Day Three Part II: It's still raining

Its 11:45 and I am crying. Again. I cried for the first time today as Joe and I prayed together at bedtime. I want so badly to believe, but I'm finding it too hard right now. It's hard to expect a miracle when you see the cards stacked against you. It's like even the little stupid things that should be easy are going awry. As if being infertile wasn't hard enough.
"I'd've thought by now, Lord, you would have reached down and dried our tears away. Reached in and saved the day. But once again I say AMEN and it's still raining..." It's pouring. And I can't find my umbrella. But as I told Jeremy several weeks ago...from words painted on a board in Canton, Tx...SOMETIMES TO WEATHER THE STORM, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
I'll try my best, Lord. If you can't quiet this storm, at least draw me in and quiet my fears.

Day Three

"Anything that can go wrong...will."
Who knew that statement was talking about Rachel's ability to have a baby? We were in the waiting game for starting injections/having our "phase II appointment" to officially kick off our cycle. Between my calling back and forth between the bank and the doctor's office this AM to approve my mammoth payment, I got an email from the IVF coordinator (who apparently has no name...she's always referred to as "IVF COORDINATOR" both when spoken and written to me.)Her email said that they are waiting on info from Dr. Graves. Who??? Yeah, we were supposed to go see THEIR urologist to confirm that Joe will have TESE performed for the ICSI. They neglected to tell us that when were were twiddling our thumbs these last 2 months. (I'm a little ticked, can you tell?) So I called Joe, Dr. Graves, my doc, Joe again, Dr. Graves again, my doc again. We are going to see Dr. Graves on Wednesday morning. BUT....the IVF coordinator says it'll be next week before they get word back from him to my docs office, THEN they will schedule my phase II appointment to do a sonogram and start my Lupron shots. (so pray hard that we can do that by Wednesday of next week.) I asked about the timeline and she said it won't be until July30-Aug2 that they will do my retrieval! I thought that was the week we would find out if it worked and take my preg. tests! So basically, not only are we delaying starting, but the process is a week longer than we thought. I'm so frustrated and upset and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm afraid of what happens if it doesn't work. I thought I would have a week or two to get over it before I go back to work. Now I will be at work when we find out if I'm pregnant. It sucks. It really sucks.

Day Two

I am taking birth control pills. Again. And when I'm actually TRYING to have a baby. Wierd, huh? I have to regulate some of my hormones and such, so I am back on "the pill" for a few days here before I start my injections.
I am being pessimistic and worrying about the outcome of all of this, but Joe keeps reminding me I can choose to dwell on those what if negatives, or I can choose to follow the positives. He said he wants to hear me talking about when we are parents more often than talking about failure. Something to shoot for, right?
Today we went to the doctor's office after church to turn in all our paper work and money. It was the most money EVER to be put on my card...just over $11,000. And that's just the prepay amount. There will be more. And, we paid over $2000 for medication for me. You folks who are able to get pregnant the normal way, you are saving SO MUCH MONEY! Count that a blessing!!
Anyways...my bank wouldn't allow the transaction, probably since I NEVER put anything more than $100 or so on my card. So I have to get it approved by them tomorrow before the transaction can go through. All this to say...we are tied into this whole heartedly now. Pray for each day to go smoothly and each step to go better than expected from us and the doctors. It's gonna be a long 5 weeks...

