could be restored in that crazy brain of mine. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. Life is about how you handle plan B.
2. God doesn't always calm the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and just calms his child.
3. When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step into the unknown darkness, of this we can be sure, Either God will provide something solid to stand or we will be taught to fly.
4. Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

And my favorite...
I believe in the sun, even if it does not shine. I believe in love, even if I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he's silent.

That's what I feel mostly now...that God is being silent. The lack of control that I have in this and the huge amount of fear of this unknown abyss has made me very pesimistic lately. And I think it's because I spend so much time praying and even yelling at God and I don't receive and answer. The waiting is the hardest part. Waiting for a baby, waiting for an unsuccessful IVF, waiting to adopt, waiting for triplets...who knows? Only God. And he hasn't told me yet...I wish he would. But until then, I am trying hard to hold on. Pray hard for me. Pray hard for Joe as he puts up with me. It is getting rougher every day.

John Chapter 9

In John chapter nine there is a story about a blind man healed by Jesus. When the people ask Jesus why he was born blind, they already have their own suspicions. In Bible days you were usually afflicted with some mality due to sins of your parents or yourself. In the Old Testament there are multiple reasons God would "close your womb" even! But Jesus says this man was not blind because of anyone's sin. He said it was so the glory of God could be seen in his life.
Right now I am going through roller coaster emotions. Lots of "what ifs" and "why mes" The problem is, there is no way to know the answer to any of those questions. I have to accept that. But it doesn't stop me from searching for answers. For now, that answer DOES bring me some comfort. God may be allowing these problems so that "the GLORY of God may be seen in my life." Maybe!
I shared this with my friend who is also having fertility problems and her response was this: "That was what I needed to hear. But is it bad I wish Jesus would spit on some mud and rub it on my ovaries so I could ovulate and get pregnant?" See...we still have a sense of humor!
Thanks for your prayers, notes and calls. Everyone of them seems to come right when I need some encouragement...so keep 'em comin!

Appointment set!

We will be meeting with a fertility specialist on April 10th at 12:00 Noon to begin preliminary plans for in vitro. Pray that everything falls into place, including the money we need, and that we are able to have a child in the next few months. I'm really struggling with this and I'm praying and hoping that God will hear my cries!

I'm crashing

I'm nervous. Every time I read a comment or have someone tell me, "you have such faith" I just laugh to myself. I am such a doubting Thomas. I have tried to push through the doubts, but it's so hard to ignore them. It's hard to have an unwavering faith ever, let alone day after day after day of uncertainty.
We found out today we will definately have to do invitro and more than likely, will have to do a specialized kind called ICSI: intracytoplasmic sperm injection. That is where they actually inject a sperm into an egg. 1 egg + 1 sperm = 1 embryo. I'm starting to worry that there won't be sperm when we need them. I'm starting to worry it won't work. I'm starting to wonder what will happen if we have to adopt and how will I feel about not having a 1/2Joe 1/2Rachel and no pregnancy to experience. I worry about what if we have multiples and it's more $ to put them in daycare than what I make. What if we can't afford our house anymore? But mostly it's what if this dream I've had since I was old enough to dream of being a mom is on God's NO list? It hurts to admit to myself that I may be that one in a million girl who just isn't going to be a mom, and that I can't control that.
So despite all my smiles and upbeat comments, my outlook today doesn't feel so sunny. I want to believe, but it's very hard for me to see the half full glass right now.
Joe's test results are all what we expected today. If you want to know specifics, let me know and I'll fill you in. He is on medication now that may (if they work) make some difference within 4 months. That would put in vitro/ ICSI for July for us. That's the timing we wanted. (Due date next April then...) Pray that things line up for us. Pray that God works his miracle in this early time for us. And pray for my sanity. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the ups and downs. But mostly I'm tired of being afraid and doubtful.

Hannah's Hope

I am reading a wonderful book called "Hannah's Hope" about how Hannah suffered through years of infertility only to birth one of the greatest men in the Bible...Samuel. It has made me take a better look at God's plan for infertile women in his word. There are so many, and they almost always give birth to someone of greatness. Here's an excerpt:
"Infertility took center stage in God's account of history as the establishment and continuation of the Israelites seemed to be in question. Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah was ninety when their child of promise was finally born. Isaac ,in turn, prayed for his barren wife, Rebekah, before God blaced twins within her womb. One of those boys, Jacob, also went on to taste fertility challenges. While he had twelve sons, only two came from his beloved wife, Rachel, who struggled through years of infertility, both "primary" and "secondary."
I've often wondered if Rachel's first son, Joseph, might also have battled to become a father. The Bible records only two sons for him, something rare in an age without birth control, when a large family was a sign of prestige."
Its always hard to see the big picture when you only hold one tiny piece. I know that it will all come together and make our picture perfect family eventually. Thank you to those of you who are praying for us daily and checking in, offering advice, and driving miles and miles to tell me your story and give me a hug. I love you guys! Pray for us tomorrow. We will be meeting with the urologist one last time to get the final word on pursuing invitro. Hopefully we will have a course of action by the end of April and begin the process in May. Love you guys!

music and lyrics

So I went to visit my brother and meet his girlfriend for Spring Break. Sounds great, right? Yeah...we went to church on Sunday. I met Cyndi mere moments before I learned what the sermon was on...BABY DEDICATION SERVICE. Can't a girl get a break sometime?!?! 3 sermons heard this year...3 sermons about babies...3 emotional breakdowns. Just when I thought I was over the hump.
So anyways...I've been listening to a couple of songs over and over and reading a wonderful book called Hannahs Hope. More on that to come. In the meantime, here are some of my words of comfort echoing in my head...and my car as I drive along I20!

Faith To Be Strong
from "Carried Along"Words by Andrew Peterson
Give us faith to be strongFather, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong.

Who Am I
by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

how often do you get to have a lingerie shower for yourself?

Once, right? There's that inevitable day when you have your "personal shower" (as some say) and all your friends (and maybe your mother-in-law and her friends too) buy you fun things to wear for your husband.
Well, in college there were a slew of lingerie showers for the engaged girls our senior year, but several of us GATAs were without men in our lives. Someone had the brilliant idea to have a party for all us single gals! We traded names and sizes and everyone brought and got a gift! We played silly shower games and had prizes and all kinds of looney fun!
Now, several years later and a couple years into marriage, I have experienced another of these showers. The young married women at church have been immeasurably blessed to have just completed a study on what God intends for sex in your marriage. We read a book called INTIMATE ISSUES and have spent 12 weeks discovering what God had planned when he first put Adam and Eve together. It's been an incredible study with only one way we could really celebrate its conclusion...a lingerie shower for ourselves!
Wednesday night we held the shower at my house, complete with fondue, games, and random door prizes (a Barry White cd, a belly dancing instructional video, candle and perfume sets, etc.) It was SO FUN! We dedcided it should be an annual event now for our class! These past few weeks have been so wonderful to bond this group of young ladies together that we want to spend more and more time together, and I look forward to what is in store in the upcoming months.
But for now, I am thankful to have all of this newly acquired knowledge and some new lingerie that I didn't buy myself! Girls, if your church is open minded enough to let you do this, it really was a fantastic study. I recommend each of you married ladies read the book, if not study it with a group. It brought out so many issues in each of us and really made us examine our own minds and hearts and what we are willing to give to our husbands. And it has made me so much more aware of the complexity of God and how we are designed so purposefully. We DO serve and awesome Lord!

Quick update...

Joe and I have completed our multiple rounds of fertility testing and are coming out still in one piece on the other side! Hooray! I have gotten the green light on all of my tests so far, so praise God!!! I can carry a baby if one ever finds it's way into my belly! My spirits are up considerably, as are Joe's which makes for a much happier household. On March 25th we will be meeting once more with Joe's doctors. Joe and I are opting to expect the most out of this...so we are expecting InVitro and from that, we are expecting triplets. (better to be overprepared we say!) It's nice to be through the beginning stages of greif (anger, resentment, bargaining) and on to acceptance.
We know that God has a plan for us and we trust him completely. Do I still get angry when I see yet another unwed mother at school pregnant with child #7 by man #7? Yes. Does it hurt my heart for kids to say, "you ain't got no kids?" Yes. (for grammatical reasons as well as emotional). Do I still cry for no reason at baby commercials, baby clothes, and strangers with their newborns? Absolutely. But I know that is all because God has put such a strong desire in me to be a mom. It's going to happen. It may cost my more money than what is in my bank account, more tears than I have cummulatively shed in my lifetime, and for sure, more time than I anticipated...but no one will love their baby like we will. We have prayed, toiled and will continue to suffer for our family. And we'll be happy we did one day soon.
To add to my hardships, I have learned of 2 more friends struggling with infertility. One, is an amazing girl, who may as well be my sister. She is beginning her journey through this and I'm happy to be on a more joyful side as I walk with her through her greif. And another friend, I only know through blogging, who has only been pregnant 3 months has gotten devastating news about her unborn baby and a chromosome disorder that may take it's life.
Those of you who have children, be overly and abundantly thankful for them! There are many of us who long to be in your place!