Day One

Day One
I was instructed to call my doctor when my cycle began so we can make our "Phase 2 Appointment" and basically give them the heads up that it's time to start. That appointment is when I will get my IVF schedule and be taught how to do my injections. So I called this morning and am waiting to hear back from them now. I'm scared, I'm sad that I can't be pregnant on my own, and I'm nervous about where we are headed.
Babies are on my brain the past few days. I have just found out another friend is trying, a girl in my support group had her implanting done on Thursday in HER IVF cycle, a girl I cried with in a bathroom in Albuquerque is now pregnant, and last night I attended the visitation of little Nathan. It was amazing to finally talk to Taylor in person and for us to know eachother immediately. I couldn't let go of her when I hugged her. It broke my heart. Little Nathan's blanket and onsie laying next to the few pictures they have of him. The memory book Taylor began after he died Tuesday. The little casket. It's so tragic and it's like all the pain of having children or NOT having children has been piled on this poor family. The pain of infertility to the joy of pregnancy finally, only to have their hopes dashed again. The full weight is hitting them now as they bury their baby today.
All that being said...pray for those of us suffering through these childbearing struggles. It is a difficulty that cannot be explained. And pray for Taylor and Josh. That God holds them tightly in his hands during this time and that somehow, and some point they find the strength to start the process all over again, so they can have the family they dreamed of.

Taylor

A few weeks ago I blogged about my friend taylor who was pregnant with a trisomy 13 baby. Yesterday she gave birth to little Nathan and gave him up to God a few short seconds later. Pray for her and her husband Josh as they reach the end of this long, hard pregnancy, preparing to lose the baby they have suffered so hard to conceive. If you want to read her words, I highly recommend you do. She's an amazing girl.
tstapes.blogspot.com

Short post...

I am about to venture into daily postings, so for those of you who read this EVER, get ready...I plan to journal every day of In Vitro right here in Blog Land....

In the meantime, there are a few updates for you. First of all, this weekend was wonderful. After my emotional start to the week, I needed a pick me up. I spent the night Thursday at my friend Amy's and we went shopping, ate chocolate and stayed up late giggling at Arrested Development and Americas Best Dance Crew (which if you are not watching...you MUST...MTV 9pm on Thursdays!!!) Then Friday she and I went to the "FEACH" aka the fake beach in Granbury. It was FANTASTIC! I can't wait to go back this week!! Friday night my friend Jeremy from ACU came in for the weekend to interview for a job. It was so great to spend some time laughing with my friend. For some reason, he and Jamie and Brent really understand me and make me laugh at myself.

Now the new news...

Got my hair cut and COLORED! First time ever...a girl I grew up with did it and I let her have free reign. It's very rocker chick...so super fun for the summer!

Secondly, you remember all that flagstone we bought? Joe and some buddies dug the holes for the path and the patio on Saturday. We plan to finish everything out this week/weekend. Here's where we are right now...

I'm Scared

It's 12:30 am and I have been crying for the past 45 minutes. Well, off an on for the past 24 hours really. Mostly trying to keep myself busy and occupied while Joe is at work, but as the day to start InVitro nears, I am getting more and more afraid. No. Afraid isn't a stong enough word. Terrified. I'm not scared about taking the meds or giving myself shots. I'm not nervous about being poked and prodded, harvested and implanted. I'm worried about that dreaded day 6 weeks from now. The yes or no day. If it's yes...HOORAY and praise God! But what if it's NO? What if I'm that one person you know who just can't get pregnant. EVER. I'm so afraid that that is my future. Not the sunny, happy family I always thought I'd have. Just years ahead of debt and more debt and more debt. Years of waiting for children who won't come. Years of waiting to ever have money to do anything else we had planned for our lives. Joe is trying to destress me. He's trying to remind me I need to not worry about the future, we're not trapped, our whole life isn't riding on this one moment in time. But that's easier said than done. I feel like this is one of those life defining moments and I'm terrified of what the definition will be. I wish I could let it roll off my back and follow that "if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'LL make it okay" montra. But right now, I'm just not strong enough for that. I'm afraid. And I can't go anywhere but forward, knowing this is the right thing to do, but not that the right outcome will be there in the end.

we're losers...

We didn't win the invitro from the southlake church. :( Oh well. God is providing for us. We are thinking about what we want for our future family/life right now. It may include more schooling, it may include more debt, it may include a move. Who knows? We've got some thinkin' to do!
We have spent the past few days in Lubbock with my family and it has been SO fun! I will post pics and stuff from our trip too. I know many of you were waiting to hear if we were getting our free treatment, so wanted to pass along the news.