Meltdown take 2

Imagine Wiley Coyote walking along. "Look at the beautiful sunset over there! Everything sure is going my way today..." He looks down and....FWOOOMP! He thought he was walking on ground, but...nope!

So Sunday we had yet another tumultuous time. Randy preached about children and their importance in Biblical history and at the end of service invited all the families to bring their children up to be prayed for. I knew he was going to do this. He told us earlier this week so we could bring the kids in from Bible Hour. But I still got teary. Now, when I get teary and am holding it in, if ANYONE talks to me, I fall apart. My good friend Kara saw I was teetering and came to check on me. Gushing tears all of a sudden. My mother in law holds me and prays with me, sad sighs in my direction from surrounding people, another batch of kleenex crumpled in my hands.

After church I cry through a series of people coming to talk to me about how infertility has touched their families, followed by Aud telling me my eyes are pretty when I cry. :) I go to class somewhat collected where someone in class announces....yes...they're pregnant. I get up and leave (a pre-imptive move) and go cry in the bathroom. My BFF in training, Tanya, follows me in and sits with me. It was great to have someone with me who didnt' want to offer advice. She knew I just needed her there next to me. After that I ran into Randy in the hall. I told him I'm not liking him so much right now...he keeps making me cry! He prayed with me and talked to me about things for a few minutes. During that talk he told me he had not intended on telling about he and his wife's struggle to have kids (the talk that sent Joe and I into an emotional downward spiral!) I told him I felt like he was preaching just to me that day.

I know God has this in control. I know something will happen for us one way or another. But those down days are really low. It takes everything happy out of me for a full 24 hours and its so hard to recover from. I guess that's the really hard part about this waiting time...we never know when we'll look down and the ground will be missing. FWOOMP!

happies and sads

well, after a few more days to digest the possibilities, I have to say that I am doing much better. Joe is joking about it a lot more (a good sign) and I havent severely cried over it in almost 2 weeks! I do find myself getting teary over little things tho...lyrics to a song, walking through the cute baby clothes at a shop with Mom and my girlfriends, seeing pregnant women at the supermarket.

But things aren't all sad. There are lots of joys getting me through right now. So here are just a few to prove I'm not as distraught as I could be...

1. We went to see my BFF's new house in Granbury and it is nothing short of AMAZING. I know where I'll be spending my summer this year! It is one of the most gorgeous houses I have ever set foot in and it is inspiring Joe and I to get on a better budget and start saving for our future awesome home!

2. My kids from Art Club and I are taking part in a big parade in Fort Worth in 2 weeks. We are the youngest of 900 kids participating and we are going to be Jungle Animals. Our masks are so cool...they are made out of packing tape, paint, tissue paper and glue. WOW. Who knew you could do so much with tape? We have 2 lions, 2 monkeys, 2 elephants, a zebra, tiger, giraffe, toucan, hippo and rhino. Here are a few of my favorites...
We are marching on March 8th, so be looking for future posts on that! We are makign costumes next week that the kids designed!

3. We have been doing a study on Wednesday nights called INTIMATE ISSUES. If you have never read this and you are a young married woman, I HIGHLY recommend it. And your husband will LOVE that you read it too. It is about what God intends for sex in your marriage and it has been a wonderful 11 weeks with the girls from my young marrieds class. We laugh so much and have really learned a lot about being better wives to our husbands. I have had a big smile each week tho, as I think about what a blessing my husband is. Last night a friend was saying in class how my husband has made her husband want to be better at loving her, cuz he sees how Joe treats and loves me when we are with them. Awww. Good Joey!

4. I am being so supported by people both here and far away that it makes it hard for me to not thing positively about my baby prognosis. There is no part of me that thinks this won't happen for us. There is no part of me that fears God won't bless us. I find myself wanting more and more faith with each passing day and I'm excited to see where he takes me along this journey. A new blog friend of mine has recently prevailed over this same struggle and she has encouraged me more than I can say. Her words uplift me when I'm feeling down and I keep going back to read them again and again. So thanks Taylor!

I leave you with lyrics (yet again) that made me cry this week. Some songs you've heard so many times you don't think about the words any more. I grew up listening to the Beatles but never paid attention to the words I guess. Jaime, thanks for the CD. This song is on perpetual repeat in my car...

LET IT BE

"And when the sky is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow...let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary (or GOD) comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. LET IT BE."

I'll let this be. And it WILL be alright in the end.