Things to be happy about...

Of course I must start with the obvious...SCHOOL ENDS TOMORROW!!!I know, I know. "You're life is so hard....must be rough having summers off." Yeah, you spend 7 hours a day with 5-7 year olds and you will need a 10 week break too! So excited to have the time off!

Now...a few things to be excited over ala Rachel Varney...

1. Sweet Melanie is having a boy!!! Meaning when I get pregnant with a girl (oh, it's gonna happen, folks...), I will be the first girl in the gang. All your boys will want to marry my gorgeous mixed race daughter. ;)

2. We bought a bunch of flagstone at a very VERY low cost so we can add a patio and walkway in our backyard. Lots of work, but such a low cost, who cares!

3. I went to Walmart for a few essentials and mosied through the clothes. (sometimes there are rare gems in there.) Today was one of those jackpot days. They had 2 dresses on clearance (both the last of their kind. both in MY new, smaller size!) and both only $3!!!! How cute are these???

4. And lastly, I have a strange prayer request. There is a church in Southlake that is giving away a free in vitro cycle (all fees paid) in honor of Father's Day. It has been all over the news and papers and they are only taking applications for one week. Joe and I have applied and are praying we are the lucky winners. The church will choose 10 couples based on the applications and then on Father's Day will draw a name at random from a hat. Strange thing is...it is in conjunction with the Fertility Clinic we are going to AND we put off starting until the end of this month when we should have been starting in April. Could God be setting this up for us? Maybe. If you are interested, our application "journey story" is below.

Our Journey
Joe and I met in the fall of 1997 in freshman Bible at ACU. Through 4 years of friendship in college, followed by 3 more in the adult world, we became best friends and trusted confidants for each other. Little did we know that God had a bigger plan for us… to be husband and wife! After a few short months of dating, we were engaged and ready to start our lives together. Joe and I knew when we married we wanted children and were nervous that we would have twins. Joe has a twin brother, and I also have a twin brother. While Joe is one “naturally,” I am a fertility baby. My brother and I were conceived on fertility medication as my parents both had complications with having children. After a year of marriage, I was ready to start our family, so for Valentines Day, Joe gave me a great gift- permission to go off birth control! But after almost a year and no pregnancy, I began to worry that there was something wrong with me. So in January, we began testing. We were shocked and devastated to find out that it was not me, but Joe and that not only could they not find the cause, they could not do anything to better our odds. As we continued to go to appointments and do more and more tests, the news got worse and worse. I found myself angry with God and unable to cope with my sadness and grief. One Sunday in January, our new preacher spoke about his own struggle through multiple miscarriages. I fell apart, as did my husband. I had several weeks of public breakdowns emotionally. Baby dedications, Mother’s Day and baby showers suddenly became torture. Then a dear friend of mine, married only a couple of weeks, became pregnant while on birth control. It was almost too much to bear. It seems like everyone we know is having babies and we are being left behind. Luckily, God has blessed me in many ways over the months. My best friend is also going through infertility and she has been an incredible comfort to me, as well as joining a local support group of women facing this struggle. God continues to shower us with people to support us and has helped us find money along the way as we go through so many doctor visits. So now we sit on the edge of major debt (I am a teacher and my husband is in management at a financial company in Dallas), still wondering if God will bless us in this way or not. My spiritual journey has intensified over the weeks and I feel like our marriage is stronger because of what we have been through so far. Joe and I are a bi-racial couple so we have often joked about adopting kids of other nationalities so none of us look like we belong together. In reality now, we face possibly not being biological parents, but adoptive instead. While that is not what we want, and not what we had planned, God may have a little one waiting to be loved by us that we haven’t met yet. We will accept whatever the Lord’s answer is, but we are so anxious to find out if it’s yes or no. If it’s pregnancy or adoption. We’re ready to be on the other side of the struggle, saying God DID bless us, and it was worth the wait.